I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been made a prisoner of my own brain by something that has ingrained itself deeper than I can tear it out and I cannot stand it anymore! I have barely been able to move besides when absolutely necessary for months because of something that, as people keep telling me and telling me, it’s all in my head! The thought’s, apparently, aren’t real! Not that I didn’t already know that from the onset of this. Ugh.
Something my brain (the parts of my brain are seem to not fit entirely well together anymore; it feels as though there are more than one voice or mask or type of speaking and thinking inside my skull) is certain of is that it will be over soon and the screeching of my thoughts will stop because they have to.
I have been scraped bone dry. There’s very little anything to me anymore. I don’t remember who I’m supposed to be after all of this. I don’t feel a ton, really. I’m just done. And more of me is scraped away daily.
And at the same time my condition continue to get worse. My brain becomes more and more inhospitable.
And then there’s that I’ve had things I do not want to lose to tether me for the past several months and now and I do not! I don’t. I don’t talk to anyone about anything that’s real. I don’t do or think or feel anything. a few people will be hurt when I die but my emotional connection to basically everything has been severed besides like, one friend, who I cannot talk to anymore because of my condition.
I’m going to work up the nerve to kill myself, clean my face up, video call with one or two friends one more time and then… and then. You know. I want to so bad. maybe i can if i believe i can. i really hope i can.
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2 comments
Mental illness can take away every little piece of you, until you can’t even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore. I’m sorry it’s pushed you to this point, its one of the worst feelings to struggle with. If you want to vent or talk about it, I’m here for you. Everyone’s situation is different but I understand how it feels to reach a point where suicide is the only option. I’m wishing the best for you <3
it’s not even that it feels like suicides the only option? More that I can’t go on like this in a hells of impartial sort of way.
Again, ‘I’ kind of don’t *anything*, you know? It’s like… You know how in On The Beach, they keep on acting like the world won’t end, like the protagonist will see his wife again, like there will be a future at all because they don’t know how not to? It’s like that!
My brain spends most of its time in that sort of mode, but when I reflect on what I really think or feel it’s about nothing. Scraped dry. There’s maybe the odd ozymandian derelict or two in the braincase (I still loathe being mean. I know that much. That’s why I need to video call my friends again.) but that’s whatevers, you know?
Still, I really actually appreciate that someone’s just saying they get it? I don’t know if you do (fuck, that sounds rude, sorry) but you seem to more than a lot of people and that’s? Something novel at least?
I’m going to go back to distracting myself and listening to the two coincidentally flower themed songs (vlush’s you smell of dead flowers and eel valley’s flowers on the ruins album) that make the part of me that still (fakely!) seems to care cry. But thanks.