The Word Worthless

I tell myself that I am this so much that it kind of loses its meaning. At least when I’m buy myself. I just got done having a therapy session. I told him about how I think I’m worthless and all the stuff about the lab. I started crying again. When I talk to other people about this stuff I cry, but by myself I don’t (most of the time, sometime I do tear up). He asked me why I felt that way and kept asking why when I gave him answers. Is that what a good therapist does? I don’t know. Eventually he came to the conclusion that I should participate more and that I should just “be confident” in myself. I mean I guess so. That’s a very easy thing to say. But when you have years upon years of awful self hatred, it’s not something that is going to be fixed just like that. I was going over old posts of mine because I like to do so, and I was reminded that the first time I’ve ever felt self confidence was when I had my manic episode. It felt so good. Amazing. I’m a virgin, but that feeling is what sex must feel like. And it was all a product of a mental illness. Still bitter about it. My mom is getting concerned. She asked me if anything was wrong and I told her no. She asked if there was anything wrong, that I would tell her and I said yes. I’m bad at hiding my true feelings in my voice. I just naturally have my inflection match my mood. Whatever. There’s no point in telling my parents anything. It’s not like it would change anything.