I’m scared and hurt. I’m tired, too.
More than that, I’m a coward. And I’m weak. I don’t have the right to feel scared, tired, and hurt. I am the cause of my own problems— all of this is in my head. I KNOW it’s in my head.
And on a rational level, I know, I KNOW that at least a part of this isn’t my fault. I’m not well. There is something WRONG with me, wrong with my BRAIN— but how much is actual physical illness in my mind, and how much is me using that as an excuse to be lazy? To not get better?
I suspect that I don’t want to get better, not really. Because what would I use to hide behind then? When it’s just me and my problems, and no excuses not to deal with them head on? I feel myself become anxious when I think about it. I can feel the sudden adrenaline, and I’m ashamed of it.
What kind of a person am I, that I should be so scared to just deal with my responsibilities? They aren’t even difficult to do. People everywhere do them all the time without thinking twice.
And here I am, shivering for no god-damn reason. I don’t even have the excuse of a panic or anxiety disorder. I’m just a coward who’s trained themselves to avoid anything even slightly difficult— I am both Pavlov and the dog. I trained myself to be scared, in order to perpetuate my own laziness.
I’ve done this to myself, and the thought of undoing it terrifies me all the more.
2 comments
You’re not alone, I’ve started to feel the burnout I’ve been lying my way through for 2 years now. It’s all rushing back to me, the only thing I fear is hurting those around me. The only coping mechanism I’ve found is to focus on the moment and have fun. Not recognizing the wasted potential also helps but I’m conscious of it.
I’m semi stable, but resisting getting better anyway. The problem for me is my trust is just…. gone. I got better before, under the promise of profitable and stable work…. and that was a lie.
So I require more motivation than empty promises. I need someone to keep their word, and that’s a high requirement in today’s world, I’m probably not going to get it.
I don’t feel guilty about it. Getting “better” in my case was becoming a better victim, someone easier to take advantage of. Yes, I’m mooching off of others, as the common parlance goes. Not by my choice is the point. I wanted to work, I wanted to be financially stable. I just don’t have it in me to keep going when my mind says “no.”
and apparently the economy doesn’t have it in it to pay people for their work. That’s a flaw in it, not me. I’ve worked for twenty years to fix myself only to come to the conclusion; Yes, there was growth I needed to do, but the world around me should have grown also, instead I look out at an economy no better than when I left high school.