My struggles and difficulty to end them

Since I was a child I always stood out because of my Autism, and I felt lonely and depressed. I rarely made friends and only managed to have a partner for a few months. In highschool suicidal thoughts started to become common and near the end of school I had the desire to do something violent because of the influence of what I saw online and on the news, since I was naive and foolish, but decided that It was just far too wrong. A few years pass and I start to strangely become obsessed with suicide victims and suicide methods, I would spend hours a day looking for the best options to die, but because I was, and still am unwilling to kill myself because of cowardice, I have reduced hundreds of suicide options over the last few years down to suicide by cop, but I am afraid to go to jail should the attempt fail somehow, and I would be seen by everyone as a criminal and insane. I have also had anxiety attacks that would wake me up at night with a randomly very strong fear of dying for some strange reason despite being suicidaly depressed and on top of that I have recently been getting very small anxiety attacks when I’m alone at my condo. Maybe these issues are due to a combination of my long list of mental problems including ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Gender Dysphoria, ASD, OCD, and ASPD. I feel like the longer I stay here, always getting fired from jobs, struggling to fit in, and seeing all the other young people around me succeed in all areas of life, gives me the feeling that I need to die now. I don’t know what to do or how to feel anymore.