thoughts on paper

The main reason why I write here anymore is because I just want to put my thoughts down. Maybe it is disrespectful to the other people here who have problems greater than mine. I look back on it and realized I had a real nice life. A lot of it I felt suicidal, but thinking about it now I can’t find the reasons why. I know other people on here have legit reasons for their desire to die. Legit suffering. Maybe looking back on it I never had that. It was always good and I was too stupid to really enjoy it. Even now all that anxiety and fear that I feel will feel like nothing years down the line. Maybe months down the line. I’m still wrestling with weather or not I should quit grad school. I said that I was probably going to do it, but now I’m not sure. I’m scared. I really am because I don’t know what the right answer is. I just hope whatever I choose, I’ll look back at this point in time and feel different about it. Like it was all ok. I know there will be times where I’m suicidal again. And those points will feel real and full of suffering. At the time they will be. And in the future regardless of weather or I go through with it or not, I know I’ll feel differently about them. I do still think that I’m worthless and won’t amount to anything. That part hasn’t changed. But I was happy being worthless back then. I had a great childhood. I know not many can say that. I just hope whatever happens I find peace.