I have a lot on my mind as usual. But nothing that I haven’t said on here for the past few days. I thought I might share a post I never published. I wrote it on a .txt file and just forgot about it. I wrote it last year. School had just started and I wasn’t sure about a lot of things. It just goes over how much I hated getting my scholarship. Because of what happened because of it. Anyways:
I woke up with a headache today. My body ached all over. I felt the need for a cold shower, but of course I like warm showers better. I feel worse and worse everyday I can’t really tell where I am. What I’m doing. I’m several thousand feet over my head. I know I can’t do this. I’m a screw up. It’s natural that I can’t do this. What meaning is there in putting my thoughts down? Is it a way to calm myself down? Why do I bother when I already know my own thoughts. Is it just for prosperity’s sake. I’m not even too sure I know what that means. All I know is I’m a stranger in a strange land. Being at A&M was one thing, but I have zero frame of reference for this place. I remember agonizing over it for those 2 weeks when I got the acceptance letter. I told myself that I at least had to try. That I needed to at least see it. Then I got that stupid fucking letter. It turned my mind into mush. I hate it so much. I know that it’s good for my parents, but it literally fried my brain. I wish they never suggested me. I wish they never found me. I spent so much of my life in the background and never center stage, that the first time I ever get there, I go crazy. It makes me so angry. That I ever got that stupid thing. I hate it. I hate them. Even when they made it better, they ruined my life. I will never ever forgive them for that. What a miserable situation. I thought about this earlier and I realized that I dream too much for my age. I dream about ludicrous and nonsensical things. Things a person my age should’ve stopped a long time ago. I spent so my time dreaming that when I came within an inch of a dream, my mind couldn’t handle it. It’s hilariously ironic when you think about it.
7 comments
It kinda sounds like you’re not really angry about the scholarship, it’s more that you have feelings of inadequacy and that you don’t deserve it somehow…
There’s definitely an element of that in there. I am angry at the company because during a summer conference foe the scholarship winners, I started to have my first manic episode. I was later diagnosed with bipolar because of it. If they had never given me the damn scholarship, I wouldn’t have had an episode yet. I could have had at least more time living without the condition.
Is that how bipolar episodes work? Like, theres a specific trigger? I dunno.. do you think it would have been triggerred at some point, if not by the scholarship, by something else? I kinda feel like you’re putting the blame on one thing… conveniently, the thing you dont’ feel like you desrerve.,… but the fact is, mental health is really complex. Seems a little too convenient to say ‘if this one thing didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have this problem.’
Without knowing you or what this scholarship entails, I’m inclined to believe you did deserve it though…. as much as anyone ‘deserves’ anything… they don’t just hand scholarships out to everyone. Sometimes its a really tough vetting process. So maybe… take the compliment?
From what I’ve read, a person’s first manic episode is triggered via a life changing event. It usually happens in their early 20’s, which was the case for me. I recognize I was always going to be bipolar, scholarship or no scholarship. But I choose to hate the company regardless. I know some people would find that misguided, but it doesn’t change my feelings about the company. In terms of did I deserve my scholarship, I am convinced they picked the wrong person. If they knew more about me, they wouldn’t have backed me.
ok, I don’t know you or the vetting proceedure so there’s no point going into hypotheticals about whether you did or didn’t deserve this scholarship.
However, when some people get an opportunity, they just take advantage of it and don’t question whether or not they deserve it. And maybe its just your insecuirities trying to self sabotage (I can relate). Because regardless of how you got it, you have it. So you can either make that a good thing or a bad thing…
I’m not saying you shouldn’t hate the company or that you should be grateful for the scholarship. I’m just trying to point out that you’re being very hard on yourself. So hard, that I’m inclined to believe it’s unjustified… you may chose to dismiss this perspective as invalid, I don’t know you so what would I know. It just sounds really harsh.
I realize that I sound harsh. I have a lot of self hatred. A lot.
At least you didn’t go schizophrenic once you started to get your life together. I think you ought to take the L and see what else is out there for you. You will be amazed at the amount of things that are just waiting for you to explore. I hope you never let being bipolar get in the way of your dreams. I hope this “self hatred” never stops you from becoming who you want to be.