He left again, probably for good

The one person i’ve ever felt remotely comfortable and able to speak to left me again, I don’t understand why, it’s been a month so far. I managed to work through some feelings and sent him a letter. He told me not to contact him and I wont anymore but I deserve better than how he left me. Maybe. Idk it doesn’t matter cus I did it, now i’m fully alone, he’s almost certainly not going to read it.

i’m never going to get the satisfaction of everything finally ‘clicking’ for him, for him to realise he’s fully capable of working things out with me if he doesn’t just leave it entirely down to me. That the reason we keep ending up ‘back here’ is because he refuses to fully acknowledge and take home with him what he’s doing and reflect on it. I get beating yourself up over stuff but i’m so willing to make it as easy as possible to just make things better with him, we just need to be able to talk about stuff, we need to be able to work things out, I need to matter enough for him to want to do that, for him to do it of his own volition so i’m not made to feel like i’m pressuring him, like i’m being unreasonable.

It feels like he was just looking excuses to avoid introspection. There are much more fun ways to do that together i would’ve been so down for lol but no it had to be let me think he’s going to really take it seriously this time. Let me think we have an understanding and that I just need to be patient. Again. And then make me feel like a crazy snivelling ***** keeping you tethered to her when i’m upset that i’m forgot about. AGAIN. Be sure to mention how i’m “toxic” and leave me wondering what I did wrong. Definitely don’t approach me like a fucking adult about it. It’s not like we’ve spent over half a decade supporting each other. It’s not like we have good times and our friendship is worth the focus and maintenance for a while. You’ve got two girlfriends in another country you’ve always wanted to move to so everyone you used to know is just a difficult emotional tie, especially me, the person you’ve spent the most time with, the person you kept letting believe things you had no intention of following through on.

My letter was much nicer than this because I care about him and I still want to fix things but I didn’t pretend I’m the only person at fault. I reacted bad, i phrased things poorly, that’s all I have to apologise for really. I was constantly reaching out to him but at a certain point he just didn’t seem to care. Or he did but he just kept sabotaging us both. I dont know. It was so fucking weird sometimes.

I wouldn’t of been able to transition without him. My body still feels disgusting and I’ll never pass. Cutting feels pointless most of the time now. Idk how to get myself to end it for good. So I’ll just do drugs here in isolation until one day i can, or i feel better, or maybe I can be a murder statistic.

I loved you so much and I wanted us to get better together but you took all my support, found new friends, shrugged off anything I said might help me in the long term in favor of short term help that left you more tired with me and me more dependent on you and turned around and called what i was suggesting as codependent and then you fucking left me. I hate you. I love you. I want you to just see how fucked that is. I don’t want you to hate yourself I want you to just make it right. I hope you have a good life.