step forward, step back

Last 24 hours has been a bit, much, really last 48 but up until 24 hours ago I thought I had it under control.

Where to start? Where to start?

I’m trying to taper back on my meds, feeling that desire for sobriety again….. and I was making progress first couple days at it….. then last night…. last night

I’m giving it lots of build up, it should be a little thing. A friend of mine is chronically spiralling, and the rest of the friend group kind of expects me to fix it…. but he won’t go to the doctor, and therapist is so far a lot of work/not happening. Emotionally I’m strong enough for something like this to happen in my periphery, but my wife isn’t. She’s got herself all tied up in knots because she’s legit worried about the guy…. and my emotional stability kind needs her to be relatively stable…. so there goes that.

Metaphor, that’s easier to cover it; I have the computer sort of working. At times, it’ll see all the devices and give access to them. Then earlier today, for no reason I can understand, it just started glitching. It would make the noise for “usb device disconnected”…. then a few seconds later the reconnected sound. Over and over, for an hour. I disconnected EVERYTHING non essential, it kept doing it. Finally I started troubleshooting and I made some progress, got some silence, then it f-ing does it again….

so fine, my whole day has ground to a halt because of this sh-t, and I reboot…. and now instead of doing what it was doing, it won’t give me access to all my lighting zones

and it’s just…. this is my life. I work hard, try to be clever and flexible, and it’s still never enough. So I push my emotions down, try to get myself to be okay with the state of things… and I don’t feel a damn thing. It’s just… being, not wanting anything, no ambition, no energy to go after any advancement… just this feeling of futility, of trying and failing

and this is despite the rational notion that maybe I’m making progress….. it doesn’t feel like it, but since when were my emotions an accurate read on anything?!

edit; forgot entirely the chemical issue I’m having. My kettle broke, and I do pour over coffee, so now I’m waiting for a new one to get here. Americans don’t appreciate kettles, turns out, you have to order one online. and it said it would be delivered today. It’s almost two in the afternoon and they haven’t gotten it out for delivery

so I doubt it, and I suspect I’ll have to make do without again in the morning…. which is unexpected, unwanted and undeserved stress.