I do not know how not to be alive. At the same time; I am not, in many ways! Emotions and thoughts and feelings and opinions and identity are all eroded like chalk cliffs in front of a roiling coastline and they are hewn to the rotting bone and they are diseased and dying and scraped away entirely. So, I’m kind of a non-person!
But I keep doing a few (very few, as I’ve mentioned I barely move, I eat rarely, I do not engage in any activities, I have not talked to my last two friends in so long) person things. I do a farce of thinking and feeling. I do not know how not to; My brain is drawn to works like On The Beach (where the protagonist, despite knowing his wife and child were in America when the bombs went off, the bombs that will kill him and everyone else still alive in just six months, still thinks as though they’re alive, still lives his daily routines, day in and day out; not out of delusion but out of simply not knowing what else he could do.)
How could I kill myself. I can’t keep doing this. It isn’t an ‘I want to die’, it’s a simple and obvious assessment that the rotting house in Ozark country is going to fall inwards one of these days. I have a means to kill myself (it would be slow and painful, but I do.) And yet I don’t because my brain simply refuses the concept of not-life even though it is driving me mad to wake up and sleep and wake up and sleep. Girlies, is becoming AM-core a slay? Is the Allied Mastercomputer mother? Discuss.
Ugh. I’m so tired. Again, I’ll die soon. Just not now.
1 comment
I think that’s natural. Most living things don’t think about why they keep expelling and consuming energy, they just do it. An ant doesn’t question why it gathers foods and digs tunnels. It just does. Humans are possibly the only exception. We question our purpose. I hope you are able to find a satisfying answer as to what your particular purpose is. That way he can justify to keep going. Hope things get better.