Lately I have been thinking about “The Butterfly Effect”, If I made the slightest difference in choice a while back would I be somewhere completely different than I am now? If I chose not to do something as simple as pick up a penny one day would everything around me be different? If I didn’t make a tiny choice at some point in my younger years would I live in the same state? Would I be making straight A’s instead of failing? With a small choice I made, did that cause this sequence of events in my life. Because of a few minor things that may have […]
I’ve decided on an end date for myself. August 31st. This is the date of the next Blue Moon. Of course the stargazing conditions have to be perfect. Im not sure why I chose this. Maybe its because I want to go out on a beautiful night. I know this time I can’t back out. I won’t. I’m so tired. I love my mom and sister and the one friend I have but I can’t do this anymore. Perhaps I may find a reason to stay by the time the Blue Moon comes around but I highly doubt it. I am trying to keep my […]
If I were near an ocean I would let the tide take me.
Feeling the current pull me under.
The brief suffocating feeling .
The pressure of the water,
Filling my lungs.
No More fighting.
No more struggle.
No more air.
I could use a little weed or maybe some alcohol. its been a lot lately I been taking 2 Benadryl each day two sleep all day at school since im gonna fail anyways. I need a break. It would be nice if I could just pause time for a little while. I keep thinking I am going to try harder and I do for a little while but I just keep going back down. Can’t seem to ever catch up. All I ever do is sleep and work. Some times if I feel like it i’ll play my piano. I don’t play video games like […]
I took like 70 pills over the span of 2 nights. (20 one night and 50 the next). I did extensive research on what does not react well with eachother and how much can kill you. I took like more than that 7 of of each kind. I took Xanax, Oxycodone, 10 of Adderall, Prozac, Lexapro, Percocet, and some others I can’t quit remember the name of them though. So why did some 13 year old get to OD on Benadryl and I was only in the ICU for three days. Im only a few years older than him. He didn’t even […]
so I got caught. My principal got an anonymous tip that I had a vape. I FUCKING HATE 411. This is bullshit. I now have iss for 3 FUCKING DAYS. Im so miserable all the fucking time. If I wanna slowly kill my lungs FUCKING LET ME. if they let everybody who wanted to die, die it would be so much easier. ugggaahhhhhhhhhh.
I have these wounds that can be sealed,
leaving these marks that keep.
But the wounds can never be healed,
They were way too deep.
The confidence I lack,
The damage that has been done,
Trying to fight against the attack,
when I am less than one,
I can’t breath at all.
The version of myself I want but can’t be,
Because I put up a wall,
Helping the self destruct that is me.
Im not in control of my own head anymore. I haven’t been in a while. Depression has taken over. I’ve been making friends with it.
I had a great shift at work yesterday then I got home and once I got in my room I just started crying. I HATE CRYING. I never wanna cry again.
I have these small little moments of excitement but its a fleeting feeling. It never lasts for very long
I got screamed at that I didn’t get my mom a coffee when I place an online order, even though I only had enough money in to get my own. She screamed at […]
I hate that i’m always lonely. I hate that I push people away. I hate that I feel like I could snap at any moment. I hate that I have MDD, DMDD, GAD, and ADD. I hate that I hate myself.
ughhh why? why am I here. I don’t understand. Ive got a bottle of rum so I think im just gonna drink to my hearts content until I pass out.
I want to be with someone who makes me feel good. Somebody who is funny and will make me smile. Someone who will be there when i’m down. Someone I can do all those same things for in return. I know i’m not good enough though I am going to be lonely forever.
Thank you for causing me problems.
Thank you for the trauma.
Thanks for hurting me.
Thank you for never being there.
Thanks for making me feel worthless.
Don’t worry it’s not just you.
These kids at school have caused me trauma too.
I have been abused my teachers, kids, and myself.
But maybe if you were there I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
Thank you for being the first to cause me trauma.
Depression has ruined everything. when something is peaceful its only for a few moments. Then everything goes to shit again. I get annoyed and start pushing people away. I don’t realize I’ve been pushing everyone away until Im really low. Its the same cycle over and over and over. one big endless cycle.
I had an urge to end it all the other day. I don’t know why I Didn’t.
Im so lonely and I just want a relationship where somebody cares about me. Someone who shares my interests and who will make me smile and laugh. But how can somebody love me when I don’t love […]
all theses thoughts inside my head. all this pain. all these things make me wish I were dead. my brain is destroying myself from the inside out. any stability I had left is withering away. at the moment there is no peace, no happy, no joy. all the things that drive me crazy.
Id say I can be pretty happy from time to time not for very long but I have my moments. I just want to stay happy but that can never happen. Depression comes in waves. It goes up and down and up and down. But i’m always down for a long time and when i’m up its not for very long. My mom and I were up all night rearranging my room and yes it was exhausting but in the end I was happy to finally have my room clean. That didn’t last very long. After I got out of the shower it just hit […]
I have been staring at the ceiling for hours. Why am I here? How much longer must I endure the misery. Does it ever stop? No. Does it ever slow down? No. It never stops. EVER.
Im never gonna escape the self destruct area because it IS ME. I feel I am slowly and subconsciously destroying my relationship with my mom. I never wanna talk anymore. Talking to people annoys me. Im failing all my classes and my mom just wants to withdraw me from school till next year. I hate high school. Its like there’s instructions in my brain to self destruct my life and I can’t stop it. Im falling towards rock bottom and and occasionally land on ledges that break my fall But its only for a moment Then the ledge crumbles out from under me.
I was on my laptop and my algebra teacher told everyone to close their computers. I did not. he called my name and said CLOSE YOUR COMPUTER. He said aloud so the whole class could hear “this is your third warning and see class I should not have to give you 3 warnings.” uuggghh no actually you stupid fuck it was my first warning. You teach algebra for fucks sake, you should know how much 3 is. (Obviously I didn’t say that.) So I open up my computer just to finish the quiz I was working on from another class real quick. He yells at […]
I have so many missing assignments. I think im just gonna pay someone to get it done for me. I am so stressed. I have a job interview at a job where my sister works. I know I basically already have the job but I still have to do this interview. I don’t know why but I’m really nervous.
Before I rant I’m just gonna give a brief backstory because why the fuck not :). [So long story short me and my sister suffered a lot of mental and some physical abuse from my Dad and when I was 12 a restraining order between us and him was put in place, which he didn’t try to even fight because he doesn’t care (I haven’t seen him since)].
Anyways So my aunt died a couple weeks ago. (Aunt = Dads brothers wife) I didn’t have a close relationship with her mainly because I don’t remember her before she had a stroke and brain aneurysm and lost […]
oohhh my god. every morning is craziness. I’ts always “Why can’t you get ready faster” “Why do you sleep in so late” “I’m only trying to help you” “I’m disappointed in you”. I am bombarded by all this shit when I get up and I say “can we please have a peaceful morning just once?” and she says “Oh I know let me walk on eggshells because god forbid anyone hurts you’re one feeling”. I’ts got nothing to do with hurting my feelings, I’ts the fact that I am always doing something wrong. I know I should realize that it’s always going to be that […]
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