Not Ready Yet…

It’s not that I don’t wanna or that I’m scared. It’s not that I can’t. I just have finish to attend to first.

I was born far away from here, and all my life I have known nothing but pain. I was different from other kids, I know now as a grown up Im somewhere in the spectrum.
My mother was a Junkie, my father was a drunk.
His best friend raped me, she ran away with him.
You think coming to America from a third world country would mean my life improved, but tbh, at least as a kid I had family I felt good and safe with. In the states, my step family wasn’t as niced as they originally seemed. They where racist and brutal, very cruel.
The definition of human trafficking victims are .e and my siblings.
Smuggled, abused and tortured.
Sure we had schooling in some of the best zip codes, but behind the scenes we where child labor, victims of child abuse.
It’s so hard for people here to believe it untill recently, but human trafficking sometimes looks like happy families in suburbia America, not like sweatshops in the getto.
Eventually it ended with them, but my father was an abusive drunk.
To make things far more complicated, I was crossdressing in secret since I young age.
I never fit in. Never wanted to do what boys wanted. But anytime I showed even one sign of being different I’d be called a sissy, a forgot, or just plain out beat.
I started a ting out, and knew from a young age I wanted the pain to stop by any means.
Only thing that kept me toghter was my brother, the closes friend I had.
He was the only one who knew who I really was.
He often protected me from others at home and school, lied and took beatings to protect me because he knew I couldn’t cope.
When I was still a teenager we lost him.
My father became worse, and everyone pushed away from me when I was in a dark spot.
One brother did well, but I want nothing to do with him.
His fancy college degrees and his job working for a u.s. senator will never change the fact I know he is obsessed with torturing small animals and is a pedophile.
The other is my half sibling, who though kind hearted I fear might have too much of her blood line in her , because even taking to me is to be keep top secret. I’m a shame apparently.

Look, I’m not perfect I’ll be first to acknowledge.
I was a gangbanger for years.
I did bad things. Things that still haunt me. I was young kid looking for a family, some where to fit in with someone to love me.
I struggled with me tal health issues and drug abuse much longer than anyone really knows.

But why the fuck not? It was the only thing numbing my pain.
Only by being obliterated was I able to survive what has happened.
I texted to move on, a child hood friend came back a single mom, I tried to help her.
I knocked her up week I was supposed to leave her.
I didn’t get to break it off because I got sick and ended up in hospital.
By time.i got out she.was already pregnant.
We had abortions before.
It took a toll on her.
I cared for her and her daughter.
I put her daughter to sleep, and promised her I’d be the dad her and her brother, my son, needed.
I wasn’t perfect. I was sober, but struggled with my mental health. I was young overworked and depressed
I never hurt anyone, no seriously. I simply tried to scare her and those around a few times out of stress and pain I was carrying.
Before you knew it my life was upside down, with my.oids being pulled from me.
It took me.year but I beat it.

The whole world fought to separate my family.
I fought back again everyone.
Her family and mine. Cps, the cops, the courts, absolutely everyone wanted to see my.kids and us suffer.
But I was able to pull myself toghter, and be stronger than all of them.
I won, despite the odds I won and keeped my family toghter.
It wasn’t long before her abusive mother now came at her and the kids because of her own issues.
But again, I was able to outsmart anyone who endangered my kids.
With time running out, in bad health, but desperately.neesing money to get us all away, I took a job for some old friend, who turned out wasn’t a friend at all.
Jail had a made him a religious extremists.
Who treated me brutally.
I had never done construction before , and jumped in by doing manual work that was supposed to be done with machines. Because he often just wanted a “Mexican” to be the boss of.
He thought of himself better because being from Ukraine he was white. And Christian.
I endured the abuse even though physically I almost couldn’t handle, yet , I needed the opportunity to climb the ranks make better money for my family.
I endured mo this of brutality, getting stuff grown at me, being put in dangerous situations and being defeated because I wanted a better life for my kids.

We found a house and moved, I was told they didn’t want that many people and with my record it was better I don’t appear on paper.
They insisted my father, couple years sober at this point, come along.
He was good with tm.kids and they loved him, I didn’t argue it.

Soon after I was ignored and mistreated by everyone.
Told it was in my head.
I fell into a really deep depression. Again, I keeped pushing for my kids.

Then shit hit the fan, I was getting told on the daily to leave, they would make lies about me, I refused.
I refused to be separated from my kids again no matter the price.

Eventually the final straw is my little girl asking me why we fight so much.
I did not want them to see the things I saw growing up
For their sake , I left
Yet, as much as I wanted it to end,
I could leave them alone, my kids, who didn’t ask for any of this.
It easier for the one leaving, our pain is tremendous.
But to them? I seen what it does before.
I didn’t want my kids suffering.like that.


Something felt odd. Something was just wrong with the scene.
I was being lied to but it’s didn’t add up.
What could they be bidding?
At first, nothing me and the few trusted I recruited dug up made sense. My dad I guess but he wouldnt I though. I couldn’t even believe it

Even after breaking in a d finding a wedding dress in the closet.
And had her hacked and saw messages about her getting married, only 2 .oths after I left home.
And my father aggressively defending her.

I was homeless sleeping.out of my car, while being force dot give her money still for the kids.
Soon as I got myself off the streets, and I finally started to do well again, I was diagnosed with cancer.

In a way, I was relieved. I thought well thats that.
But end the end I proceeded with treatments I was given assistance for from charities and payed the rest as I could with my savings, which again, left me homeless.

But again I refuse to let my kids see me so low

I again sided with the Ukrainian asswipe and build a business. His experience and my brains, we where pretty good.
I meet someone, a girl that made me feel for the first time.in.my.life I wasn’t gonna be ok.
I took her for her every word, that pretty little liar.
I ignored all those red flags.

Again, at this point they weirdness with my father came.up when they moved to a tiny illigal studio toghter. At this point I sort of knew.
I had plenty to go on but part of me didn’t want to face this.
I fell again into a deep depression, and the money ran dry. So this girl, she left. But not before robbing me.and having ME arrested for harassment for wanting my.money back. Her family being cops, no one listened to me.

At this point I hit my.lowest point..I wanted to die, desperately.
The pain inside my.cgest burned like molten metal had been forced through a seringe to the core of my soul.
I was homeless and more alone than ever.
I got sued for custody, and to not loose I fought and pronged that fight the cost however was high.
I again was keeped away from my kids.
My father, who at this point knew had betrayed me had court appointed supervisor.
No one would listen to me.
Again, not one to give in, I keeped fighting.
I was Ina situation where.i had found save refuge with friend of friends. Not nice environment but I wasn’t freezing anymore.
But the owners, the father , he was a very disturbed man.
I had started coming out was tired of being closeted.
I am bisexual, but everytime I’m with a girl I have more of urge to have her side of the relationship than mine. I was miserable
Knowing all these he forced me to be with him by manipulation.
Basically keep him happy HOWEVER he want he was nice, not, I risked the cold again.
Knowing all I had to do is degrate myself, I took that so all the money I had again started meaning.could go to mount a fight for my kids.
Eventually, I hired a good attorney, and proved she was with my father.
I left the toxic environment I was into try to help my best friend by getting us both to where we need to be for our kids. She was 3 years sober.
Not long after, she relapsed and things got bad, I had to cut her off too. She gave up her kid, having gone through hell and back I couldn’t forgive that.
Time passed, I mostly won.
Judge said she had residential rights. It ultimately custody want take from me.
She didn’t know it but I had killed myself working 3 jobs and even so got 50k in debt for lawyers, P.I.w, and hackers.
When I offered a tuce and she accepted I knew she was 6 months pregnant by my father and if I did this sh would take it, or my lawyer would destroy her in court.
Why didn’t I go for the finishing move?
My daughter.
She isn’t biologically mine.
I hadn’t seen her in a year at this point.
I made a deal to include her in the package off the books.
Many have told be it’s sda but do what you gotta do for your son.
I disagree.
What is family?
Because my relatives haven’t been the greatest.
There’s friends I have I much more consider my family.she may not be biologically mine, I raised her.
She was here first and it her I held when I promised I’d fight the world over to give them a good life
It’s her I held and promises I’d never abandoned her like my mother did to me.

I haven’t came out completely, but people that are around know some part of it. Sometimes it’s just they are good wpowple but I’m trying to slowly adapt them to this.I cut off all the scum, except family, because I can’t since they are in my kids life’s
And it’s only for my kids sake
They only reason they live is for my kids sake

When they had a kid, my kids told me they wasn’t supposed to tell me because “id hurts the baby”
They shouldn’t have had a kid, but, I know who I am, I would never harm a child. Unlike my successful family, I have a have morals.
My father was lawyer, my brother is a phycologist and work for a senator,my sister is a teacher.
Yet, they are scum.
An abusive asswipe, a pedophile, and another cruel self loader respectively

I haven’t always been the best. I have lots of regrets but I know I have been loyal and kind as anyone could have been.
Like I said I have morals

Everyone hears and they tell me how they’d kill them or themselves. Truth be told I’d set both those traitors on fire alive if I could.
What’s gonna stop me? A court order? Calling the cops?
The cops have slow response times and protocols for armed barricade suspects which I know too well.
They could never react quick enough to stop me.
Also I have nothing left to loose try me
A piece of paper or you phone ain’t scaring me if I intend to leave in a body bag.

Still as much as I’d like to settle the score for what everyone has taken for me, the day I loose the morals holding me back, is the day all my actions will be used to make my kids think of me as a monster.

My kids. The only ones in this world I still love
The only ones I still carry on for, because at this point I don’t wanna live, haven’t for a long time.

But they are still little.
I fear what will happens to them.
Once they aren’t so little and adorable how will they be treated?
How are they gonna cope?
Im the only one that knows they are surrounded by animals.
I am the only ones this animals fear, because they know the day I finally snap, I’m gonna take as many of them to hell with me as I can
I have unfinished business:
To assure the survival and growth of my kids
The day I am sure they are old enough and will be ok with me gone, when I know they are independent and strong enough to make it,
I’m gonna take my own life, and make it look like an accident as to not hurt them as much.


Untill then I walk this earth dead inside,
Lost in my.own insanity,
Waiting for deaths sweet embrace to grab hold of me at last and let me get the rest I have for so long deserved.