I used this site years ago. Then my life changed, and I didn’t need to anymore. Or so I thought. If only trauma were that easy to recover from.
Today I feel like it might even be impossible for me to fully and permanently recover from. I will always be this broken. I will always be on the outside looking in. I will always be waiting for someone else to decide when — or if — my life gets to begin.
Every day like this breaks me a little further. Keeps me that little bit more removed from the possibility of healing.
6 comments
I’m sorry that you feel broken. I’m sorry you feel powerless to make things better. I hope you find the strength to turn things around, despite it all. I’d also like to say that coming back here doesn’t make you weak. You are among people who have some idea of what you are going through. I hope things start getting better for you.
Thank you. It’s not really lack of strength that makes things unable to turn around for me. I am strong. I’m just tired of having to be. Tired of having to carry everything alone. I feel like coming back here is a sign of failure because 1. it means I’m back in the mental darkness where I’m bloody sick of being, and 2. most importantly, it means I have nobody in my life that I feel safe sharing these things with, so I have to come here to dump it anonymously. But at least there are supportive and kind people here, and at least I won’t chase off my friends by telling them these dark feelings. Thank you for being one of those kind people.
It seems I am also in the same place as you are. I got into a relationship after 25 long years of hell with ex-wife and my present relationship is a disaster and Im headed for another broken heart and my life laid waste. My depression is at an all time high now. This person im with is just as screwed up if not more than I am or my ex. She has thrown our lives into chaos and wonders whats wrong. Its like history just repeats itself for me. I really wish I would have ended my life like I wanted 3 years ago. Shit has only got worse for me now.
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope things improve for you.
Sorry you’re back. What changed that made your life better? What has happened that brought you back here?
Thanks. I had been homeless and sheltering at my abusive mother’s house in the middle of nowhere. Then, a little over 2 years ago, I was able to get an apartment in a nearby city. I found some friends who were like me (queer and autistic), when previously I had never had friends. I was also told I was going to start getting the support services I had been fighting 3 years for. But then depression hit last fall, and I started losing some friends. Some of the ones who have gone were toxic, and I know it’s for the best, but they were also ones that were available to hang out more, so now I’m alone a lot. And the support services have finally started trickling in but they’re not really what I was led to believe they would be. I just feel like I exhaust myself trying to squeeze a little joy out of this life, and when I finally get it, it vanishes so quickly. I came back here because letting my friends see the mental health struggles pushed too many of them away, and I need a safe(ish) place to vent about all the heavy stuff without scaring off people in my life.