Last night, I was stressed. I feel like it’s just all my emotions beginning to leak out. I had a pretty bad headache too. I just kept slamming my palm into my forehead, hoping it would just stop. It gave me a moment of relief and then it just continued to hurt. I don’t like consuming medicine because it weakens your body’s natural fighting. It might sound like a stupid reason, but it’s not in the long run, it’s not. It’s like I’m stuck here, for 3 more years. It sucks. I still hate myself. my left arm still hasn’t healed and you can see the meat under it. There is no scab and I have to go back to work today. Most of my co-workers are probably going to ask what happened. I’m most likely just gonna lie to them and say that I fell. I can’t ever trust anyone. I’m glad that I can put this out here and it helps me with everything that I feel. I miss my boyfriend and his hugs and affection, it really helped me with my depression and tension. Just a stupid overflow of emotion that began leaking out and made me stressed. I figured out that I have 2 chronic illnesses. Depression and Bipolar II Disorder. I just wanna kill myself because of everything. I probably won’t, but if the pushing keeps happening… I know where a gun is and the same with rope. I know how to if I wanted to. It’s all just a lot to deal with. I want to live in my dreams, that’d be nice. To just live in a place where nothing matters. I could lay down on a plain of grass with a slight breeze on a warm day. Slightly cloudy and sunny. Warm and comfortable. Life sucks, but there are good things. I know that life can’t all be unicorns and rainbows, but it would be nice if it was. Just to lie down with no care in the world. To have the same ignorant bliss that I had when I was a kid. To live in my own world. The Sandman, coming to take me away forever. A world of dreams. That’s all this one is too, really. A world filled with dreams and nightmares. The bad often outweighing the good. It would be nice if it would all just go away. If I did die, I would imagine that it’s like before I was born. There was nothing. You were nothing. I was nothing. You don’t remember anything but black and darkness from before you were born. If I were to die, then no more. I wouldn’t remember my life and the pain. No more grief, anger, or sadness. No more feelings at all. Which is why I’m still here. If there would be no feelings at all, then there would be no more happiness. No more of those tiny things that make life bearable. It’s just stupid how the world is and how society is. Also, the whole “gay” thing. Where people who aren’t say that they are. I HATE IT. It’s a sensitive subject for me. I am and my parents dislike me for that. I hate myself because of who I like. But it feels good. To like someone and have them like me back. I bet it’s a stereotypical thing, “the troubled gay person”. IT’S DUMB. I hate when people just classify me as some dramatic stereotype. I have a whole lot more going on in my life than that. I hate talking about the way that I am, unless I’m just able to let all that I think about it out. I hate how my parents treat me differently because of that. They always call me sexist and biased for being sexually attracted to guys. They say that it’s my ego, being that I’m a guy without a stable mother in my early life. Every time that they see a gay character in a movie or show, they make fun of them and sneer at me. I HATE IT. It might be immature to curse like a river flows, but every time I hear them do that, that’s all I want to do. Just scream and yell in their face. I have often thought of screaming my heart out at a place where there isn’t a person for a mile or two. 12/02/2022 – I think my boyfriend is mad at me now too. He deleted everything he said. I met him in person and we were together for 2 months. Then October 28th happened. Now today at 10:58 A.M. he stopped talking to me. I think this might be the end of me and him. It’s really scaring me. I hate it. This sucks. I guess that this is all for today. Life continues to be a *****.
Edit: 1:11 P.M. My boyfriend continues to be with me and I had a moment of relief after a moment of grief. It really scared me though. I’m gonna be fine. I think.