I’ve always known these are the TWO things I NEED to get out of my depression and shit life. These are the 2 reasons why I am stuck depressed, not doing anything, feeling weak, helpless and hopeless.
IDK HOW @thebends found his/her self-confidence back, or what his purpose is, but that is the KEY to ME getting out of this as well.
How do I get my Confidence back?? No amount of self-help book is gonna cut it. I need to know what ACTUALLY works.
Our mindset is a helluva thing. If we THINK/KNOW we can accomplish things, and if we have a strong purpose, we can move mountains. I did. I achieved so much during my youth/teens/early 20s, bc I had SUCH a fucking DETERMINATION. I wanted to succeed so badly, to get out of poverty so badly. To have a great job at a prestigious place. And I had done it.
Fuck, you wanna know what? I even make it through the military boot camp and I was a scrawnly weakling, was 94 measly lbs, and I made it, bc while the WHOLE world doubted me, *I* had NO doubt I was going to make it. Like the thought of failure didn’t even occur to me. Just like when I went up to the helicopter, the thought that I might be scared didn’t even occur to me (I had NO fear back when I was young and healthy, despite being tiny and scrawny). I only made it BC I had ZERO doubt. I KNEW I was capable. I KNEW I was going to make it. And even after I broke my hip, I still kept at it and pulled it off, bc I had that confidence that I was going to make it. I ‘KNEW’ I was going to make it. No amount of blood, sweat, or broken bones was going to stop me.
How do we get our self-confidence back? I lost it when some gaslit me and purposely whittled my confidence and have never been able to get it back since. He also convinced me to quit my job and I lost the only stable thing in my life, lost the only thing I had “achieved” (after I quit, I didn’t feel like I had anything anymore). It was all about power and control. And I stupidly had lowered my guard and he got to me. No it wasn’t a bf. But an evil guy nonetheless. He wanted to control my life, and how do you control someone? You slowly chip away at their confidence. And that is exactly what he did.
Also- PURPOSE- my original purpose was to be a success- have a great career, get out of poverty. When I started working, I realized everything we were taught about jobs, careers, companies, was all a big fat lie. Jobs these days are just doing what we’re told to fatten the wallets of the companies. That’s it. They exploit you, extract everything they can from you, then toss you when you are no longer useful to them.
IDK what my purpose is now. No, I can’t just MAKE UP a purpose- it doesn’t work that way. Lots of people told me to make up a purpose, but you can’t do that. It has to come from deep within, you have to WANT something SO BAD that you’re willing to break your bones or get injured for it. Which is what I did/had. THAT is purpose. Everything else is made up goals that you tell yourself to go after, but it isn’t a DEEP desire from your heart.
I mean yes, we all desire wealth and success. But those things are what your “mind” wants. IDK how to explain it. When I had my goals, I set out to achieve them, and I wanted it so badly, and that is why I climbed out of poverty, skipped grades in school, went to uni, went to military, had an “envious” “prestigious” job on paper. But I was dying inside at said prestigious job. That was when all my drive fell apart. Bc my purpose was no longer to have a successful meaningful career bc the illusion of jobs/career/work has been shattered.
TLDR- HOW do I get back my Self-Confidence and Find My Purpose?
I need those 2 things in order to get back to the old me, the person who had such will, such determination, such drive, such confidence. I felt invincible back then. Felt so capable. Felt no fear. I did anything and everything to accomplish my goals- and I did them- ALL. I was mega productive. I did 2x as much as anyone else. Other ppl had 1 major, I had to do a major and a minor. And I worked 3 PT jobs and was in the military while at Uni. If other ppl had 4 courses a semester, I did SIX. That was an insane schedule I had. But I did it bc I WANTED to. I felt invincible. Incapable of failing. Like the thought of failing was never a thought in my head. It literally did not exist.
And now all I feel are self-doubt, fear, worry, depression, failure, etc.
I’m not expatting yet bc I am afraid of being all alone in a foreign country, not knowing the language, not having ANY help. I don’t have the confidence. All I feel is fear, doubt, and failure. And honestly, the track record the last 15 years is not good. Every year I am, and feel, less and less capable.
After Uni, I moved all over the country, not knowing anyone, and sometimes didn’t have a job lined up. But I left anyway. Other people were apprehensive, but I was not. I didn’t have ANY doubt about being able to relocate anywhere. But also back then I had my health. I don’t have my health now so now I’m a scaredy-cat about everything, bc everything is more difficult with health issues. And I worry about taking a hit if I move yet again, bc every time I move to a bad place, my health suffers.
How do I have the self-confidence again? The fearless, the surety, the lack of doubt. When I was younger, going after my goals, I literally felt NO doubt. Like the thought of failing at ANY of these steps never occurred to me. I just KNEW I was going to do this this and that and accomplish it. And I did.
WTF is wrong with me now? I am a puddle of an emotional wreck now. I lack confidence, I lack any will, determination or purpose, I lack health. I have so many health issues keeping me back. I am dealing with so many chronic issues, things that I have to maintain on a DAILY fucking basis.
Confidence and the feeling of Surety that we can achieve whatever it is we set out to do is a helluva mind drug. I need it back. I think all of us need it. That is the ONLY way to get out of depression.
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That’s the Tao of life.
It’s difficult to let go of past, and bloody difficult to let go of a golden past. Been there, done that. I had two years of golden self and spent next 5-6 years desperately trying to get it back. The higher the rise, the lower the fall. We are constantly comparing present condition and feelings with those of past. Burning to bring past self back. Past self is not gone, never gone, only hidden. It may come back in new form when the time is right.
Trying does help. It won’t come back on its own. But strange thing about trying I noticed is that it’s not the try that succeeds. All my tries failed. Failed miserably. I would say trying acts like catalyst in the flow of time. What was to come in 10 years may come in 2 years.
Anyway, I am just speaking about my experience. It may not apply to you. I don’t know how things are with others, I just know how how they are with me, and try to relate.
Holy shit you’re ex mil? That’s something else we have in common… well no I never enlisted, but I worked very closely with miltary types and went thru a lot of their physical training. That shit’s no joke.
Anyway right there I’d say that’s a potential starting point. I know you have a lot of physical disabilities after your wreck, but is there any way you can get back to some of that hardcore training? Because that right there is instant confidence.
Honestly that’s what kept me afloat thru the worst depression, ‘punishing’ myself with exercise… I’m talking like “You’re not allowed to eat today unless you do 100 push ups” that kind of shit. Y’know, boot camp.
Anyway, I asked you more about your purpose in the other thread, but here I just wanted to focus on the physical aspect of confidence. You already have the base discipline & strength programmed into your head. Is there any way you can start to FORCE your body to come up to speed?
Also in the case of physical strength & confidence, I think it helps to make yourself look hot af. Strength, confidence & self image are all connected… I think that’s why gyms are great because you’re on parade and usually looking your best. Remember what Fernando Llamas said “it’s better to look good than to feel good”
i can’t go to a gym until i move out of this fucking shithole i’m in.
1- it’s too fucking humid to even walk outside here and
2- everything is expensive af $$$
3- i did look into gyms and the closest one is over a mile away, like ~25min one way walking distance. To a normal person (and to me BEFORE i got sick and injured) is no big deal, but that’s too far for me to go now.
4- i don’t want to settle down here bc i fucking HATE it here
5- I absolutely need to leave but that is where the inaction and lack of confidence comes in. I don’t have any option other than leaving the country but it’s bloody hard to do it on my own. It’s one thing if I even knew a friend on the other side, but I don’t know anyone (other than an enemy and that’s another issue in of itself, bc once i get there, the b.tch will talk shit about me and ruin what chances i have at making friends at the new place i want to get to).
Therein lies the problem- the problem is that I was MORE than just the avg person before, I was MORE than capable. And to fall from that to where I am now- barely able to do my laundry or get out the house and buy food, that is the real shame and depression.
the funny thing is, if i had been just average before and didn’t accomplish much, i wouldn’t be as upset and depressed. it’s BC i know i could and should have accomplished more and done more, that is the crux of my depression and angst.
no, there is no “forcing” it. my foot is fucked, as well as my spine and a bunch of other things. there’s a long story there as to my angst- and no it wasn’t fucking destroyed BC of the car accident- most of my body was destroyed by DOCTORS while I was trying to get help after the car accident.
anyhow, i can technically walk, but it hurts my feet (and other parts) so i just don’t do it and don’t like to do it. and in my head i feel like shit bc i feel like i’m lazy when i was never like this before i had issues walking.