I remember my freshmen year of college I attended a sociology class that went over the topic. I don’t remember too much, but I remember there being 3 types. One of them is due to a feeling of being outside society as a whole. Like you don’t feel like you belong to anything. I think that would be the one for me. I feel as if I serve no purpose, that I am worthless. I don’t belong anywhere. That would be mine.
I went to a two day suicidality and managing it within mental health seminar. The major takeaway I got from that (apart from taking threats seriously), was that psy-ache is the leading cause of depression. That is the unique pain that appears non physical but is every bit as potent if not moreso than actual pain.
so why do I say it’s more potent? Because painkillers are a thing. The way painkillers work is that they actively work against the mechanism that gives you pain.
It bugs me that the article says “some people will get anti depressants and not feel suicidal”, yeah, sure, SOME. If you’re still suicidal, they’ll keep loading you up with medications until you get to the point you can’t take any more medications…. which is where I am. I’m at the top dose of all my meds.
and on a daily basis, I’m not that suicidal, but now and then it breaks through. I’ve been suicidal so long that I physically hunger for it if I’m not careful.
the “reason?” my career, being trapped in a community that doesn’t understand me, being told I’m “smart” but not having any proof of that on hand….. take your pick. I’m mostly suicidal because my central belief is that there is nothing after death, no heaven, no hell, no shangrila, just not being.
Like where do computers go when they die? Not the hardware, but the software? It ceases to be, that’s what I hope is the case for people. and I wish we could transfer the attitudes towards software and mechanical failures to those of biology. Sometimes the budget just isn’t there to make repair happen, and instead of lying to us that it’s coming, I wish they’d just let us go and be free.
I guess, while I’m ranting about my issues with existence, I’ll close on the final attitude that infuriates me and makes me want to die; the people suffering, those I’ve talked to, they blame THEMSELVES almost always, they have so much shame they can’t admit that someone screwed them…. and that’s why abusive personalities still run the world. No one will challenge them. It’s all personal accountability when you’re in pain, but when you’re a wild success then all of the rest of society must bleed so that you don’t suffer the consequences of your own ineptitude.
I want to die because I wasn’t born a multinational corporation. because if I had been, entire economies would die keeping me going, people would suffer, and they wouldn’t do a damn thing to me.
Governors would weep and give me mass tracts of lands, just so I could go “create jobs.” Even if at the very same time I laid off half my workforce, and put that money the government gave me into buying more of my own stock. What a racket!
I’d reap all the rewards without taking any of the risks…. sounds like a pretty nice situation, especially when you don’t have to worry about food or medical care.
the rich are corrupt. they buy politicians and then have politicians make/change the rules that benefit them and screw us over. that’s why “multinational corporations” can do whatever they want. hell, you don’t have to be a multinational corporation, heartless. you could be a small government contactor, created by a wealthy f*ck, and there ya go, you get away with murder. probably literally in some of these cases.
we are playing in a “game of life” where the game is rigged against us the moment we were born. such is life for the masses/peons. and what can we do about it other than dive into drugs/alcohol/depression/suicide/denial/etc?
i guess in the end, the ones who are dumb enough to be able to stay in denial have it the best eh?
“the people suffering, those I’ve talked to, they blame THEMSELVES almost always, they have so much shame they can’t admit that someone screwed them….”
What about ppl like me? I am well aware of the forces that screw us, and I do blame the powers that be that intentionally screw us, but that doesn’t make me any less depressed. hell, the fact that I am SO AWARE of what’s going on is what MAKES me so depressed.
Well I also have a shit-ton of issues aside from too much knowledge…
“we are playing in a “game of life” where the game is rigged against us the moment we were born. such is life for the masses/peons. and what can we do about it other than dive into drugs/alcohol/depression/suicide/denial/etc?”
Honestly this is how I often feel. Its one endless fucked up game.
“Well I also have a shit-ton of issues aside from too much knowledge…”
I have a fuck ton of issues that just make everything ten times worse. I have way too much knowledge and adults tell me I’m really smart. but sometimes it sucks because I can’t ever talk to people my age. All they ever do is gossip about shit. When I come into the conversation everything always gets awkward, its like im on a completely different wavelength. its so frustrating and I can never fit in.
“it sucks because I can’t ever talk to people my age. …its like im on a completely different wavelength. its so frustrating and I can never fit in.”
–>That was me as well when I was younger. I couldn’t understand how some people couldn’t grasp basic concepts- and I was a kid. It doesn’t get better with age though, bc once they become adults and can theoretically now be on your wavelength, you would have grown too, and you’ll still be on a different wavelength than they are.
On the plus side, you young folk have the internet. You can reach out to people older than you, smarter than you, someone maybe on your wavelength. Still hard to find but easier now than when I was a kid and there was literally no way to find other ppl to talk to.
I think I’m smart enough that If I can’t see a path ahead where I stop being lonely and I can go over to his apartment and talk about a book I like them.. well yeah
7 comments
I remember my freshmen year of college I attended a sociology class that went over the topic. I don’t remember too much, but I remember there being 3 types. One of them is due to a feeling of being outside society as a whole. Like you don’t feel like you belong to anything. I think that would be the one for me. I feel as if I serve no purpose, that I am worthless. I don’t belong anywhere. That would be mine.
I went to a two day suicidality and managing it within mental health seminar. The major takeaway I got from that (apart from taking threats seriously), was that psy-ache is the leading cause of depression. That is the unique pain that appears non physical but is every bit as potent if not moreso than actual pain.
so why do I say it’s more potent? Because painkillers are a thing. The way painkillers work is that they actively work against the mechanism that gives you pain.
It bugs me that the article says “some people will get anti depressants and not feel suicidal”, yeah, sure, SOME. If you’re still suicidal, they’ll keep loading you up with medications until you get to the point you can’t take any more medications…. which is where I am. I’m at the top dose of all my meds.
and on a daily basis, I’m not that suicidal, but now and then it breaks through. I’ve been suicidal so long that I physically hunger for it if I’m not careful.
the “reason?” my career, being trapped in a community that doesn’t understand me, being told I’m “smart” but not having any proof of that on hand….. take your pick. I’m mostly suicidal because my central belief is that there is nothing after death, no heaven, no hell, no shangrila, just not being.
Like where do computers go when they die? Not the hardware, but the software? It ceases to be, that’s what I hope is the case for people. and I wish we could transfer the attitudes towards software and mechanical failures to those of biology. Sometimes the budget just isn’t there to make repair happen, and instead of lying to us that it’s coming, I wish they’d just let us go and be free.
I guess, while I’m ranting about my issues with existence, I’ll close on the final attitude that infuriates me and makes me want to die; the people suffering, those I’ve talked to, they blame THEMSELVES almost always, they have so much shame they can’t admit that someone screwed them…. and that’s why abusive personalities still run the world. No one will challenge them. It’s all personal accountability when you’re in pain, but when you’re a wild success then all of the rest of society must bleed so that you don’t suffer the consequences of your own ineptitude.
I want to die because I wasn’t born a multinational corporation. because if I had been, entire economies would die keeping me going, people would suffer, and they wouldn’t do a damn thing to me.
Governors would weep and give me mass tracts of lands, just so I could go “create jobs.” Even if at the very same time I laid off half my workforce, and put that money the government gave me into buying more of my own stock. What a racket!
I’d reap all the rewards without taking any of the risks…. sounds like a pretty nice situation, especially when you don’t have to worry about food or medical care.
you and me both heartless.
the rich are corrupt. they buy politicians and then have politicians make/change the rules that benefit them and screw us over. that’s why “multinational corporations” can do whatever they want. hell, you don’t have to be a multinational corporation, heartless. you could be a small government contactor, created by a wealthy f*ck, and there ya go, you get away with murder. probably literally in some of these cases.
we are playing in a “game of life” where the game is rigged against us the moment we were born. such is life for the masses/peons. and what can we do about it other than dive into drugs/alcohol/depression/suicide/denial/etc?
i guess in the end, the ones who are dumb enough to be able to stay in denial have it the best eh?
“the people suffering, those I’ve talked to, they blame THEMSELVES almost always, they have so much shame they can’t admit that someone screwed them….”
What about ppl like me? I am well aware of the forces that screw us, and I do blame the powers that be that intentionally screw us, but that doesn’t make me any less depressed. hell, the fact that I am SO AWARE of what’s going on is what MAKES me so depressed.
Well I also have a shit-ton of issues aside from too much knowledge…
“we are playing in a “game of life” where the game is rigged against us the moment we were born. such is life for the masses/peons. and what can we do about it other than dive into drugs/alcohol/depression/suicide/denial/etc?”
Honestly this is how I often feel. Its one endless fucked up game.
“Well I also have a shit-ton of issues aside from too much knowledge…”
I have a fuck ton of issues that just make everything ten times worse. I have way too much knowledge and adults tell me I’m really smart. but sometimes it sucks because I can’t ever talk to people my age. All they ever do is gossip about shit. When I come into the conversation everything always gets awkward, its like im on a completely different wavelength. its so frustrating and I can never fit in.
“it sucks because I can’t ever talk to people my age. …its like im on a completely different wavelength. its so frustrating and I can never fit in.”
–>That was me as well when I was younger. I couldn’t understand how some people couldn’t grasp basic concepts- and I was a kid. It doesn’t get better with age though, bc once they become adults and can theoretically now be on your wavelength, you would have grown too, and you’ll still be on a different wavelength than they are.
On the plus side, you young folk have the internet. You can reach out to people older than you, smarter than you, someone maybe on your wavelength. Still hard to find but easier now than when I was a kid and there was literally no way to find other ppl to talk to.
Just loneliness, very simple.
I think I’m smart enough that If I can’t see a path ahead where I stop being lonely and I can go over to his apartment and talk about a book I like them.. well yeah