last night, ugh. I’ve been trying to lower my dose accross the board, particularly with sleep trying to get to sleep with the least physically possible. Specifically this is because of my distaste for the limitations of lithium, but all of my sleep meds cause problems in my waking life.
and with two setbacks in a week…. it’s time to admit my approach isn’t working. I was also trying tapering down my day meds, since it’s a huge interconnected mess, and I’d like to be free entirely. Turns out that 11 years of medicating isn’t that easy to reverse. The last time I did it, at 17, I had a change in lifestyle around the same time and I had much better physical resources. Now, at 35, it’s hard, really really hard.
It started with me taking my minimum dose, pre established because I’ve been at it almost a week now. but after laying in bed for half an hour, I decided I needed more…. and still not reaching full dose I managed to get to sleep. Four hours later, I’m awake and anxious. It was right there I came to the conclusion I needed to eliminate one drug at a time. It’ll stretch the process out over more time, but to me it seems like it has a higher likelihood of success.
as to what set this all off, two things; first off I had to go back to the doctor as I do every 3 months now, and the doctor expressed concern about my blood pressure and lithium/hormonal levels in the blood. This indicated to me it was not a healthy situation. Second, I was talking about my whole thing with lithium on here and Eternaldarkness brought up a point I’ve had brought up before, that I’m poisoning myself and not in the fun way (the not in the fun way is my embelishment)
Overall I just don’t feel real anymore. I’m so high on a daily basis that things that should bother me don’t. Add to that for the last three months I slept more than I was awake, at the time I liked it, but it has been brought to my attention that can cause lasting damage as well. I feel like a fraud claiming stability when it’s just a group of chemicals keeping me so low on energy I can’t manage a breakdown.
Also, I was only on the meds for the sake of my career, which I consider either nearly or totally dead. I can regulate minus work stress, or so I tell myself…. again I haven’t done it since 2012, and at least 6 months of my so called sobriety was high out of my mind on street drugs, so not much better.
It’s like what ex addicts do; remove triggers, stress, and find a functional level. That might not be as materially or emotionally rewarding, but it’s having more control over my life. Seeing other people further on in the progression of this madness has been a major factor in not wanting to go there myself.
7 comments
Just curious- what are all the meds you’re on? the names of them.
let me see, next in intensity is Seroqual, a mood stabilizer that previously wasn’t so good, but in the current mix it’s decent for sleep
Prozac, I’ve been on that the longest, it’s a first gen SSRI which are the ones I’ve had the most luck with. I had a good tricyclic a few years ago until my tolerance built up, and I’ve never had any luck with the newest generation of anti depressants
buspirone for anxiety, it’s a non narcotic so it doesn’t do that much
clonodine for anxiety and sleep, which is actually more of a blood pressure medication, but it works pretty well for sleep
last and not least (especially in the eyes of my insurance) atomoxetine, name brand strattera for adhd symptoms like memory and focus….. I’ve honestly been on it so long I can’t really compare to what it is like without it. It’s lowest on the totem pole because it has no significant side effects, and no counterindications.
but lithium, like you said that’s priority, most side effects, most counter indications. The last straw was actually pain medicine, apparently I’m not supposed to have advil while on lithium. Given how common and cheap advil is, I really can’t afford to cut it out of my life. can’t drink, no THC, most over the counter medications aren’t allowed.
it’s also the one other people comment on most. Tapering off (which I started on Monday), I’ve had more energy. I’m not entirely oversleeping right now, past few bad nights I just woke up in the night and therefor slept in to compensate
I’m averaging eight and a half hours, which is enough most of the time. I’d like to get down to seven hours on occasion
Oh I’m also cutting caffeine later in the day, after noon is the goal but so far after 2:30 PM is what I can manage.
well, at least you got the order down. Lithium is the worst, then Seroquel, which I’ve had the misfortune of being on (idiot drs love that shit but it’s basically horse tranquilizer).
oh btw, Seroquel has severe side effects, and can affect the heart. I, sadly, can attest to that shit. So get ur ass off Lithium and Seroquel, and the rest you can chuck down the line.
you should taper off lithium first since that’s the worst one.
so…you’re oversleeping now?
Man that’s quite a cocktail you’ve got sloshing around your system. Don’t light a match. I’m sure you were in bad shape to need it, but I tend to agree it’s best to start shaking free of the stuff.
I think especially in your case that stuff is stifling your true self. I remember you posting a while back about ambition vs. complacency… I think your needle falls on the ambition side of the dial, but the drugs are beating it back down. And any time you have drugs fighting your true nature ya got serious problems down the road.
“I feel like a fraud claiming stability when it’s just a group of chemicals keeping me so low on energy I can’t manage a breakdown”
Maybe a breakdown is what you need? A good cleansing storm to reset your brain so you can start anew? idk it sucks either way, Maybe by incrementally quitting your meds you can avoid a sudden snap and instead feel your way down, steering clear of the breakdown zone.