When i was 17 years old i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Before I was 17 years old I was the walking definition of the disorder. When I was 15 years old it was “suggested” that I had bpd but I was too young to be diagnosed. Don’t be tricked I was a month from turning 18 when I got officially diagnosed with the disorder so technically I was the correct age to be diagnosed with a personality disorder. Quite recently I lost my favourite person, they left me, abandoned me. They were my best friend and my girlfriend. They were beautiful and sweet and everything in the world I wanted to be. I lived for them, they made me happy. They were my world. But I was drowning, I attempted suicide when I was 17 years old on November 18, my favourite person saved my life while I was od-ing she called emergency for me. She said she loved me and I said I love you too. We became really close after the fact, but I was drowning and drowning the disorder was eating me inside and out. Bpd was chewing me up and spitting me out into a pile of skin and blood. Things connected to my bpd as I grew depressed and ate nothing, i ribboned my wrists with a blade I stomped out of a pencil sharpener. But she still loved me my favourite person until one day she didnt and she escaped our relationship while I fell out of it. She was abusive emotionally at the end but I loved her anyways, even when she gaslit me and ignored me and called me crazy I loved her and I love her now still. Everyone left me because of my disorder, I have nobody now, but her leaving was the most devastating. To this day bpd suffocates and kicks me to the ground. And with no one to help I am not really sure what to do.
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I’m so sorry, those are some brutal things to have to live through. Processing that alone is tough, and add on a disorder, it’s alot. I’ve seen BPD from the outside twice, once with my cousin, and the second time even closer with a close friend. My cousin fell off the grid, we don’t know what she’s up to. But my friend has gotten better, bought her own car, and seems to keep landing on her feet. So it’s possible.
It has been suggested once or twice that I might have BPD, which I’ve never known what to do with. The way the diagnosis is handled clinically seems to me is something that could and should be done better.
It is difficult for someone to want to stick around if you’re hurting yourself. I grew up watching my mom hurt herself and making attempts. It felt like all the “I love you’s” I ever said didn’t mean anything, because it wasn’t enough to keep her from trying to leave. It’s difficult to stay around a situation like that when it is inevitable that if you stick around, your own mental health is going to be impacted.
I’m not saying you weren’t gaslit because I don’t know enough about the situation. But people with BPD are prone to thinking they’ve been gaslit when they haven’t, because they’ve spent so much time in their own head trying to navigate through tumultuous emotions. Just be careful, okay?
For context, she was also hurting herself.