For a brief moment, I thought that if I was nice and treated everyone with kindness, that things would work out for me. That all my short comings wouldn’t matter and that things would get better if I was just nice. That’s kind of dumb. To think that. Really if you think about it, that line of thinking doesn’t really make you nice. It means you are nice because you want something. It’s like those people who think that a girl would like them if they are nice to them. In my case I thought if I was nice, the universe would be nice back. Such a weird concept. I also thought that it would fix my short comings. Like I would actually become a better engineer if I was nice. Not though hard work or anything. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be nice. Just that you shouldn’t be nice because you want something. I don’t know. It’s Sunday. I will soon be given work that I don’t think I can do. That I am too stupid to do. I am incompetent. In a way I think that I choose to be incompetent. By not bettering myself. By not hunkering down and really getting at it. Too lazy. Too cowardly. Worthless.
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J Doe, yes there seems to be “two types of niceties.” The first is cordial, professional, basically in my opinion “fake” nice. This type is of social norms, culture and expectations of showing humbleness to others, yet lacking sincerity. In other words, being polite without actually giving a shit whatsoever. Case in point: being nice to a police officer, or a judge. Or, this type has expectations of something in return, something in kind. But society has falsely led us to believe this capitalistic mean is the proper way: “this for that.” An extreme version of this are “incels” men who claim themselves to be “involuntary celibates” and blame women rather than taking personal accountability for being a virgin or remaining celibate.
If someone looked at me, literally at face value, they’d think I a should be an incel.
So why have I not? Am I some stud? Some “***** whisperer”? No. But theirs is something different in the nice that I portray to be: genuine and unconditional.
It took some very serious life-changing (and near life-ending) events, the most recent being severe head trauma that surely would’ve killed another person!
I’ve learned through my children that my only real job is to provide UCONDITIONAL love, and truly not presume nor expect my children to either love or like me. Perhaps a bit Zen, Bhuddist or whatever, but I’ve lived long enough that part of PURSUIT of life is ALWAYS BEING GENUINE to yourself first and then others.
Note that being sincere does NOT allow others to tread all over you. That is where one must be ASSERTIVE yet respectful, and most importantly establish BOUNDARIES without sharing too much of yourself to be vulnerable and hurt.
There is a time and place for everything. Trust me, I have very painfully learned the hard way over the years that this is not easy. But I will never take the easy way out (like cheating in a game).
I am in no way implying this, my own value is I will never give up myself, my integrity nor my soul no matter how “unfair” everything else has been around me. My successes have not been due to luck or sympathy of others. My hard work, humility and most important (RESILIENCE and PERSEVERANCE). I’m proud when I’ve worked hard for something.
Yes, I’m guilty of acting entitled to certain things as a disabled veteran, but beyond that I do not believe I’m entitled to anything else for simply being me.
Honor is a gift one gives to oneself, the way you act when no one is looking, or when no one may notice. This is the only source I know for true kindness, the only virtue associated with “niceness” I hold any value in.
Then there’s people pleasing. For all it’s outer demonstrations of willingness to help, people pleasing is a defensive strategy. This form of niceness I detest, and seek to cast away from myself.
If you are kind for the sake of the reaction of others, that’s people pleasing. It’s a transactional relationship and is bound to have some failures. The economy of emotion doesn’t put much value on blatant obvious kindness.
It took years of penance and meditation for me to realize I have nothing to be sorry for, I have no need to go above and beyond to please others. I like being kind, it is the state I seek for myself because my heart rate is steady and my mind is clear. So when I am kind, it is for me, and anyone else is of secondary or tertiary benefit.
The tough thing is realizing that as I don’t have absolute control, I can’t stay in that comfortable state at all times. At times, I must be terrible. Sometimes I must be unbearable, because the situation is unbearable for me. I try to keep those times short, but I don’t have all the input there.
I am a force to reckon with, an unstoppable wave that can only be slowed. Secure in that, whatever behavior is necessary to protect that brand and image is simply means to an end. I’m not entirely amoral, there is behavior unacceptable to ever broach, but that category is very small.
You don’t owe anybody anything at all, unless you want to. You’ve survived longer by sheer force of will, you’ve already given above and beyond. You’ve already been nicer than anyone is capable of deserving. You did that because of who you are, and the value of keeping that up is beyond measure.
This is a very important topic.
Both @oldscull and @ heartlessviking have given solid advice. I will confine myself to the girl thing. If I learned nothing else from my relations with women I learned this – Everytime I put myself first I succeeded, Everytime I put her first Failure, Failure with a capital F
You might be to young to accept that, but its true.!
Rainwatch, what you write is thoughtful and I’ve been there. However, regardless of my positive (and some negative) experiences with women, “they’re people too.”
What I mean by that is this: the most important female will always be my mom (she passed from old age). The next most important woman is my daughter. But please note: I raised her to be respected as a PERSON. My daughter is of course female, and social constructs influenced her decision to choose what attributes to be a woman. I was the catalyst since she was wee young for her to feel comfortable being a lady (without entitlement).
Having said that, regarding women and my future love, I see a woman as a partner.
Remember this unique, WEIRD, fact o’ science: we were ALL ASSIGNED the SAME PARTS (Müllerian ducts, see: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paramesonephric_duct). Sometime around 6 weeks the fetus becomes defined by genetic coding (see: https://biomedicalodyssey.blogs.hopkinsmedicine.org/2017/09/its-hard-work-being-a-boy-and-it-turns-out-a-girl/).
Here’s something even weirder! I have a part, in my (male) body that has “vagina” in it: tunica vaginalis (see: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tunica_vaginalis). Anyway, that’s my perspective on it. Other than a couple of obvious body parts, I treat women like people: people. I always treat a woman like a lady, but that’s due to my family traditions.
Respecting boundaries (and especially CMA at work), I will NEVER be alone with a female at the office or other places that could make her feel awkward . Better safe being with others and appropriate. VERY RARELY are the silent professionals victims of false accusations. I still trust women, definitely NOT misogynist, but I am realistic with balance of courtesy, professionalism, boundaries and yet maintain assertiveness when necessary.
Typo ‘too young’. Fucking smartphones!
well in my personal life, me being nice had led NOTHING but shit thrown in my face, and it was never reciprocated. i’m tired of being nice when it’s all the assholes and selfish pricks that get rewarded in life. oh, ESPECIALLY the PHONY ASS FAKE PEOPLE- people who pretend to be nice and lovely amazing and selfless but are super fake and only do these things to present an image they’re so nice and all that to the world- and people fall for it. All the time. I mean I can’t blame ppl for falling for it bc they’re great liars and manipulators. But these are the ppl that get everything in life- the greedy, selfish, callous ppl, and the ppl who pretend to be nice and manipulate (who are also greedy and selfish). Truly “nice” ppl get shafted, usually.