So I went to the doctor on Tuesday, the head doctor, only doctor I go to. I got a PA, which is always an adventure. This one was decent, I’m not complaining. Rather, new provider, I’ve got to give her the gist of what’s going on with me. What’s going on with me? Sleep problems, eating problems, a couple severely suicidal moments in the past two weeks. Not particularly suicidal right now, because I’d have to care to be that.
My heart broke for her a bit, she tried to cheer me up, “Hey I see you got into *prestigious university*, that’s awesome” and I’m like “don’t even get me started, we don’t know when or if there’s funding for that.” So now I’ve killed her hope for the encounter. Anyway, I asked for more drugs. she offered several and my response every time; “going to make it easier to eat? Easier to sleep? if no, no thanks.” Eventually she arrived on one of my meds she could up the dose on. I thought we were done.
But because I’m on lithium specifically, she wanted to know when I’d had bloodwork done, “who’s your GP?” don’t have one, that would also require effort for which I would get very little in return. “eaten anything today?” Yeah, it’s 3 PM at this point. So I have to come back the next day for them to draw and test my blood….. and I need to fast overnight. I could have done it later, I suppose, but that’s not who I am anymore, planning my life outside of the next 24 hours. That’s a level of faith in the universe I just don’t have anymore.
So yeah, THAT was fun, then the pharmacy only gave me 7 days of meds, so next week I get to go to the pharmacy again…… I hate the pharmacy, I hate heat, and both of those are most of what I have immediately in front of me next week.
So I didn’t accomplish a damn thing, whole rest of the week, all my effort went to medical care, and again to be clear; I’m not that sick. The whole time I’m like “yeah, it sucks, but I’ll get by” energy and I am failing to inspire confidence.
and I tried taking way too much (relative to my regular dose, being the biggest coward there is I made sure it was not an overdose). It didn’t make the sleep better, FYI, it just made me care less. Caring very little is my super power at this point;
“Once there was an ordinary guy, and his entire career collapsed under him, now he takes the maximum therapeutic dose of non narcotic drugs. He’s ‘Well that’s just like your Opinion Man’!” Worst super hero ever. Maybe I should have had him fall into a radioactive vat of non narcotic drugs, go all 80s Marvel with it.
anyway, my big complaint right now is that I have no ambition at all, even for stupid stuff. I’m trying to get into playing Open Transport Tycoon Deluxe, I don’t have a good reason why. It’s just a game with lots of tedium, and I’m trying to improve my tedium tolerance. Most of the day, I sit at my desk trying to talk myself into playing this stupid game. Most days I don’t play any at all. Then I go to bed and lay there in bed, thinking about playing this stupid game.
IDK, maybe it is less awful than it feels. Most of the day I get nothing done, and when I try to settle down suddenly my brain is like “You could do this in that game you’ve been thinking about.”
and I wish I had some angst, some sort of problem that’s actually interesting…. “I can’t stop fantasizing about murder”….. that would be interesting. I’d probably be hospitalized, but people would be happy for it. Like “don’t want that guy out there, might murder people.”
There’s no call to keep someone from being totally useless. Most people are useless though, my only difference is being self aware.
3 comments
Jesus, heartless. You’re taking LITHIUM? That shit is evil. It wrecks your whole body.
Lithium is probably the reason why you “don’t have the ability to care.” Most of these psych drugs just numb you tf out.
I see so many people on psych drugs are zonked out like zombies. No feelings, no caring about anything or anyone, emotionless, flatlining.
But I guess you like that it makes you numb? Well, your life dude, but seriously, Lithium is like THE WORST drug you can take. It causes so many adverse health issues.
It’s your life but dude, don’t take that shit.
yeah, believe me I know, because of my background I have a lot of people in mental health in my life, and all of them say what you’re saying about lithium.
I know why I got on it, because at the time I was violently suicidal. At the time I called it blissful, it was like having the munchies under THC, only my munchies were for death. I would see something I could use to kill myself and think “That’d work! Let’s try it!” and the only thing keeping me alive was the shame I feel thinking about people finding my body.
so the options were lithium or staying at the hospital until it blew over…. and my insurance sure didn’t want to pay for the hospital. Also, the hospital sucks, I’ve done it once and it was so horrible I’ve been very motivated to stay out of it. By hospital I mean asylum, btw, I still have never had to go to the full medical hospital, and I don’t want that either.
and in my brief moments of clarity, I didn’t want to die, I was just in so much pain it was pure pleasure to think about. So I went to the doctor, and they told me that lithium had the specific effect of inhibiting suicidal thought. They also talked about the available options, and again I wanted to keep sleeping in my own bed, drinking my coffee, playing with my dogs.
It also must be noted that at the time I was working as an electrician, and I hated it so much, but I didn’t have the willpower to escape. I figured it would numb me up enough I could do the job, but it actually lowered the pain to the point I realized I could walk away from it.
All of this was a year ago. I started trying to get off of it in March, but I’ve had multiple serious incidents that set me back in the last three months. Again, awful choices; either stop the medication or stay out of the hospital
my feeling right now is that it isn’t safe to care, it isn’t safe to be “sober.” If I care, other people will manipulate it into making me do things that I hate, metaphysical self harm. but where I’m at, numb, I can with all honesty say “I’m barely keeping myself alive, and to do that requires so many drugs even my doctor finds it absurd.”
like my latest thing, I sort of walked away from therapy. Not on purpose, I’m fairly certain I missed an appointment, but I chose not to make the effort to mend the bridge…. and I don’t feel any worse for it. Old me, sober me, would have made me go back, because I had to make a show of trying, of attempting to get better…..
but this new me? screw em’. I’ve been in therapy since age 7, you’d think it would have made a difference.
what if the time of “being in a better place” never comes around for you to then stop taking it?
the longer you’re on lithium, the harder and longer it’s going to take to come off it. None of the anti depressants actually gets rid of people’s depression- all the drugs do is numb and zombify people. That’s all they do.
And give them serious health side effects. And all these people still have depression. but hey, it’s your life. if that’s what you want to do or take, ok. you seem like a “good” person (not that i know cuz you’re a stranger) so i just wanted to warn you is all.
what you don’t want is 5 years later and you’re still on it. what was temporary then has become permanent. i’m sure you’ve also seen that as well.
well bud- i hope for your sake you get off that soon, whenever that is.