i’m jealous

I’m jealous. I’m jealous of everyone and everything. I am jealous of my fucking friends, I’m jealous of people who aren’t my friends.

I’m jealous of everyone who has other people to talk to and everyone who doesn’t need one. my friends and family treat me so shitty without even knowing and here on this website, anonymous people are telling me that I can vent to them. why the fuck can’t I do that? why can’t I help someone for once and not just sit here pleading for my help even when I don’t need it and there is no one in this fucking world who can help me?

I am jealous of everyone who doesn’t wanna die, I’m jealous of everyone who is enjoying his or her life. I hate my best friend for having everything she could ask for and still being such a kind and nice person to someone as shitty as me and I hate myself even more for hating her. I am jealous of those people who have something to look forward to every day, have something that motivates them to do stuff like study when here I am without any motivation to even live let alone do other stuff.

I hate everyone and everything because I’m jealous of it and I hate it so much that it keeps killing me inside every single fucking second of my life.

but more than anything, I hate myself the most for feeling this shit.