I had one relationship in my life. I did not like it. It lasted for about 1 year 2 months. It felt, boring? I don’t understand the point of a relationship. I get it cognitively, but emotionally is strange. Someone either hasn’t been through enough for me to connect with them, or whenever they have, the relationship usually is pretty bad, we both struggle with boundaries, or another one of the many potential issues. Maybe two mentally unstable people shouldn’t be together. But I mean like come on, it works so well for like one week.
Relationships for most people serve 2 main purposes in my eyes:
- Fulfill sexual desires
- Life partner (like a best friend, but added responsibility to each other)
In terms of #2 (im bored of writing about relationships). All you need to know is that is that the line in between someone being too mentally ill to date and being so normal and unaware of mental illness that hearing them speak removes all serotonin from my brain, is impossible to find. It’s either one or the other, and for the short time the first one lasts, it can be fun. But I’m not sure if those fun moments make up for the traumatic (or just bad, not always traumatic) end it always has. The second one is just “kind of okay even though I hate it” for a longer time, I’d feel bad for the other person too, wasting their time.
I guess I shouldn’t have one then? It’s just that, it’s so easy, its right Infront of me.
My friend who is now dead had a pet turtle. Turtles live for a long time. They probably see a lot. See a lot passing by, as they remain the same. I was gonna write that I’m jealous of turtles because they can see a lot and experience it in the moment but don’t have to be burdened by having the memory reside in their head for the rest of their life, but after some research, apparently there is a lot of debate around the how long memories can be stored in a turtles long term memory. This one page said it’s at least 7.5 months for key information. I know there are lot of different kinds of turtles/tortoises but I do not care enough to go that far. My brain called my stupid for making up the excuse that I “don’t care” and it told me I was just lazy. So, apparently there are 13 families in the order category (i did not think there was more than 3), and over 356 species of turtle. Oh and also tortoises are just a species of turtle. Does everyone know that? I don’t know why I thought the sub categories broke down from either turtle or tortoise. I wonder if the turtle remembers him.
(if i ask this girl out im going to be very mad at myself. stupid brain, stupid urges. mistake mistake mistake.)
I also hate that I can’t hang out with people and have fun without substances. i like to be alone a lot.
- “sorry for being quiet today, i had a pretty bad day”
- “Its ok!”
- oh
^(1)
I started going to university in the big city this year. I use the underground subway (i’m editing this, and apparently all subways are underground) to get to my lecture room. There are these little, oval-circle shaped handles that hang from the ceiling. Whenever I ride it all I see are nooses hanging from the ceiling. I flash between the normal subway setting that my eyes are sensing and the scene of all the people in the subway hanging from the handles that my brain is perceiving.
People are very special (1). When people see me stare off into space for 10 minutes straight and say nothing and go about themselves when I hang out with them, I know it’s not entirely because they don’t care. I just am not strong enough to break it down. Give me the strength and ill do it (excuse). But, i just want someone to let me, to notice me. Cats try to hide their illness as well as possible, for as long as possible. maybe I need to stop being a cat. I know not all cats do that. Maybe I just need someone who knows how to take care of a cat. I take care of myself.
While I was driving, I saw that a street lamp had fallen down onto the sidewalk. It was pretty tall. I always used to imagine people hanging from those streetlamps as I drove down that street. What does it mean that one of them had fallen? Does that mean that someone remembered that person for the very last time?
My heart is physically hurting too much and it’s making it really hard to focus on writing. I need to write shorter things anyways.
Love.
*warm smile*
other human things.
1 comment
The whole relationship thing caught my eye. I believe relationships can also bring a connection with one another. A feeling of being wanted and being able to share ur life with that person. It’s more than just the sex and having a partner. There’s things like non sexual affection, not being lonely, someone to talk to, and other things. I feel relationships like that can be beneficial for those who are looking to form a connection with. You might not be an emotional person. There are others like that. They don’t dwell on their feelings or even talk about their feelings. You might fit in with that. For me, relationships benefit me with the affection and connection that is formed. To feel wanted and having someone in your life can benefit someone quite well. Everyone is different though.