I’ve had three failed suicide attempts over the years, twice in my teens, once in my late twenties. Each time no one should have been there, it should have worked. Living since then with the humiliation of a reluctant survivor, I’ve always felt cheated. While life has improved on many fronts since then, and by all accounts I really should have nothing to complain about, suicidal ideation still haunts me on a regular basis. I can’t help but feeling that I need to finally see this through. I didn’t ask to be brought into this world, I reserve the right to exit.
My therapist asked what I would tell my younger self if I could go back in time. I said I would tell myself to keep trying. He asked if I meant to keep trying to live? No, not to keep trying to live, but to keep trying suicide until I was successful. He asked even knowing that everything works out in the end? I said yes, I wouldn’t want any version of myself to have to re-endure this torture chamber we call life. It’s just not worth it.
The only thing stopping me now is the fact that my parents are still alive. I don’t want to put them through the loss of a child before their time, however once they’re gone, and they’re getting close, then I can go, too. My parting words to the world will be lyrics from Pink Floyd: “Goodbye cruel world, I’m leaving you today. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.”
11 comments
1- how did you attempt each time and
2- was there any long term physical damage from your attempts?
1: carbon monoxide poisoning (car exhaust).
2: potentially, I don’t know.
“even knowing that everything works out in the end?”
->what do you mean? are you saying your life has “worked out in the end” but you still want to suicide?
Yes, my life has worked out well in the end, at least superficially (i.e. career, money, health, house, cars, etc.), but I still struggle terribly with depression, anxiety and substance abuse. I’m saying that if I went back in time to talk to my former self, that I would (still) advise myself to die (via suicide) despite having the knowledge that it all works out in the end. This cruel game we call life is just too painful to endure. In other words, the end doesn’t always justify the means.
but what is missing in your life? love? purpose? ppl who are depressed might have 9/10 “things” but are usually missing something… or they have trauma (like SA, abuse, etc).
just trying to understand how someone who “has everything” is still depressed. unless the “everything” is only the material things…
well props to you for at least having your shit together enough to have made a good career, house, cars, etc. that’s more than i can say for myself at this point.
I don’t know what’s missing. Love I suppose, loneliness is definitely a factor, but having been divorced once was enough to ruin relationships for me forever and I’ve not dated since.
There’s several instances of trauma but the root of the problem is low self-worth/esteem/confidence. I seem to be governed by fear and anxiety and no amount of medication and therapy has helped. Drugs and alcohol help for a while, until they turn on you, at which point you’re left with a life of sobriety which feels like a consolation prize – yay (not).
I wouldn’t say that I “have everything”, life is not perfect by any means, but one would think I should be happier.
I’m just tired of living and the human race disgusts me.
What is it about the human race that disgust you? (the human race disgusts me too)
(Us) humans are cruel, selfish creatures, like locusts ravaging this planet and propagating themselves with impunity. It is so clearly evident that the root of all socio-economic evil in this world is over-population and yet everyone turns a blind eye to it because they feel entitled to make more copies of themselves without consideration for the impact it has on others. To make matters worse, we celebrate the offspring’s ‘birthday’ every year just for being born – why? they did nothing special, they fell out of a birth canal so fucking what? Congratulations, you’re now raising an ego. If anything, why are we not instead celebrating the mother on this anniversary? ; after all, she did all the fucking work! … but I digress. It’s just so utterly disgusting to me what we are. I have to be careful here because a bitter rant of this nature can lead me into very morose thinking where suddenly it seems like a good idea to take out a bunch of people along with myself – don’t get me wrong, I have no interest in hurting anyone and have no plans to do so, but I can see how people get to that place – am I the only one who thinks this way?
maybe it’s due to heavy indoctrination? society tells us to get married and have kids. and if you don’t have kids, nor have the desire to, then there’s something wrong with you. i grew up as a gen x / millennial.
gen z gets it- many of them don’t want kids. but for the rest? pfft.
i personally wish governments around the world would impose a 2 child policy. would solve so many problems. you’re right. so much of our socio-economic ills are due to overpopulation. and it just gets worse and worse, more and more humans get spawned every day.
oh i think about that kind of stuff every day- not of me doing anything but of the world ending. If someone wants to vaporize the world, i’m all for it. just make it quick and make sure to not leave anyone alive.
‘reluctant survivor’
I don’t think anyone has put what I felt into words but this really resonates with me. I tried to do the deed two years ago, and it was the closest I have ever gotten to succeeding. That is exactly how I felt. Immediately, I just hated that I survived and I felt so cheated, and stuck, like I was a prisoner in my own life. And I still do.
I totally get holding on for other people. It’s such a mixed bag. Like you’re here hurting every day and its not getting better, but you stay regardless because of the pain you’d cause other people. It’s difficult. It really is.
You can have everything and still want to die. It’s a complicated feeling. I don’t think people ever really understand unless they’ve been there.