Then, after months of going on my own, I went back to the therapist, and then the doctor, in two days….
I’ve successfully shaken off lithium. The taper that worked was x/1/x/2/x/3/x/4/x, with x representing a normal dose, the numbers representing the days without…. and it was hard, brutal, and I probably wouldn’t have made it if a couple times family was pushing me and I said; “It’s either the taper or what you are asking, is what you are asking more important than me getting off lithium?” The answer was always the taper, to the credit of my friends and family.
even as slow as my progress is, there’s a kind of mania from success, and I’m coping with that. because I’ve been muting my emotions, and now they’re coming back….. I feel so much empathy for people coming off hard street drugs…. because in some ways that has to suck more as no one is like “yeah, take your time”…. on the other hand everyone is willing to admit those street drugs are probably something your life would be better without. the social acceptability of prescription medication is a two edged sword.
My only psychotic break was coming off some particularly terrible medications. That, was terrifying…. and I probably wouldn’t have had to be as sedated as I’ve been if it weren’t for that setback. The recovery can screw you up more than the original trauma, turns out.
but I’m proud of the headspace I’m in. It’s my life, and I’ve made the priority being the least burden on those I care about.
and that brings me to the Nuremburg part. For those who don’t know the Nuremburg trials were the largest trial of top Nazis after victory in Europe, and the Nuremburg defence was the position held by those on trial that as they were performing as instructed…. “We were only obeying orders”….. and I think people today miss how groundbreaking refuting that defence was.
first off, if you’re still with me, good for you, get yourself an ice cream, you’ve earned it.
you’d think with my legal nerdlery I would be a good lawyer, but I don’t have the emotional endurance for it…. plus I’ve promised myself not to become a workaholic…. and most lawyers ARE.
anyway, there was a civil liberties issue with charging the Nazis with new crimes that were not on the books when the crimes were committed. It was technically illegal and an entirely new direction for the law, admitting that acts are not justified simply because the law had not predicted them being broken.
I feel like though, I’ve leaned on the defence that I’m following instructions for a lot of my mistakes…. and it’s a major part of when I experience self loathing… because like some during the Holocaust, I knew better. Most of them knew better, they just thought given the past lack of prosecution of war crimes they’d be fine.
but you end up paying for being immoral, whether it is under orders or your own initiative, and part of the modern expectations is that people stand against cruelty and injustice.
so subjective morality IS a good argument, but only if you can defend your moralistic reasoning. It’s moral not to work, even in a society that associates morality with working….. society can be wrong. Because I’m not lazy, I work hard when I can, but I _HAVE_ TO_ be paid for that work, and I have to feel okay about who I am afterwards.
I understand others don’t experience such morality… or limitations. I’m not in charge of those people’s souls, only my own.