Just a lot on my mind like usual

My therapist said that I should take walks in order to get me out of my depressive mood. I took one today, but I don’t think it worked. It just made me ruminate more. I thought about what gives my life meaning. I want to good and competent and be useful as an engineer. I don’t know anything. I’m completely lost and without any skill. I’m worthless because I don’t try hard enough to improve. I thought that maybe being a good engineer would give my life meaning. But since I’m not a good engineer, then that must mean my life has no meaning. That I have no worth. Then I thought that my life must have meaning because there is a God. There has to be otherwise my life has no meaning. That is why a small part of me still clings to that belief in a higher being. I must believe in a God and that he has some sort of plan for my existence, because otherwise what do I have? Then I thought maybe there is no God and everything in life is what’s in front of you. What you are able to change and make is what you have in front of you. Nothing else but that. Then wouldn’t it make sense that since I am incapable of bettering myself that I should kill myself. That would mean I have nothing. Another thing that happened was some guy managed to get 2 dollars out of me. Looked kind of homeless. Asked for 50 cents then a dollar then two dollars. I was stupid enough to give it to him. Said he needed it for a joint. At least he’s honest. Looking at this post, I realize that I have a lot of unorganized thoughts. This whole thing was just kind of word vomit. Oh well. I honestly didn’t really feel the need to post, but that small part that did needed to be satisfied. So I did it. That is all.