Jan 3rd. Wake up feeling worse than hungover, heavy, painful, unable to think as always. I wish anything made it better. Fail, eat, fail to feed myself effectively, hate. hate hate is too light a word.
I hate myself
I am so worthless. I am so sloth i am nothing without any company. I fail. I try. I fail. I complete nothing.
My life is one big bad dream. It’s full of wonder, but so too is it dripping with crushing despair.
Every opportunity I have to love myself is stolen like some cruel joke and I fuck everything up every time.
Only luck. Celebrate luck. Feed off of tumultuous change, pandemonium, rejoice.
my only feelings are worthless, base. those most precious things. My life is without meaning other than to brighten everything I wish Was better without me.
Selfless Cathar-
I am pious to suffering, bent to it’s whim, living against it’s bonds all the same.
Beyond desperate, Become fearless and hopeless. Become lost- Ravenous. I can do naught else. Worthless. ?end me. I wish for cancer, i wish for agony, death, release, I find no relief. Release me from this accursed existence, I have done all and more of my best to repair everything. I imagine, daydreaming of my ####### in their jars every day, longing to ##################### ################################# #################, releasing myself from consciousness forever. Sleep and gluttonous pleasure already my only refuge for years, and even rarely then truly so. Fuck this. I have forgone all I can. I am so aggressively passive it’s been on the bleeding edge of active ideation for months now. Hit me with a car, permanently disfigure me, I care not, only for the kiss of, nay- the caressing coolness of death to quell this burning agony that eats me.
And so too am i so afraid of pain, my new obsession- Unhealthy, Mortally and mentally unfoundering, chillingly alluring. Continue to draw with a sharpie instead, ignore the urges to ################## ###################.
I’m taking another nap now. I hate myself.