I struggle with my emotions, with my deepest darkest thoughts.
My husband goes on and on about how I need to move work so that I have less stress and ‘maybe that’s why we don’t have children yet.’ Or less expenses due to the long travel to work. Or how he’s tired, ‘let’s not go out‘. Or how ‘it’s too expensive do we really need to do that?’ How he’ll just nod when I ask him to do things, but he won’t and ‘anyway I love him, regardless, right?’
I’m tired. I’m the one who goes to the doctor to get checked. He never did, because he’s too scared to go. I’m the one who had to make adjustments. When we got married, I’m the one who had to adjust because, ‘no we’re not moving closer to your work, aren’t you transferring closer to home anyway?’ When he’s tired, we don’t go out, I just had to say ok let’s not, or I’d just go out by myself, never mind that what I really wanted was to just spend time together because we both work long hours apart. When finances come into play, it’s always save this and that, despite the fact that we’re not hurting for anything and we’re both in high paying careers. How I love him regardless, does he not know I have limits to my love?
Sometimes, I don’t know if I have a husband or a fuck buddy.
Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m a wife or a nagging friend with benefits.
Sometimes, I have this crippling sense of myself that says, there’s no point to anything. He’ll never understand, he’ll just say love me, and when you say yes he’ll forget anything ever happened.
Sometimes, the pervasive thoughts of death and self destruction overcomes my sense of self. And I am left with nothing but darkness and desolation.
I want to let my thoughts win, leave all my love buried and torn to pieces. Maybe then I won’t feel this madness in my heart. They say love is blind. It made me incompetent and incomplete.
Love is unconditional, and indefinite. But I’m human, and the only one to have ever claimed infinite love is God.