Humbling experience, this whole thing has been, but today was particularly sharp. Remember the metaphor I had going about rebuilding my office and my life? Well this morning was the equal of a heart attack…. the old computer which I was really struggling to let go of froze up. Worse, it happened after I had done a big chunk of cleaning and rearranging, and it causing a deficiency was exactly what I was afraid of… so I kind of lost it, for awhile
What saved me is even more stupid, I just couldn’t afford the meltdown, too much going on, and there’s no support there for me to entirely fall apart. It really felt like a hot knife right in the chest, and of course I hadn’t had my coffee. That’s so much more of a thing lately. If I don’t get coffee I’m significantly more likely to destabilize
It might be magical thinking, but it seems like when I lose my control, things around me become more chaotic, making the spiraling worse. So I stopped only because I couldn’t handle what more losing it held in preparation. I seriously thought about calling the hotline, but I also didn’t want to get that deep into the despair I felt. It was a choice between that and using what little I had to pull back…. so I guess this is me, pulled back
I got the new desktop up and… sort of working, still testing stuff, and it still feels like a stiff new pair of pants. The only system was a comfortable pair of jeans, almost a part of my body…. but in the midst of the whole crisis I found my momento mori coin, and I thought about how it’s kind of a universal. Yes, I will die, and the sooner the better, but everything will die or decay. I know that’s supposed to be a depressing thought, but it makes me feel better, none of us are any better off in that regard. We’re all decaying, falling apart, and eventually there will be no redeeming value in us.
So I don’t need to help the process along any, is the point, I guess. I still hurt.
5 comments
great to hear you plowed thru the initial disaster on the launch pad. I think recovery (or at least a damn good effort) can’t happen until we master some damage control skills. Without that it isn’t recovery, it’s just luck.
If you’ve seen the original ghostbusters movie from the 80s there’s a scene that comes to mind. It’s near the end when they suit up for the final showdown with the demons and the entire city of new york is cheering them on as they strut by wearing their badass gear & artillery. Then before they even get to the first step suddenly the demon cracks open the ground and swallows them whole. There’s an awkward silence as the crowd is basically thinking “gee well that didnt go well”
Of course they manage to climb out and return to the fight but the point is sometimes you get your ass kicked before you can even throw a punch. The question is are you gonna stay down and call it quits or are you gonna bounce back.
Like you described thats something I struggle with. no matter how pumped I am to give it all I got, sometimes I get sucker punched by something random & stupid… a computer crash, or something breaks or even just an upsetting phone call, and suddenly the entire universe turns to chaos. my own penchant for self destruction finishes the job.
i guess thats where normal people have a solid support group, friends or family to give them a pep talk. But if you dont have that, then where do you go? sometimes its as if the slightest nudge can get us back on track but even a nudge is out of our reach.
Ghostbusters is one of my all time favorite movies, more integrated into my brain than anything I’ve learned in school. I’m more feeling the moment they have to climb to the top of the skyscraper by stairs, and of course in the first movie they are all smokers so they’re just dragging all the way up. I feel that.
“No one steps on a church in my town!” there’s something just so working class right about that film.
but yeah, on my back again but not knocked out. I have to remind myself this is better than completing the spiral. Having other people be there for me seems like it’s nice, but on the other hand it’s a weak point to be exploited. Any abusive person the first thing they do is disconnect you from your support system. So self regulation is the only option if abusive people are around, and they’re everywhere.
Also, some of them are really good at hiding it, so they go years building trust with you just waiting for you to be vulnerable, then WHAM, betrayal.
Nursing my wounds today. OH, I have a good trick; benedryl is actually really good as a cognitive inhibitor, as in that is the mechanism that causes it to be so good for sleep. If you’re up late at night overthinking, take a few and it sufficiently dampens thought such that you can drift off to sleep. Then the next day there’s still some left over, because it stays in the body for a long time.
A few years ago I was dosed on it non stop, and I might be moving that direction again. Thought itself is the problem, absent thought, the human body can’t get up to much bad mischief. Impaired cognition also makes time go faster. A fair warning though, there are diminishing returns. Up to about 200 mg you get decent effect, but over that is really unpleasant.
haha I forgot the stairs scene, that’s more appropriate. Yeah it’s like that moment when you realize how much work you gotta do just to get in the game. Not only that but being handicapped because you’re a smoker (in our case depression or anxiety).
funny you mentioned benadryl because I just took one an hr ago to take the edge off a bad day. Translation: trying to avoid my usual spiral into SH.
I never considered that maybe it helps with sleep just by removing the cognitive noise. That makes sense. But sometimes by the same token it gives me more anxiety (“theres something important I should be doing, but these pills are blanking out my memory”)
and you’re right, it’s tricky hitting that sweet spot between pleasant effect & utter panic if you take too much. Thats why I would never attempt suicide by benadryl (again). I just wish there were other OTC anxiety meds like this. There’s alcohol but we all know where that leads..
which reminds me of why I stockpile, I’ve been utterly without anything stronger than OTC…. not sure I could survive it now. I will say it’s not nearly as much of a difficulty getting non narcotic anti anxiety meds. If you go to the doctor and say you have trouble sleeping, they’ll usually give you something interesting.
(there’s a small voice in the back of my head saying I shouldn’t teach others to exploit the medical system, but why not? it’s so easy to exploit, and that appears to be where it really shines)
Anyway then it’s just a game of keeping good notes on reactions. Sub optimal, back to the Dr. Too much? scale back if possible. Short term it doesn’t feel like you’re getting much done, but I have to say the result is fairly good. I’m at the point now where I’m pretty much constantly as relaxed as I was under “ideal” circumstances with xanex or THC… with less side effects
granted I can’t drink, or smoke THC or really much of anything in terms of illicit substances….. but I think that’s the point; prescription drugs are formulated such that effect is maximized, with minimal unpleasantness. best of all, if you are staying even remotely reasonable dose wise it can’t get you into any hot water with work or the law.
I guess I have reached the point I would advocate for it, only because of some of the things I’ve recently been reading about regarding the illicit market, some of the stuff they’re cutting the drugs with these days is so much worse than back when I used.
Essentially my take is that sobriety is a nice goal, but moderation is achievable.
you’ve summed up my lifelong dilemma. Are drugs a good thing or bad thing? I’ve always looked for a simple yes/no answer because it’s easier to handle life in b&w. So it’s hard for me to accept ‘moderation’ as an answer even though that’s accurate. Til recently I’ve viewed drugs as clearly bad but they get the job done.. or maybe as a spiteful response to the unfairness of life. (Sean Connery in the untouchables: ‘He pulls a knife, you pull a gun’)
But recently I’ve been wondering if drugs, in careful doses whether legal or not, are actually a good thing. Maybe it’s even an evolutionary step forward. Imagine a species that learns to survive adverse conditions by selectively numbing its own mind (regulating hunger, pain, etc), I’d call that a pretty badass species.
The question is are the drugs making us more efficient? Or are they causing our stagnation? Overall it looks more like stagnation/decay, if you look at the history of drug & alcohol addiction in the world. But maybe for every 100 junkies who dies in a dirty alley there is 1 genius entrepreneur, artist or inventor who couldn’t have done it without those magic beans.
one way or the other, you’re right that careful note taking and discipline is the key. the scientific approach. But it’s hard to think scientifically when we’re dealing with a very un-scientific agony.