wrong feelings

I’ve been marinating on this for a week, because of pushback I’ve gotten here, and elsewhere. Yet again, my feelings and attitudes are offensive to those I profess to care about. There’s something in it that’s just being counter cultural, when the world appears to me optimistic, I can’t trust it, I become pessimistic…. but the reverse holds as well, when the world feels doomed, I feel pretty good about where my life is going.

It’s not being out of touch, because it happens in fact in reaction to my perception. Part of it is social, when the world is going to heck plenty of people need me to be stable, and I drift more towards the caretaker role…. meanwhile, because I can remember the reverse of this; when the world is calm, it’s safe to confront my chaotic feelings.

and I don’t want to appear certain that the past will predict the future…. because human perception is built to find patterns, it’s behind every perception failure in history. So maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m at peace because it’s where I want to be right now.

But when chaos comes up, though I engage with it, I don’t let it pull me down when I’m like this. There’s a sort of zen calm, and it would be great if that was the new pattern of my life, I’m skeptical.

I think I tend to drift towards the underserved position, five years ago I was internally really frightened, because almost no one was aware of horrible things I saw happening. People were happy and stupid regarding the threats of the world….. and a part of me hates that I don’t know how to embrace that.

Since the pandemic, people are scared, actually on average more than is realistic to my view. Because there are threats, sure, but I’ve spent most of my life within the culture of outcasts, we’ve always been under threat. We live it, we don’t let it ruin our lives. I think this is why Native American philosophy appeals to me, that patience, and making the best of it.

and now I see the majority of people, finally catching on that the world as it is isn’t for people, it is anti human… and it feels good to me, because the biological purpose of pain is to adress illness….. and suddenly, delayed reaction, people are feeling the pain that I’ve lived with the majority of my life.

so my feelings are wrong, almost always, compared with how the surrounding culture is feeling. It’s my function…. the only thing I’m good at is being a direct affront to the common sensibility.