Depression has ruined everything. when something is peaceful its only for a few moments. Then everything goes to shit again. I get annoyed and start pushing people away. I don’t realize I’ve been pushing everyone away until Im really low. Its the same cycle over and over and over. one big endless cycle.
I had an urge to end it all the other day. I don’t know why I Didn’t.
Im so lonely and I just want a relationship where somebody cares about me. Someone who shares my interests and who will make me smile and laugh. But how can somebody love me when I don’t love myself.
I will never be good enough for anyone.
I HATE MYSELF. I HATE THAT I CANT BE CONSISTENT. I HATE THAT IM SO UNSTABLE. I HATE THAT IM SO YOUNG AND HAVE ALL THESE PROBLEMS ALREADY. I HATE THAT I HATE MYSELF.
these are my the thoughts I have all the time. “I am destroying myself subconsciously” as I stated in a previous post. I have nobody who will ever understand my mind. Nobody knows even half the things that go through my head. They act like the understand my mind but they don’t. Shit I barely even understand my mind.
6 comments
Exactly, depression snowballs… it scares people away while at the same time it makes us push ppl away. Any way you look at it, depression = loneliness. Loneliness = depression.
I think the only cure is if someone (who’s not depressed) offers us unconditional support. Like dragging a drowning person out of the water even if they’re kicking and fighting back. Someone has to pull us out of our own self destruction. But where are you gonna find that?
“But where are you gonna find that?” I don’t fucking know. Who the hell is going to care that much and put that much effort into pulling me out of my own self destruction. Especially when they can have somebody way better than me.
I’ve never met one but I’ve heard of people who have a savior complex. They seek out broken people because they want to fix them. I think it may be a form of control idk. But honestly I would take it.
But the thing is that form of control for them that savior complex, will that only lead to more abuse? If not that’s great. It would be nice if someone pulled me out of this hell hole and love me unconditionally. I would like to meet someone like that.
Probably yeah it would lead to more abuse. Were you a victim of abuse in the past? If you were I’m really sorry.
edit: I just saw your last post where you said you were abused. That really sucks and it might explain why you push people away & also why you hate yourself. Isn’t that fucked up? The abuser hurts you, and it makes you hurt yourself even worse.
yeah its quite fucked up.