I’m here again because I have nowhere else to be.
These past couple years, my life has really gone downhill. I don’t know why. I keep trying to fix things and make my life better, but it feels like every single choice I make is the wrong one. It only gets worse. Everytime I think that it’s the worst life can get, things get worse. And worse. And it never stops.
I tried making friends, I tried eating healthier, I tried exercising and being outside more, I tried alcohol, I tried drugs, I tried therapy. It doesn’t work. It’s just not working and I feel so fucking bad all of the time.
During this past year, to the fault of no one else but me, I have lost my will to live. I switch between anxiety that wakes me up in the middle of the night and takes away my hunger and keeps my heart pounding in my chest, or depression that carves this hole in my chest and bleeds me dry of any happiness or peace. That’s all I have. When I’m not either of those things, I am angry. I get irritated at everything for no reason. It doesn’t matter
Nothing matters anymore.
I applied to so many jobs because I wanted to make my life better after I fucked up applying for school. In one week, I bombed the interviews I managed to get. And I know, maybe I should give it more time, but it feels like I only give this time and that makes it worse. I’m such a fucking failure.
I failed as a daughter, a sister and a wife. I feel like this shitty person. I’m not getting better. I don’t think this was ever going to get better.
Eleven years.
That’s how long I’ve wanted to die. That’s how long depression has followed me.
I really did try, okay? I really did. I have been fighting this darkness for so long, I can’t even remember what being happy would look like for me. I don’t know what my life would be like.
There’s no future for me. It’s better like this, even if you don’t agree. I won’t hurt any of you any longer. I wish I wasn’t such a disappointment. I wish I did things differently.
But I didn’t. And at the end of the day, I’m still here.
I can’t bring myself to do anything most days. When I try to get something done, it goes wrong. Maybe I’m being extra negative, but you try waking up at three in the morning because your anxiety is too bad to sleep. You try being so stressed and anxious for no reason you can’t eat without puking. You try messing up every task that day, people pulling you aside to correct you, you try watching doors close to opportunities that would make your life better because you’re not enough. You try always making the wrong decisions, believing and hoping they’re the right ones. You try being so fucking emotionally and physically exhausted, the moment you sit down you start to cry because there’s nothing left for you to do.
You try, okay? You fucking do it for eleven years. See if you don’t try and kill youself too.
All of the therapy, all of the medications and meditations and hope boxes and safety plans all crumbling to dust and nothing. When suddenly the talks switch from getting better to management, to just trying to manage a baseline on your suicidal thoughts. Knowing that this will follow you forever, all you can do is apply coping skills and push this off until the next moment, until you finally get the balls to finish the job.
I never regretted trying to kill myself. I only ever regretted waking up.
Maybe you can understand now.
I’m so mad. I’m so angry and I can’t stop. Everyone said, for fucking years, that it would get better.
Just hold on, it will get better! Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I’m sure you’ve all heard these phrases.
Well, it didn’t. Not for me. It’s only ever gotten worse. Why the fuck am I still here? I’m sorry for being negative, but we all die anyway, so why am I supposed to hold on? Especially when everything is getting worse, my depression is chronic, and nothing is helping? How long, exactly, was it supposed to take for this to pass?
Is eleven years out of your timeframe? Oh, sorry. Yeah, I can’t believe I’m still alive either, and its not for lack of trying!
I’m so tired, you know? I really, really wanted this to go away. I feel like I’m staring death right in the face, and I’m still trying to haul my ass out of this hole, but its only pulling me in deeper.
I just needed to get this off my chest. And maybe someone out there understands? Because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one, and people look at me like I’m insane. I just need someone who understands, who gets it.
Please.
7 comments
Hi there.
I won’t say I relate to everything you’d been through but I can understand some of the things you’re talking about.
The rage.
The sheer irritation at everything, feeling like nothing you do makes any difference, seeing no improvements.
The indifference and sadness and feeling like giving up constantly, I can relate to all of those feelings.
I vent here because I feel it’s all I can do sometimes.
You’re def not alone in your feelings here. There are people here who feel similar things to you in varying ways and degrees.
All I can do is reply here and just hope for the best for you. I’d like nothing more than for you to figure out something that works for you.
Thank you, I wish I could figure out something that works, and I sincerely hope you’re able to as well. It’s such a helpless, awful feeling. I’m wishing you the best, from one depressed person to another <3
YES girl, I TOTALLY get you. I feel the same way. I either feel rage or depression, or both at the same time. I am frustrated that I can’t make life work out for me, so that turns into depression. But also rage bc of the conditions that I’ve been put in/had to deal with/shit thrown at me by the universe. Yes, like you I had TRIED so fucking hard for all of my life (minus the last bunch of years bc I’ve been sick af) and yeah, no matter WHAT I do, everything always turns to shit and it feels like I’m cursed by the universe.
I totally understand your anger, rage, frustration, depression, hopelessness, girl. I totally do.
And oh yes, I have succumbed to ACTUAL screaming sometimes, when you don’t know what you can do but SCREAM out of utter frustration
Same!!! Sometimes I just go on a drive so I can scream and try and get it out, ya know? And you’d think something would eventually work, right? Like if I’m trying all of things, one of them has to stick, but it never does. And then, what’s the point in even trying? All of these people around you saying ‘it gets better!’ but it doesn’t. It doesn’t get better for everyone, sometimes it just gets worse, and no one ever wants to admit that. They always treat it as negative talk, and yeah, it could be, but sometimes it’s not. And how am I supposed to not want to kill myself even more after hearing this is chronic and the best it’ll ever get? It makes me so mad and frustrated and hopeless.
OMG I just want to smack those ‘it gets better!’ ppl. Like, ok, it gets better for SOME people and it never gets better for others. Like how can they possibly know? Unless they can actually see the future and is a sorceress, NO ONE should say ‘it gets better!’ bc NO ONE knows if it does.
The ‘it gets better!’ crowd say shit that as a way to dismiss others ppl’s pains and struggles. Like NOTHING magically ‘gets better!’ without some kind of ACTUAL help, which no one is willing to give.
EXACTLY!!!! I hate it so much. I had someone tell me to just find what makes me happy, like that was supposed to solve anything? And supposedly, they went through depression. Not trying to invalidate their experience, but that definitely did not help me. I don’t think that would help too many people diagnosed with it? It’s a medical condition, not something meditation or ‘finding your happiness’ will magically fix. They meant well, but it made me so irritated I swear