I can’t help thinking about what life would be like if I’d made different choices. Of course, in order to choose differently, I would’ve had to have been a different person, living in a different reality. But what if things were just ever so slightly different. If something else had caught my attention, just long enough to prevent me from doing something terrible. And if I’d avoided that, would I have found my way out of my depressive self-hating spiral? Would I have rediscovered my purpose in life, and re-engaged with the world? Would there be a different version of me lying here now, with a life worth living?
It’s so tantalizing to think about, whenever I get reminders of that time in my life. 16 years ago now. Barely into adulthood and already fucking things up irretrievably.
So much of life is chance, even when we’re actively in control of what’s happening. A diversion here, a distraction there, and everything can change massively.
I like to imagine that somewhere in some different part of reality is another me who made better choices, who had slightly better luck, and was able to become the person I should’ve been. Maybe some day I’ll wake up as that person and find that the last 16 years has all been a terrible nightmare.
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Ditto, I found myself foolishly either coerced into making very bad decisions or doing them on my own, that had socially bad outcomes. I even knew at the time not to go ahead with it and still I thought I’d come out ok.
This mostly happened when I was younger, but even as an adult I’ve made stupid choices, it’s just that you do it less and less as you get wiser.
I have a bit of a rage-monster inside me and while I can brush off most situations, I can also be put into some where I can just lose it on someone.
However, I’ve learned over and over, in 99% of situations, the best is to stay quiet or low-key, let the anger pass and usually if you’re chill, the outcome is best for everyone.
In some cases where there isn’t much time to think and you have to decide fast, then it’s usually better to do what you have to do.
But in my free time I’ve reflected back on some things and I’ve been so glad I never let my anger get out of control. Like sometimes my close family members do really stupid things and I feel like punching them in the face (never have I done that in my life) …and later I feel so glad that I didn’t cross that line, because you’d feel so terrible after…. say it’s your mother for instance and it’s not something you could ever undo…esp. if you are a caring person to begin with.
I’ve always wished I had some guardian angel on my shoulder telling me right from wrong, but we’re thrown into the world and have to do the best we can. I learned in time to go to family members and that’s really helped me make better choices.
And you are right, the choices we make determine our reality…it’s best to try to make the good/right choice.
Bad choices usually have bad outcomes and sometimes it can seriously put your life on the wrong path where you suffer more than you would’ve otherwise, talking from experience.
But what bothers me even more than my bad decisions is not making good decisions when I have the chance, either out of fear/shyness or just being complacent.
I’d accept the suffering from my bad choices, if only I could’ve benefitted my life by making smart/good decisions. Like if I had the courage to ask a certain girl out in my past who I knew liked me, perhaps she could’ve been my wife today and I wouldn’t be alone, wishing I had an s/o for instance.
Similarly for career…I had some good options along the way I didn’t take and should’ve, I believe my life and probably my health would’ve been much better.
exactly. woulda, shoulda, coulda. so much regret from NOT doing this or that. *ANY* of those changes could have resulted in massive changes in our lives. We would never know, except to ponder endlessly at how our indecisions or inactions have altered our lives.
i have the same issue. woulda, shoulda, coulda. if *only* i’d done this, or done that, or said this, or said that, etc
Indeed ED, unfortunately this life is a one-shot, one-way deal. You make choices, good or bad, you have to live with them…no going back, no undo button or respawn.
I think it matters more for those of us not born into ‘privilege’ where you can make a shit-ton of mistakes and mommy/daddy pull strings, get you into the right schools, leave you with wealth/trust fund.
For the rest of us, we have to be smart as F…and even that’s not enough. Without good guidance, we can end up with the wrong crowd, get in trouble and go down the wrong path.
On the positive side, I’ve found that being in Capitalist economies, we are still presented with a lot of opportunities to improve one’s life, find decent work and a partner.
Ofc none of it is easy…most of us still have to struggle really hard, but if you play your cards right you can have that good life most of us dream about (or close to it).
Then the least desirable option is still there, which is to leave “the game” completely. Ofc living in a terrible life with a situation one cannot change is the worst-case scenario and then leaving (the world) is the best choice.
Recently I had a little health scare, made me realize what if my issue is incurable? Then I felt I’d miss some of the things I really like about living. But my life isn’t too great atm and hasn’t been for a long time…so very little is keeping me here.
Fortunately, I think I’m ok for now, still have to get checked by a doctor…but it did scare me and gave me anxiety to feel my days were numbered. I’m not necessarily out of the woods…but I think I had it overblown in my mind.
Yes, a guardian angel to clearly tell you right from wrong would certainly be useful. I guess your conscience is supposed to perform that role, but I think over my teenage years I gradually learned to ignore my conscience in specific circumstances, so when it came to crossing certain lines, I didn’t even stop to think about it.
Indeed Husk. Ya you’re probably coming from a different place than many of us…since you’d done things with little thought about the consequences.
It could do with the wiring in your brain and esp. with teens their brains are still developing so they’re prone to making more mistakes.
It’s been said that sociopaths have areas that are underdeveloped in the brain that make people second-guess their decision…esp. when it comes to harming others or breaking rules of society.
Though usually such people don’t regret their actions if they hurt others. At the same time, I wouldn’t say you’re alone…the reason many teens also make stupid blunders is probably for the same reason and nothing in their heads telling them this is right, or wrong.
I don’t think I’m generally a sociopath, but I suppose in very specific circumstances my behaviour might be sociopathic. I could’ve easily never encountered those circumstances in my lifetime, in which case I think I probably would’ve been fine, and I never would’ve had to think about that side of myself.
Ya maybe not since you’re able to self-reflect, know from right/wrong if you hurt anyone.
I think to an extent many of us have that ability to turn off our humanity if needed…like if someone is trying to kill me then I just see that person as a sack of meat and nothing more and will do whatever it takes to save myself.
For instance, with Hamas attacking Israel, I have no sympathy with the terrorists or their supporters and I’m glad Israel is bombing the crap out of them.
On some level, I have sympathy for everyone, even murderers. If you grow up in what’s effectively a giant open-air prison, seeing innocents around you die, while being told endless stories of the beautiful land that used to be yours and the evil oppressors who stole it from you, you’re going to have a lot of anger in you. Though explaining something doesn’t make it ok, there’s always a reason why people are the way they are.
@Husk,
It’s not though. Israel fully left Gaza in a ‘land for peace’ deal. Instead of cultivating the land, the Palis turned it into a terrorist enclave and has been firing thousands of rockets for years, sending in terrorists to rape, murder, kidnap Israeli citizens.
It’s just recently the attack was on a much larger scale than in the past. Secondly if that’s the myth they’re selling, they’re just lying to their kids.
Israel has existed for more than 4,000 years in that region as various kingdoms…Islam was invented 1400 yrs ago, they’re the newcomers/invaders.
I don’t care to get into politics here…but it’s sometimes needed to set to record straight or present the other side.
The only nation treating it as a ‘prison’ is Egypt…they hate their fellow brothers. Palis hate the Jews and Israel isn’t responsible for their welfare.
As for the West Bank, that’s also largely governed by Fatah, the other terrorist group and I think in time Israel will take that land back.
Why does Israel have walls/fences/checkpoints? To prevent Palis from building terror-tunnels and smuggling weapons/rockets. Otherwise, they let in food and other essentials.
I’d have sympathy for the Palis if they were genuine victims, but their religion teaches them to hate/kill/enslave not just Jews but all of us non-Muslims.
This isn’t a war over land, but ideology, Islam is today’s Nazism, its goal is to conquer the planet. Let’s also not forget that Muslims fought on the side of the Nazis during WW2 and participated in the slaughter of Jews at the same.
There was a time I didn’t know about this issue…so I stayed neutral. Then I researched both sides and realized Israel is the real victim here. Don’t take my word for it, I encourage everyone to do their own research.
*at the same time.
Soda, we’re not going to do this here. I can’t be arsed trawling through the millennia of history to try to prove who’s more in the wrong. This isn’t the place, or the time, and nothing good ever comes of talking about this anyway. The idea that old-testament kingdoms (established through conquest) provide justification for 20th century settlers is just laughable.
Hamas are indeed a fundamentalist militant group. They do the kind of things you’d expect a fundamentalist militant group to do. I’m not going to defend that. If you want to assume that the people in Gaza turned to them entirely due to spite and their own inherent antisemitism, and that it had nothing to do with the preceding 100 years, that’s fine. If you want to put it entirely down to religion, that’s also fine. I have no fondness for Islam. I’ll note that they only turned to Hamas after the failure of more secular militant groups. But whatever.
I’ll simply restate that there’s a reason people are the way they are. With individuals, you can partially put it down to their unique biology. But with societies, the cause is rooted in history.
Indeed Husk,
Good to know that you are balanced in your approach and I also agree this isn’t the place really for politics.
I’ve also said my piece, it’s not really a topic that interests me that much. Except that if there is an ideology out there that is posing a danger to the world, that is like Nazism, then it must be pointed out.
What people do with that info after is up to them. One small point I’d add, if it was a land dispute, when it was divided up, everyone should’ve shut up and lived in peace.
But the 300 million Arabs (who have 57 nations and 800 times more land) continue to hate tiny Israel, the one and only Jewish state with 6 million Jews on it, because they don’t like the presence of ‘infidels’ on what they consider to be Islamic land.
That’s the real reason for the conflict. Islam is a supremacist, fascist ideology that seeks to take over the world. They hope to do the same in the West. I’ll leave it at that.
Fanatical religion does pose some level of existential threat. But religious adherents tend to become more fanatical when they themselves feel some sort of existential threat.
I can’t think of any historical examples of populations peacefully accepting immigrants divvying up their homeland. I feel like the natural response to groups coming from elsewhere and declaring an ethnostate in your backyard is generally to resist that. Would the Palestinians be in a better place today if they’d accepted the partition plan for Palestine? Probably. But I can’t really blame them for not being keen on giving up half their land to people who were mostly fresh off the boat.
It’s not about the Arabs as a whole. Arab nationalism never really got off the ground, but even if it were a coherent national identity, it’s more about the local population who were actually pushed off their land. If some ethnic settler group had the desire and the means to militarily defeat Canadians and drive them over the border, would you consider that acceptable on the basis that there was still the whole continental US full of people just like them?
I think you’re right that many Muslims aren’t keen on some of their holiest sites being under the control of a government that panders to adherents of a different religion. More generally, it’s kind of humiliating for lands which were for so long core parts of Arab and Muslim empires to be now held by a foreign power.
You could say that Islam is supremacist, depending on your interpretation. It’s been many things over its history, based on the predispositions of whoever claimed to be Caliph at the time. Some were degenerate playboys who sponsored learning and were relatively tolerant. Others were fanatical puritans who banned music and forced women to hide their faces. It’s rarely been pacifist, and the example of the prophet himself gives an argument to anyone wishing to take up arms against hostile powers, and even conquer and subjugate them.
Would a Neo-Islamic empire seek to take over the world? Probably. But then that’s what empires of all stripes tend to do. Regardless, I see no prospect of an Islamic resurgence. The Arab states are weak and divided. The only Islamic powers with nuclear weapons, Iran and Pakistan, are otherwise militarily mediocre. The only current threat to American global hegemony is China (with Russia playing the side role of a decaying rogue nuclear superpower.)
I generally reserve the term “fascist” for the European revolutionary nationalist movements of the 20th century. Otherwise, it just becomes another way of calling someone Hitler. Would Hamas try to commit another Holocaust if they somehow had the power? Possibly. I think they’d probably settle for reverse ethnic cleansing the territory under those circumstances.
But it’s not going to happen. Israel has one of the best funded and equipped armies in the world, backed by the global hegemon. Of their neighbours, the Saudis, Egypt & Jordan are effectively neutral, and Syria and Hezbollah are far too weak to pose a serious threat. Iran might threaten, but it would simply be a case of mutually assured destruction – Israel has it’s own nuclear arsenal ready to unleash. As terrible as the war crimes may’ve been over the last few days, Israel is not under realistic existential threat.
@Husk,
You mentioned ‘Islamic lands’ but you seem to downplay Islam’s supremacist, fascist, and totalitarian aspects.
If Islam was a benign ideology, it would’ve never left Saudi Arabia. It’s actually because of Christian opposition that Islam’s spread was stopped in many nations, since its goal was and still is to conquer the world. Those lands never belonged to Islam, but to non-Muslims whom they converted to Islam by force.
I call it fascist because it meets many of the hallmarks of fascism, such as anti-intellectualism, authoritarianism, brutality, no freedom, equality, etc. Just look at practically every Islamic state out there, they’re dictatorships and theocratic hellholes that people are trying to escape.
If Islam takes over it won’t be like say France, Sweden or the US taking over your country where you mostly keep the same rights you have now. Muslims will drag us all back to the 7th century Dark Ages where they stone gays, and so called ‘adulterers.’
Where even speaking out against Islam, burning the Quran, insulting Mohammad is a brutal death sentence, unless the Muslim street mob doesn’t kill you first.
It’s the most barbaric, hateful, evil ideology in human history. Hamas isn’t just an extremist offshoot; they are mainstream Islam. They follow the same religion as Muslims in our towns and cities, the same religion ISIS and Al Qaeda follow.
Muslims are not attacking us the same way in western nations because their numbers are still small…but once they hit 10-20%, you’ll see a major change in their attitude. They’ll stop pretending Islam is a religion of peace and demand that we convert or face death.
Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) doesn’t work on religious fanatics. They’re happy to kill you me and blow up the planet for their god because they think they’re going to a paradise after.
MAD only works on sane, civilized people who value their lives and this planet. This is why Iran and groups like ISIS, Hamas, etc cannot be allowed to get nukes because they will actually use them.
Certainly Israel is the strongest power in the region but that doesn’t mean determined terrorists can’t cause serious damage to the nation, as ofc we’re aware with Hamas.
A concerted assault from surrounding enemies could cause cripple Israel if not destroy it. Israel was fairly easily infiltrated when the nation wasn’t on guard and weak.
It’s not impenetrable, nor immune from destruction. It’s around because of the IDF and nukes…otherwise the Muslims would’ve overrun the land and slaughtered the Jews by now…so they need to maintain constant vigilance.
It’s not a topic that I have a lot of interest in but I felt I had to answer some of the points that you raise.
I mentioned that the land used to be a core part of various Arab and Muslim empires (for around 1300 years.) I think it’s kind of understandable that seeing it occupied by a hostile power settling there from overseas would lead people in the region to feel a certain way. I never said the land “belonged to Islam”, in the same way that Europe doesn’t “belong to Christianity”, and Russia doesn’t “belong to Communism.” Land belongs to people, not the things they believe in. The people of the region just happen to be predominantly Arab or Muslim right now, and so they view the imposition of control by a people that is neither of those things as an affront.
I didn’t imply Islam was benign. I explicitly acknowledged that the example of the prophet himself gives an argument to anyone wishing to take up a weapon for self-defence or even conquest. Islam was indeed spread by conquest, and its advance in the west was indeed halted by Christian warlords (who at points also conquered, forcibly converted and massacred people of other faiths – one example being Charlemagne’s treatment of the pagan Saxons.)
I should point out though that much of the conversion to Islam in the Middle East took place semi-voluntarily, in order to escape Dhimmitude. Christians & Jews were generally tolerated as a subservient underclass, and the Caliphs relied on the taxes they paid. Forced conversion was more of a thing in Persia, where Zoroastrians were not viewed as “People of the Book.”
One of the goals of Islam’s leaders for around the first century of its existence was indeed to conquer the known world. Their military successes had been stupendous, and seemed gifted by god. After they began to suffer setbacks however, this gradually fractured into infighting between various dynasties, interspersed with being conquered by outside groups (who often then converted in order to more effectively control their new territory – Turks, Mongols, Berbers etc.) Some of these rulers aspired to control the world. Others were more interested in the pleasures of the harem and poetry (the number of Caliphs who seem to have been bisexual or gay is both fascinating and hilarious, given current fundamentalist attitudes.)
Was medieval Europe fascist? It checks all the boxes you listed (as do most societies throughout history). You’re entitled to use words however you choose, but be aware that when you do so they have associations in people’s minds. Fascist=Nazi=Hitler=Holocaust=The Worst, Most Evil Thing Ever. It effectively functions as rhetoric, an appeal to emotion, rather than a meaningful description.
Most authoritarian governments are not fascist. Putin is not a fascist. Erdogan is not a fascist. The CCP are not fascist. Orban is not a fascist. The secular military dictatorship in Egypt that ousted the Islamist Muslim Brotherhood is not fascist. Iran is a theocratic republic, but it’s not fascist. Donald Trump is a malignant narcissist with authoritarian leanings, but he’s not a fascist. Saudi Arabia is a corrupt monarchy exporting religious fundamentalism, but it’s not fascist.
The historical movements that originated the term “fascism” were explicitly tied to ethnicity, “blood & soil”. They were revolutionary nationalist movements. Islam is not. Its conception of a people is not based on shared blood or regional culture. It doesn’t care who your ancestors were or what part of the world they lived in.
As I’ve already stated, a Neo-Islamic global empire is pretty low on my list of concerns. Climate change, AI, nuclear war with Russia/China? Yep. A return to the seventh century Islamic conquest? Not so much. If you want to fear that, fine, I just don’t see it happening. Would be interesting to see though.
What constitutes “mainstream Islam” fluctuates over time. There was a point in the recent past where seeing Muslim women wearing veils or even headscarves was a rare occurrence in most places. If you go back and look at footage of Muslim societies like Egypt in the 70s & 80s, there’s far less sign of fundamentalist religious observance. People still identified as Muslim, in the same way many in the west still identify as Christian, they’d still take part in certain rituals and still believed in god, but their interpretation of which religious rules were important was very different. But the export of fundamentalist teachings by certain powers in the region has changed things, combined with a few unfortunate foreign policy decisions by certain global powers.
I do fear the spread of Islamic fundamentalism in western societies. I just don’t see Muslims as a global monolith acting in unison in the way you seem to. Most of them aren’t “hiding their true beliefs”. For most religious believers, religion is just one of the forces acting upon them.
I wouldn’t be so sure about MAD. The funny thing about powerful people is that they tend to like staying in power, and will generally act pragmatically to do so, even if they believe in paradise. They usually prefer to encourage the poor & ignorant to strap on the suicide vest, rather than doing so themselves. Iran’s leadership could’ve engaged in all-out holy war with conventional weapons ever since they took power. They haven’t, because they don’t want to get wiped off the map. The same would likely be true if they acquired nuclear weapons. They know they would still lose any exchange. They might take out Israel, but the world would still be full of people who don’t follow their particular religion (including Sunni Muslims), while they would be history. And that’s not very appealing, even if you believe you have a spot booked in paradise. Opinion among the Iranian leadership is divided between hawks and moderates, like in any other country. There’s a reason they even bothered to engage with the US on a deal over nuclear development. They might indulge in extreme rhetoric, but their actions point to pragmatism.
Israel is around because of the IDF, nukes, and the vast quantities of US support. If the IDF were somehow actually thoroughly defeated (rather than briefly caught with their pants down), the US would likely step in (along with other allies.) Not saying Israelis don’t face any threat of violence – they demonstrably do. But they’re not getting driven into the sea anytime soon. Though it’s understandable that they’d live in fear of that, given the global persecution of Jews for the last 2 millennia, and the treatment their ancestors fled from in Europe.
We agree on some things and not others and probably can go on for ages…but there’s no need.
What I will say is that it’ll be interesting to see if this Hamas vs Israel escalates and that will polarize the world into those who support Islam or oppose it.
Atm it looks like things will probably get worse but we’ll see.
“But what if things were just ever so slightly different.”
If you believe in the Butterfly Effect, then yes, a small tiny change can lead to HUGE differences in outcomes. And I believe that. If I hadn’t gone out at that exact moment to cross the street, that car wouldn’t have hit me. Had I stayed home that evening like I wanted to and didn’t cave in to my friend who kept me on the phone until I relented and finally said yes, I wouldn’t have gone out and gotten hit by that car.
In your case, whatever bad deed you did that day, would you have simply done it another day if the opportunity arose? Or would that deed never have been done, causing you unending self-hate? That you would never know. However, if you had not done whatever bad deed that day, there exists some chance, whatever high or low that % that is, that you wouldn’t have done said bad deed.
Yep, wrong place, wrong time, and everything completely shifts.
In my case, I can imagine it going either way. It took a fairly rare set of circumstances to leave me in the mindset where I thought about doing what I did, but it might’ve been that if my depression and isolation had continued on I would’ve ended up there anyway.
Or the circumstances might’ve changed slightly, and I would’ve shifted in a different direction. I remember going on holiday soon afterwards and feeling completely changed by what I’d done. If I’d refrained from doing it the holiday alone might’ve been all it took to jolt me out of that mindset. At that point it wasn’t so much something I was obsessively determined to do, rather just an idle curiosity that I turned to when I was feeling incredibly low and lost.
@thehusk and @soda- i will leave you with a happy story about chance.
my friend’s grandpa was driving on a rainy day, very wet, giant puddles everywhere. her grandma was walking and stopped at the intersection to wait for the light and to cross the street. well grandpa, drove by, completely splashed the girl with the puddle water as he passed. he drove back, stopped, apologized to the lady, and offered to clean her wet clothes.
now, had the lady gone to the bathroom first, then left her house only 2min later, grandma would not have been at that intersection at that exact moment, grandpa wouldn’t have splashed her with puddle water, and grandpa would simply drove by going to where ever he was going to. they would have never met, never married, never had children. ALL bc of ONE chance moment in time.
so yes, even one teeny tiny change could alter ones live forever.
Awww, that’s a sweet story.
yep, that’s literally like what you see in the movies or read in books. how crazy that ONE moment in time made in both their lives. i mean, they could have missed each other by like 30s.
Great story ED, thanks for sharing.
Ya that’s the beauty of chance encounters or opportunities.
The key is to not let them slip away when you have them.
kinda makes you wanna splash some lady with some puddle water, eh? :’) jk
Haha…that grandpa got lucky, it could also backfire and she’d be pissed at me. lol
or if grandpa had drove by, splashed her, and decided to not stop and apologize to the lady. his life would have been completely different.
Indeed, he’d be in an alternate reality.
imagine if we had a crystal ball that showed us what would have happened if we had either done x thing, or not done y thing? imagine the crushing pain of seeing our likely much better alternate reality?
It would be amazing. I’ve also wished there were alternate realities you could jump into…say you were rich on one of them…take some wealth back to your reality. 🙂
But there could be other versions where you’re even worse off…it’d be sad to see.
If someone could invent such a ball they’d be rich asf.
or…imagine you’re like 7 of 9 in star trek where you’re neurally linked to your other alternate reality personas like in a hive mind. that would be wild to see/hear your alternate selves.
Ya for sure. 🙂
While we don’t have the power to change our decisions for our past selves, we do have the power to change our decisions right now, for our future selves. The way I’ve been treating my present self sometimes, I wonder if I truly would’ve chosen a better path, since even now I’m making bad decisions for myself. Hmm. Maybe I can change this, though…
It’s true that we can make different decisions going forward. But in order to do so, something needs to have changed: either our circumstances, or something deep within ourselves. I don’t think it’s enough to just tell yourself “I’m going to make better decisions in future.” The reasons you made those bad decisions in the first place need to have shifted.
exactly. in my case, i haven’t done “bad” things or made “bad decisions” the way other ppl have. my “bad” decisions were choosing the lesser of 2 shit scenarios year after year, time after time. and sometimes i chose wrong. no way to predict how so-called “good” decisions can turn out bad. i do self-blame in that i didn’t follow my gut instinct and listened to other ppl in some situations, and that have put me where i’m at now, which is at a shit situation.
right, so either my circumstance needs to change, or something “deep inside myself” needs to change, and if either of the two doesn’t change, then how can our life change and improve? that’s why i feel so depressed and hopeless. you hit the nail on the head.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
You can only do whatever little amount you can, and only you can know internally how much that is. Despair weighs me down a huge amount, and makes even the smallest challenge seem insurmountable. Yet when circumstances force me to test myself, I often find I’m more capable than I feared. But when there’s literally nothing you can do, the desirable response would be to accept it and focus on something else.
well my only option is to try to make it overseas. but i’ve been dawdling on that bc of fear and health. my health keeps declining and it isn’t wise to go when i’m this sick BUT the longer i stay in the US, the sicker i get bc i can’t afford healthcare here. or the astronomical rent. it’s a catch 22, i need to get healthier to go overseas, but i need to go overseas to get the healthcare i need to get better.
i’ve also been dawdling bc of fear and uncertain of my ability to live well and get around a 3rd world country not knowing anyone to help me and not knowing the language.
my lack of confidence in myself and my health is what’s keeping me stuck in the US. also, i’ve been infected with mold and fungus and i’m worried they will spread without my concoction of natural stuff i am currently using (which isn’t killing it but it helps to stave some of it off from getting worse)
i’ve been wanting to leave the damn country for years now, since 2018. but 2018 when i was gung ho about leaving, my health crashed, and i thought it’d be smarter i’d wait till i get healthier to do it.
then in 2020, i was about 2-3mo away from getting there, only all the borders closed bc of covid. and from 2020 on, i’ve gotten sicker and sicker and sicker. especialy bad was the past year due to having to move FOUR times due to not having a suitable place to live. and i have to move again bc this is THE WORST place i’m in rn. fucking unsanitary and lacking any kind of insulation.
anyhow, long story short, idk what i *can* do other than moving to a 3rd world country. where else can i go that i can afford housing AND healthcare? not anywhere in the USA that’s for sure.
sure, i can do what i can, but me trying to leave the USA keeps getting twarted by my health, and covid, but past 10mo due to my lack of confidence (and health- i have never been so sick dealing with fungus and mold, UGH). so i’m pissed at myself that i haven’t the confidence to just up and go, without knowing anyone there or the language or anything. i have wanted to just go, but i was worried about my fungus spreading, but it spread while i was here anyhow, bc the housing i was forced to be in was so dirty and unsanitary and i had to move 4x already in the last 12mo.
my problem is lack of money- and it’s not just an avg amount- when you are sick, that’s when you need even MORE money than an avg middle income healthy person needs. THAT is the kicker. life is full of irony and catch 22s.
Well, I suppose languages are something you can learn, with whatever mental focus you have available. If you don’t think you’re healthy enough to travel then that’s one thing, in which case it doesn’t make sense to beat yourself up over it, and it’s not even a current option for you.
But if you do think you could physically do it…upending your life and moving to a new country is daunting. If you’re rationally convinced that it’s your best shot, I suppose you want to overcome that fear? That’s probably my biggest issue with things I need to do. Generally I won’t do something until I’m pretty desperate and someone else is pushing me towards it. I don’t know if there are other methods for pushing yourself to do things you think are best for you but feel uneasy about.
also, going back to your quote, there are things that i know i cannot change, like politics, the economy, how the rich are screwing us over in every way imaginable, and ofc i as a lone ant can’t do squat. but it doesn’t stop me from being angry at the system that entraps the poor and keeps us poor and in chains. not just the poor but also the middle class.
I have a degree in economics with a specialization in finance, so it’s not like I am a dumb poor twat pointing spears at the rich as an excuse for my own failings. i did all the “right” things and still couldn’t make it. our generation, especially the younger ones, are screwed by skyrocketing costs, mounting debt, unaffordable housing, etc.
anyhow, rant over (for now). i know that’s something i as a lone person can’t change, but it doesn’t stop me from being angry as hell at the rich rigging the system and screwing the rest of us over.
what to do about that? i can’t will myself to not be angry and not care and just be “chill” like ppl i know.
i am trying to push myself to go, bc i can’t wait till “i get better” bc that will never happen. that was my initial thought process- go when i am healthier, but healthier never happened. only getting sicker and sicker here. so that’s why there’s a HUGE push on myself to go NOW. but the fear is real- hell it’s not even fear. it’s the lack of confidence in myself that i can handle whatever problems i encounter there. i have to worry about a ton more things there than i do here in the USA.
i’ve been trying to get there since 2018, got postponed 2x already, 2018 then 2020, and 2023 i stupidly decided to move home first (BIG mistake) in case i couldn’t live there due to visa issues. since moving home, i’ve gotten way MORE sick than i have ever been, bc my mom’s place is literally a disaster. she’s the definition of a slum lord. never fixed anything so everything is crumbling and rotten. i was told my area would be “renovated” only to find out she only did the bare minimum AND the contractor she paid is the cheapest, laziest and most incompetent idiot. everything is done the shittiest way possible, everything was leaking, for months, came to “fix” it but every time he left, it leaked again. he didn’t even make the counter even. like ffs.
anyway, since being here, i am sick as a dog. but i HAVE to leave bc being here is making me sicker. i am pretty sure there’s MOLD in the goddamn basement kitchen. i can’t see it but it smells bad there.
anyhow, i NEED to fucking go ASAP. but there’s legitimate visa issues, language issues, not knowing anyone issues. it’s scary for even a normal healthy person. but as a sick person, it’s not even fear that’s stopping me. it’s my lack of confidence in myself that i will be able to tackle and issues that i’ll need to deal with.
yes, language is something i can learn- over time. i should be ok once i set everything up and i’m there for a while. the problem i have is the immediate short term- when i get there. the second i get there, i need to know how to get all the things i need, which is very difficult if you can’t speak the language and you’re not familiar with anything since it’s a brand new country.
my worries are all the initial few months- how do i get everything i need and do all i need to do if i don’t know a lick of anything? like even paying bills isn’t simple there i’ve heard. there isn’t an online portal you can just pay. supposedly, you have to go into a specific bank the utilities companies set up, and you go in, and ask to pay that account. idk how it all works, that’s what i was told by someone. there’s just SO much to read, so much research, about everything little thing, that it just gets overwhelming. and i am someone that is used to researching everything.
but there’s analysis paralysis- when you research but don’t take action- ie fly over there.
there’s so many issues and worries about this thing and that thing and not being able to get this or that or set up this or that or find this or that, that i need. the worries- legitimate worries- about not being able to take care of everything on my own the first few weeks/months, is what is keeping me here. it’s not like moving to another state in the US where you at least know the process and procedure and where and how to get stuff even if you’ve never been there before.
Your concerns about your ability to cope sound justified. But if you’ve determined that it’s your best shot regardless, I guess your aim is firstly to prepare as well as you reasonably can beforehand, and then secondly to find a way to push past those concerns and take the plunge. I obviously have no practical advice to offer on either count, but I wish you luck.
my first hurdle is just to gtfo my mom’s shit house. my biggest mistake was moving in here. i didn’t realize just how dirty old dilapidated and unsanitary this shit house is. i caught mold here and my existing foot fungus has now spread to all over my body. so now i have THAT shit to deal with. dealing with that every single day is sapping my energy to do anything else.
anyway, i’m stuck here. i need to get out of here, but debating whether i should go straight to a 3rd world country or go to another state and sublet temporarily first. i have some medical stuff i should optimally take care of first, but i have NO place to stay in said other state for several months.
and airbnb is shit fucking expensive now
while we can only move forward, which i know is the only way bc we cannot go back in time, this “positive” approach only works when you’re young. the younger you are, the easier it is to “move forward” and make “better” decisions.
for me, i didn’t make “bad” decisions when i was younger- hell, i made the best decisions when i was younger, but NONE of that frigging panned out. which flames my anger.
and i am not young. and i am not healthy, thanks to this shit world that ran me over with a car. so while it is true we can only move forward (and i know you are right in that regard), it doesn’t make an older person feel good bc half of our life is already over and the other half is on a shit trajectory unless something major shifts that trajectory. and i am not doing drugs, alcohol, hanging around bad ppl and doing bad things, so it’s not really easy for me to “fix” and make “better decisions” moving forward.
the older you are, the more stuck you are, and the less likely any changes will result in big/good changes.
i get where you are coming from. if you are young, 20s, maybe even up to 35, and healthy, it’s much easier to “make better decisions” and “improve one’s life.”
@soda is more “upbeat” about it than i am, but even soda has acknowledged at at his age, he only has a few more years to try and turn his life around.
at a certain age, you just get fucking hopeless. bc unless i inherit like $5M USD *now*, my life isn’t going anywhere and I am stuck, stuck, stuck.
I am stuck in a shit situation, which is why I am so frigging miserable.
Sorry to be such a sourpuss. Some ppl can certainly turn their lives around, especially if they screw it up by doing dumb things like hanging around bad ppl, or doing too much drugs, or whatever the typical “stupid stuff” is. but what if you had always tried to make the best decision? and yet life has a way of screwing you over, time and time again? some of it is choosing a shit sandwich or half a shit sandwich. either decision isn’t going to turn out well.
when i was younger, i was more “upbeat” about life, despite the fact that i was chronically depressed. the older you get, the more hopeless you get. and the more trapped and angry you feel, bc no matter what, life just never f*ing works out well. AND to top it off, you see all your peers, who were handed life with not a silver spoon, but maybe a tungsten spoon, and they all wind up doing well in life, and it’s not bc they all worked so hard or made all the right decisions. much of it was handed to them. they just had to not fuck it up.