Two Things on My Mind N

That’s not true. I have a lot of things on my mind. But I will talk about two specific things today.

I was thinking about my manic episode earlier today and remembered that it almost got me killed. I have absolutely no idea if I talked about this already, but I freaked out two tellers so bad that one of them went to their car to get a gun. It was at the peak of my mania and my parents, who were already worried, dropped me off at a trading card shop. The type that has all sorts of stuff for dungeons and dragons and magic the gathering. So I walk in and immediately start looking at the cashiers funny. I was super paranoid about everything, even if people were real. They were clearly freaked out about this and asked what was up, and I explained that I was a little cautious because of the big company that sponsored me and I couldn’t really tell what was real. That upset them some more. Then I went and tried to buy this real expensive kit. When your manic, you spend like crazy. I had been spending money on games and porn subscriptions. I didn’t realize I was out of cash. So when my card got declined, I suspected that someone was controlling my money. I thought “ok let me buy something cheaper”. It got declined again. And I kept doing this over and over again. The cashiers kept getting more and more upset by this. They kept trying to explain to me that it was declined and it wasn’t going to work. I didn’t understand. I got more and more jittery and just agitated. At one point I made this big show about taking a free playing card and putting down a dollar for it. This really started to set the cashiers off. They clearly wanted me out of the store. So at one point, one of the cashiers went outside and came back. I saw that he had a gun tucked into his jeans now. They didn’t threaten me, but they had clearly had it with me, so when I tried to by more things, they refused to ring it up because they knew it would be declined. Then when I decided to leave, I tried to steal a small toy. Immediately the guy told me to put it back and I did and I said thank you and goodbye. In my mind I tried stealing to see what they would do and hoped they would tell me to not do it. That’s why I said thank you. Looking back on it, I could have been shot easily. All it would have took was a jumpy cashier that was afraid of me and my illness and I would be dead. It makes me wonder how many people have been in the same situation and died. Really curious.

The second thing is much more brief. After all this time, I really think she’s gone for good this time. I have dozens of posts talking about her. They are always about how sad it made me that she wouldn’t talk to me. There’s always been these periods where I wouldn’t hear from her. Sometimes they would be as long as 6 months. Maybe more. I haven’t heard from her since June. It’s been around 10 months now. I can feel it. She’s really gone. For whatever reason, she won’t talk to me anymore. She might be in a completely different place in her life now. Who knows? Certainly not me. I think I’m ok with it. Sad, but ok with it. Still though every few weeks or so, I can’t help shooting her a text saying hello and I hope she’s doing ok. Maybe she reads them, maybe she doesn’t. I don’t know when I will stop. 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. I do not know. But I think I’m ok with it. She does know about this place and about me on here. I told her a long time ago because I thought it would help her understand me better. I wanted her to understand me. Thinking about it, it’s a real strange thing to tell a person. Here’s my journal where I talk about my suicidal thoughts and my depression. Maybe telling her this kind of thing is what made her distant from me. Who knows? Either way, if you, the girl who knows me in the real world, happen to be reading this, Hi and I hope your doing ok.