Why can’t I share?

New to broaching my mental state (this is the first and only place outside of my own head) and my question is why is the thought of and planning of kms is so much less intimidating than discussing my mental health, current difficulties and disappointment with the world with anyone real? And that’s disregarding the difficulty of the process of changing mindset and improving one’s situation after the initial step. As in I know that death must be a bigger deal than a common conversation but when it comes to it I just can’t convince myself. I’m not at risk of dying as of now but it’s only going to get worse, as the worse I feel, the harder it is to conceal this side of myself to the world leading to a tendency to isolate myself and spiral depressively mulling in my own thoughts. But I know that I won’t share.