Just trying to get some shit out (as usual.)
It’s maddening to deeply want something that you know is deeply wrong. It necessitates becoming alienated from an integral part of yourself. “No, surely, it can’t be me who would want to do that terrible thing. I would never.” And there’s no resolution to it. Either you do the terrible thing, and feel terrible about yourself. Or you don’t, and you have it eating away at you, and you feel terrible about existence in general. I hate myself, and yet a part of me loves that kind of longing far too much to ever give it up.
I don’t want to die. I just want not to feel like this anymore, and on some level I’m convinced the latter requires the former. But getting to the point where I’m ready to let go will require a lot of change. I’m deeply attached to the idea of living. Of a life worth living. Of being a person worthy of existing. I’m not even sure how to begin undoing all that. Maybe some kind of psychoactive drug experience. Or decades of meditation.
Until then I’m just stuck with this despair, longing, fear, and regret. This deep sense of wrongness. And there’s no resolution. There’s no hope. That’s the point of despair. There’s really nothing to be done. I can see no viable way out. Except death. And death will come, inevitably, sooner or later. But until then it’s just a matter of becoming progressively more miserable, while trying to carry on. All things shall pass…
4 comments
I, too, have desired to do things I shouldn’t. I’ve never given-in, though.
It is very healthy to acknowledge that these desires are there. Bottling it up never makes things any better. And I understand the pain in never acting upon those desires.
Journaling helps me. I write these things out, and then immediately destroy them when I’m finished, so that no one else can learn of them.
I recommend a therapist as well, if you don’t already have one. I once feared that if I shared my darkness with a therapist that they’d break confidentiality and have me sent to a psych facility, etc. This isn’t the case, though. Coming to them with these things demonstrates a sincere desire to be rid of these desires.
Outlets are important. Is there a way for you to partially satisfy these desires without hurting yourself or others? Sometimes, outlets help take off the edge.
Best wishes. Hope some of this helps.
Thanks dude. I’m not sure writing about things in detail would help, though I think I’ve done so in the past. I think it might make it more prominent in my mind, which would either lead to greater shame or down unhealthy paths. I sometimes acknowledge the desires more abstractly in writing, but I’m not sure it makes much of a difference. I suppose that’s kind of what I’m doing here.
I’ve tried talking to therapists about it before, but the shame becomes overwhelming after a while, and I start to dread the sessions. It becomes like a punishment. Some things you just can’t make ok, no matter how you frame them. Regardless of how professional and compassionate a therapist might be, it’s like I’m this kind of subhuman specimen who they have to carefully manage from an emotional distance. I just don’t think I have it in me to push myself through that kind of experience again, even if I could find someone willing to work with my specialist issues and afford to pay for it.
I suppose I have outlets, but none that feel healthy. They might take the edge off, but I still generally feel as lost and lonely afterwards as I did before, sometimes more so.
I think you’re onto something with the appeal of sometimes destructive behavior, it’s something people tend to miss
And that’s exactly what you need to figure out; making it less appealing. Whatever it does for you can be replaced with something at least less awful
Which brings me to another thing; don’t allow perfect to become an enemy of the good. I get aspiring to more, and that’s good, right up until it prevents growth because then it is self defeating
Every day, I try to be better than yesterday, when I get wider than that I feel overwhelmed by depression and anxiety
I think the really tricky part is finding those replacements for a destructive behaviour that actually fulfil the function you associate with the behaviour.
I’m effectively an addict, if not chemically then behaviourally. I’ve been entrenching this shit deep into my brain since I was 14 years old. And it really worked back then. It really made me feel good, or at least better about painful experiences I didn’t know how to deal with. And although it grows less and less effective by the year, I’ve yet to find anything that even comes close to providing that feeling of relief/relaxation/all is right with the world.
No matter how many times I tell myself I can meditate, workout, journal, listen to music, or numerous other healthier outlets instead, I know none of them will actually provide me with what I’m seeking.
It’s also very hard for me to put to one side the belief that I will never be good enough, no matter how I improve in future, because of what I’ve done in my past. If what I’m doing is essentially trying to elevate myself from pond scum to human garbage, it’s difficult to invest that change with meaning.
But trying to make small daily improvements is of course a sensible approach, if you can keep your mind fixed on that.