The only things I feel strongly about are either impossible, or so loaded with negative consequences that it would be wrong to attempt them. There’s nothing else in life I really want, or care about. Nothing feels that meaningful.
I do the bare minimum that I feel is necessary to survive, because I’m scared of the finality of dying. Otherwise… nothing. I try to escape into fantasies or the stories of those who have more of a reason to live than I do.
Forcing myself to work feels like pulling teeth. It’s dull, but the pay’s fine, and I can work from home. It would be OK, if I actually had anything to look forward to at the end of a work day. At the end of a week. At the end of the month. At the end of the year. If I had some strong positive focus in my life to tell myself “this is why I’m doing this.”
I don’t have anything to look forward to. There’s nothing I want strongly enough that is actually attainable for me. Nothing to focus on to pull myself through. So I’m just left with the sheer tedium of it, my mind constantly wandering off to times past, back when I still had some sense of purpose.
I’m wasting my life. And I can’t stop, because in order to not waste my life, I’d need to actually care. And I don’t care. Other than wanting the pain to stop (I have no idea how to make that happen), all I want is to curl up in a ball and sleep. Drift away into another existence that feels more meaningful. Except my dreams are actually dominated by random stressful situations. So I can’t even escape the tedium while I’m asleep.
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Not even little things to look forward to? I mean, I agree 100% on nothing particularly important to look forward to, but the little stuff, that’s what I hold onto
in my stable of things I look forward to right now there are;
Cities skylines 2 comes out in a few days, and eventually I’ll have money to buy it and time to play it. It looks more complicated which may or may not make for a better game.
There’s supposed to be a new Final Destination movie in the works, and whether it sucks or not that’s something I want to see
same applies to the new Saw X, eventually I want to see it.
and there are a number of projects too early to be sure if they’ll come to anything, but they might. I’m averaging a few dozen projects a year worth following. There are updates on games I already own coming out at least monthly.
then, not to get political, but there are world events I look forward to seeing the outcome of. Certain people seem to have written themselves into a corner, and it’ll be interesting to see if they can wiggle out. In some cases I’m cheering for them, others I hope they don’t. People are interesting, a neverending story generator that still seems to create interesting stories for me to follow.
and I have people I care about, their stories I probably care about the most, because I know my premature exit would mess it up, and thus I don’t do that. Though, in theory it’s out of interest of my own story. At the moment, I don’t see my story going anywhere interesting. But the people I care about, some of them might change the world, and if I can contribute, even if it’s just by not being dead, that seems worthwhile.
and in less noble states, there are people I hate, and I know my ongoing existence causes them frustration, and I’m not giving up on that because I’m quite spiteful.
I do try pretty hard to look forward to the little things. I’ve spent a lot of time and a fair bit of money over the years trying to find games that give me some kind of buzz. Unfortunately, in order to actually enjoy them, I need a degree of mental energy that just isn’t there a lot of the time. I have to be capable of really investing my mind in what’s going on. I have hundreds of unplayed games that I got free in Epic store that in theory I want to try, but I never actually get round to. Gaming also aggravates my back problems, which significantly reduces my enjoyment. I’ve been wanting to play the Total War games again for years now, but I just can’t spend that much more time hunched over a PC without it damaging my ability to work.
Movies and Tv shows rarely do anything for me anymore either. I have so little investment in popular culture that it’s often hard to relate. Usually it just serves as a reminder for things I want in my life but can’t have. There used to be at least one or two shows a year that I looked forward to. But the older I get, the more I seem to just be becoming detached from everything.
I think I just relied on those kind of coping mechanisms for too long, and a part of my mind started to see past them. Like I know that even if something’s good, the chances of it significantly impacting my mood are low. I used to look forward to the next season of Game of Thrones each year – like I actually really wanted to see what would happen next. Then it ended and it was just “meh”. I’m still vaguely looking forward to the next season of the spinoff show, but god knows when that’ll arrive.
I’m vaguely interested in seeing the outcomes of world events, but there’s also a lot of stress that comes from investing in that. I’m subscribed to hundreds of podcasts about what’s going on in the world, but there’s only one or two I actually enjoy.
I do care about my parents and my sister, but I only talk to them every fortnight or so. I know killing myself would mess things up for them, and I don’t want to do that. But that doesn’t make me actually feel positively invested in life. It just leaves me in this kind of grey zone, where I feel an obligation to live, without any positive incentive.
Other than them, no one cares about me enough for it to be worth living out of spite.
Maybe you need a change in some of the things you do.
I’m an introverted mess so I’m home way too much. Watch a lot of YouTube, it’s a mix of gaming stuff but also computer builds and component comparisons, and lately a lot of doomer economics videos (which doesn’t necessarily help but yeah). I game a lot and just try to make it work in general but like you cannot stand my job at all anymore.
I’m trying to get out, and start new work somewhere else. Maybe that could be step 1? The job market is hellish (if you’re in the US), but you could find something different and just put your head down and work. Make enough money to indulge in some other things, like traveling maybe?
I think that’s probably right, I need to try more things involving people. Which is the last thing I feel like when I’m burnt out from work.
I’m also an introverted mess, home pretty much all the time. I watch a lot of youtube and twitch as a distraction, but I don’t actually enjoy most of it.
I don’t think I could bring myself to go back to irl work. I just find dealing with “office politics” and other people’s systems too stressful. I like being self-employed… I’d just like to work on something that I actually find interesting. Which I think would require me to really put in a lot of effort to actually create something new, which I doubt there would be any market for anyway.
It’s so hard to guess what work will even be in demand in a few years, with the rapid improvements in “AI”. Even artistic professions are under-threat. And then further narrowing that down to things you could actually bear to do for 40 hours a week, limited by whatever skills or qualifications you actually have…
I can’t think of anything that’s really worth doing more work for, in order to indulge. I never really enjoyed travelling. For most things, I think I’d rather work less, and just not bother.
I feel you on that. I’d like to be self employed and do something that’s more in like with what I like to do, but as it stands, I need experience from others who understand it more so that I can get to that point. I’m not the best self teacher in all honesty…
I say what I said about finding something new and just working to get the money to do the things you actually want to do. I think it’s stupid to have to dedicate so much of life to some job that you despise or can’t tolerate for money. Idk I don’t have much of an alternative that would work for me right now so it’s irritating.
I’ve kind of lost the plot myself as well. I react when I game, and I was watching new seasons of some shows I like and I react there, yet it all feels hollow because something is lacking…
Idk man, it’s just sad that stability, even for the people who work the hardest, is becoming a pipe dream for the average person.
I think if you have something significantly meaningful in your life to get you through (e.g. a partner, kids), then it can be ok. Most people probably hate their jobs to some extent. My issue is that I have no prospect of anything like that. So at the back of my mind I’m constantly asking myself “Why am I putting myself through this? To survive? For what?” When you’re trying to do something you dislike, you need an emotionally strong purpose to push you through it. And I have nothing that feels that important.