I am drunk. Again. I think from now on I will post while drunk. It’s the best way to empty out my head. I guess. What to talk about. I’m thinking what to write down now. Of course I’m thinking about her. I always think about her. I wish I didn’t. She’s gone. Why bother thinking about her. Yet I still do. Drunk or not. I’m tired thinking about her. When will I get over this? You know who I really want to think about? Mark. He deserves to be talked about. Mark was my good friend. I cared about him. Alot. One day out of the blue he stopped talking to me. He’s a transgender man, so I’m afraid to think about what happened to him. I’d like to think he simply forgot about me. The alternative is not good. I don’t know. He’s a good man. I just hope he is ok. School starts next week. I’m scared. I don’t think it has fully registered, by I’m scared. IDK. I have a lot on my mind, but I can’t figure a way out to communicate it. I have a lot of fantasies. About beeing in high school and being cool. That is sad and pathetic. A 24 year old man fantasizing about being cool in high school. Impressing people he has not seen in 6+ years. God it is so pathetic. Beyond pathetic. Whatever. I’m sad and pathetic. That’s how it is. God I hope I die in my sleep. Things would be so damn easy if I died in my sleep. I’ll never be anything. I’m a nobody. Plain and simple. You know one thing I wished happened? I wish she told me she never gave a shit about me. Just be straight forward. Her just stop talking to me raises so many questions. It would be easier if she told me she never cared about me and to never contact her again. I don’t know. I’m just drunk and tired. I remember I told myself that I would blow my own brains out once I reached 25 and I never achieved anything. Well, I hope I got the guts to make good on that promise. Oh well.
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5 comments
I’m sorry for the silence, I know how that feels… why people simply cant be direct, I don’t know. It stings a lot, for sure. I hope she’ll either say something for once, or that you’ll be able to get over her and stop thinking of her so much.
As for your friend, I certainly hope he’s alright and nothing bad happened to him, the worries and questions are certainly valid and ome can only hope for the best. It’s always a sore loss when you lose the good ones.
Personally I kinda get the fantasies, I do the same thing… I only just got out, but even beforehand I would and probably will for awhile longer, because I have more make believe friends than real ones, haha.
I hope school goes okay for ya and it’s not too stressful in the long run. I’ll be going in a few months and its daunting enough. I don’t have anything of value to say other than that, lack of experience there.
I dont think you’re a nobody. I dont think you need to blow your brains out at 25, I think its difficult now to become successful so young (depending on your meaning, I guess). Give yourself a chance. You deserve it, surely.
Thanks. Honestly a small part of me is happy I’m a nobody. It’s my username for online games and discord and stuff. It just has a nice ring to it and I feel it suits me.
As far as killing myself at 25, it’s just something I always tell myself. Don’t know if I’ll do it or not. First step would be to get a gun and I don’t think I can get one anyways on account of my Bipolar.
Also that was a good reply. I know you said you don’t really know how to respond to others on here, but I thought you did a good job with this one.
I get that. Being a somebody has pressure, but being a nobody can get kinda lonely sometimes, at least for me. I think we just need balance – a some-nobody, I suppose.
That’s fair, the extra steps might take you out of the mindset due to inconvenience alone. I wish you well whichever route you take, hope you can find happiness and like yourself a bit in this life tho
And thank you btw
I don’t know what happened between you and this girl, but I can defintly relate. I wanted to get that person out my head too, but they never left. Had to keep myself busy and had to get out more and do other stuff. I’m not much of a social person, but getting out the house sometimes can help. Though the beginning is never easy. It’s the hardest part of all. I could of drank everyday to numb the pain I felt everyday, but I didn’t. I know what it feels like not to live and wanting to cease from existing. I still feel that same way, but here I am. When ur ready, you’ll have to move on to another woman when the time is right. Someone that will like you for you and someone that will truly cherish you. You’re still young. Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. Life is a huge shit storm at times Nd we have to get through. Not all of us are fortunate though. We let the depression win and our life is lost. There’s still people I think about time after time I wish we’d talk but I know it’s all over. Just have to keep busy and see what life throws at me. If I decide to lose and give in to the depression, well that’s my choice. That will be your choice too. Best of luck to you.
Alcohol is good for having a decent ugly cry, so is THC though. eh, but as long as you aren’t running away from your feelings, it’ll process. It’s okay to be screwed up over a major loss, even expected.
getting drunk just….. sucks to me. I’ve done it a few times, and at this point in my life I wonder if I ever will again. There are more potent drugs to do the same things…. with far less side effects.