I hate myself. Why do I try to do anything ever. I always fail, if not that way then in another. I’m not enough for anyone. My “friends” that I made in the fucking mental hospital abandoned me. And I know people always say “don’t be friends with people from the hospital, outside of the hospital” but I don’t care. This was different. I love them with my whole heart, and they threw me away like I was nothing. Like I am nothing. And I hate hate hate them for it. Is that fair of me? I don’t fucking care anymore. They left me behind and they don’t even care. Am I that disgusting that even people like me don’t want me? I’m so angry. There is a bubbling rage that never ever leaves me. It gets so bad my whole body tightens and I have to imagine killing myself to calm down. That’s kind’ve funny isn’t it. Some people calm down to listening to the sounds of rain water. I, and I’m sure many of you, calm down to the thought of how we will end it all. What will it feel like to know it’s over. Is it one second your there and the next your gone? I don’t really care about the knowing. Just waiting for it to be over. And it will be soon. School just started and all my teachers are like “what do you want to be in the future” I don’t fucking care. I’ll be dead, but I can’t write that. So I write what I wanted to be before all this. “I want to be an ER nurse so I can help people” stupid stupid stupid “dream” I don’t even want that anymore. When people ask me what my hobbies are or what I like to do. The answer is self harm. Immediately. No other thought comes to mind. But I can’t say that either. I just wish I could shout at people sometimes. “I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I CUT. I PLAN HOW I WILL DIE, AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.” I’m so so so angry all the time. I’m so done. I just want to be gone. i just want to be gone…
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3 comments
i remember feeling this way in my teen years. many those days are happy memories cuz i actually FELT something.
i would love to say it gets better but i am not sure if having no feelings is better. like not caring. not getting mad or sad really. just here. i think that is what happens with depressed folks who want to commit suicide that live a long time. we just don’t really feel things. the anger. the sadness. the crying bouts. the yelling and breaking things. all gone.
so not sure if that is better or not. but i used to be like you and now i am like this.
That is probably the realest thing anyone has ever said about “after this passes.” This won’t get better. It never will, and I’m tired of saying “This” because it isn’t a “this” it’s a me. I am “this” and “this” is me. If that makes sense. I really appreciate your honesty, I feel like that is what I really get from this platform. I feel heard, even when it’s in written responses, so thank you.
I hope you find something that sparks some happiness, or even any emotion “good” or “bad”. Just for a second. You deserve to be reminded what it is like to feel. (hopefully a happier emotion)
you as well.