Why God is unfair? is there actually such thing as an ‘evil god’? (I’m a Christian from Indonesia, or at least used to be a Christian. Now it’s hard to believe in Christianity anymore)
I’m from Indonesia. I’ve used to be a Christian too, but now maybe I’m already more of an atheist (or minimal at least an agnostic). But it’s even much worse than that. I’m now also a nihilist, and even become a pessimist (look up on Philosophical Pessimism, and IMHO its related ‘sub-philosophies’ similarly such as: Antinatalism, Efilism, Depressive Realism, Promortalism). And paradoxically perhaps, what now I’m even afraid the most is what if Gnosticism (or the Gnostics) are right, in that in this universe, what reigns is an ‘evil god’, instead of the ‘good god’? These thoughts now always lingers on my mind.
Personally speaking, sadly, my life now seems to be crumbling down & spiraling downward without any sign of hope. I really wish things could get better, but in reality, somehow it seems that it just got worse. There are a lot of problems now, but basically there are two major problems now that’s causing so much stress, confusion, and perhaps even anxiety & depression to my family: 1) my brother’s chronic pain (tailbone/coccyx/coccydynia) and 2) financial/economic reasons, basically our income (households) keep decreasing, while expenses still going on everyday. It’s driving everyone in this family so stressful.
I’ve actually tried (& still until now) to pray, but unfortunately/sadly, I don’t know why God (if it’s truly exist/real) doesn’t seem to answer my prayers. I don’t know what I’ve done/did wrong, and I don’t even know what to do. What frustrates me the most is when I see all these (a LOT of) people keep praising “thanks GOD!” everywhere (whether in real life or in social medias) saying that “God answered my prayers!”. But why the same “God” doesn’t seem to answer all my sincere prayers?? Especially for my brother’s chronic pain, there are even MANY people in my church have also prayed for him (& my mom who have prayed very earnestly, and she’s also still quite active in service of God at our church, and even I’m also still quite active playing music for Sunday services at church), but in reality, after 5 years, my brother’s chronic pain just got worse. It’s frustrating, stressful, gives us anxiety & panic, and to be honest, very depressing for all of us in the family.
To be very honest, it really pisses me off, and I really hate when people (everywhere!) keep ‘lecturing’ and/or ‘judging’ us, or basically quickly open their mouth to say BS/nonsense & unempathetic things like for example: “You should pray harder!” or “You should believe more!”, or the worst of all perhaps: “You should be more positive!”. It is as if we haven’t tried all those things yet! What do they know?? Yet, people are so ignorant, naive, simple-minded, & lacking empathy, when they said things like that.
I hate how (or why) “God” seems to answer some people’s prayers, but not listen/answer to some other people’s prayers. And then there is also the problem of the ‘importance/priority/urgency’ of the prayers type. God somehow seems to answer some trivial, petty insignificant little small prayers, also usually from petty people with petty, selfish reasons (eg: to buy brand new luxurious car, or handphone/smartphone, gadget, etc etc etc), but this same “God” (supposedly) somehow doesn’t answer the very urgent/important prayers from some people in dire needs (& miracles), for example, again: people with chronic pain/illness or terminal illness (eg: cancers). Why? I don’t know. It’s just so unfair. Ridiculously unfair.
2 comments
You nailed it Niki…it was my prayers also not being answered that around the age of 13 that caused my belief in God/religion to quickly unravel.
Religions make a lot of stupid promises that it never has to live up to. Dumb sayings like “you can move mountains with faith” or “if two of you believe on Earth, any prayer can be answered.”
I’ve always been logical and scientifically minded. Like you I prayed for others and they were never answered. The other plank in my belief fell apart when I was told that Jesus talks to us, but I realized it was only my own voice in my head, which was also good news, knowing that I wasn’t delusional or mentally ill.
Then I began to critically examine the rest of the claims Theists made and the house of cards that religion is, quickly came crashing down for me. I also knew I had terrible ideas brainwashed into me by religion like pacifism, so I knew I had to get myself de-brainwashed and the library became my second home. I dove into a lot of Atheist and science-based literature and it was like discovering a new world I was unaware of.
Anyways that changed me forever and I’m so glad I escaped religion. Ofc that doesn’t make your life suddenly perfect, but it means you’re no longer seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, but as it really is. Since then I’ve lived my life with objectivity.
Certainly you’ll face feelings of depression and nihilism, but you can find meaning and purpose without religion…which you will in due time.
Sorry about your brother’s pain, perhaps he needs to see doctors in western countries, but ofc it could be costly to fly here. If you are struggling financially and if you are in a position to work (but are not), that could be the solution. Or you could look into your country’s social programs for assistance.
As for feelings of suicide over life, I can relate. Once I realized there is no god and I am not “special” and he doesn’t have a purpose for me, then I knew all the problems in my life, the things I hate about myself come from my parents. It made me angry that they had kids, but over time I realized they too were thrown into the world as I was, by their parents.
Also I’m glad I was around to help my family members who could’ve ended up on the streets without my help. Though that did little to alleviate my own hatred of my life. Still I had some great opportunities with income and with women, but unfortunately I didn’t take full advantage when I could’ve.
So here I am now at 50, I’ve given myself 10 years to see if I can try to live the life I always wanted, but if by the end of it I don’t think I will probably seek to end it. Unless they find a way to reverse aging, ofc I’ll keep getting older and more worthless, my health will decline, so I have nothing to look forward to in old age.
Don’t mean to sound grim, but that’s just reality. Now that you’re also living in reality at least you don’t have religion putting blinders on you and you can see things clearly and deal with life as it is….rather than the lies/fantasy religion has given us.
Birth defects. No religion that proposes a benevolent, omniscient, omnipotent deity has a sensible explanation for birth defects.
That’s just 1 of infinite problems, but it’s the most black-and-white. What benevolent god would curse a creature before it was even born?
So, like you, I started exploring all the logical alternatives. While I haven’t gone as far as believing in a malevolent deity (a logical possibility), I definitely think a god, if there is one, is either powerless to fix, apathetic toward, or unaware of the evils of the universe. On good days, I tell myself that there is a benevolent being out there somewhere but it is overwhelmed fixing bigger problems, and maybe it’ll get around to us sooner or later. On bad days I tell myself something more realistic: “god” has no real consciousness and is merely non-sentient force, like a star or a black hole, that’s just doing its thing. And we have to exist within its sphere of influence.
On horrible days, I tell myself that god, and the only benevolent, merciful force in the universe, is death.