When were you happy (if ever)?
When did you become depressed? How long has it been?
Do you think you’ll ever attain lasting happiness? What would make you happy?
happy to see some people i knew from before are still alive, hang in there.
happy: when im with my girlfriend, yes, i know, how are you depressed? you got it so good??
but that doesnt really help, when i have diagnosed fucking depression.
when something happened? when i was eleven, i got raped. im a guy btw.
and since then, to now.
now what would make me happy, would be becoming the person she deserves, to help her, be there for her more..
well, i dont know about getting lasting happiness.. but i hope you guys get there,
AND DONT FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. LIFE IS A HILL. THE HARD PARTS GETTING UP. THE FUN PARTS GOING DOWN. EVERY TIME SOMETHING SHIT HAPPENS, IF YOU GET THROUGH IT, YOU WILL BE REWARDED. SO STAY FUCKING ALIVE.
THE WORLD NEEDS YOU, NO MATTER HOW SHIT OF A PERSON YOU ARE. THERE IS ALWAYS ONE PERSON. EVEN IF YOU DONT KNOW WHO, EVEN IF YOURE ALONE.
hang in there.
Happy: last 2 years of school. No particular cause. Must be divine intervention. My mind was born anew.
Depressed: Start of college. I got separated from my school friends and found myself all alone. Guilts of slightest weakness and fears of future sucked the life out of me. It lasted 7 years. Things got better after I moved out of house, went to another city, left office job and began freelancing online. I was finally free from people. It definitely improved me.
I seek lasting happiness. If I have no doubt, if my state of mind remains unaffected from any external incident, I will call that lasting happiness.
Three years, god where does the time go? It’s not a binary, but there are states of complete happiness, just as there are states of complete unhappiness/depression. Three years ago my happiness was relatively complete, the closest I can remember it being. I was almost up to a 4.0 in school, vice president of the psychology club, just presented my research in my second professional conference.
What happened? I think the joy started to leak out of my life the moment I applied to grad school. I started risking my feeling of sufficiency in hope of getting into grad and continuing on my path. I didn’t even get a single interview. From there, it was all downhill.
A few weeks later the pandemic hit. Around there I decided to graduate instead of fighting for my double major. It took me six months to get a job which….. didn’t work out. From there it was majority unhappiness.
I honestly don’t know what conditions would be when depression starts to recede. The last time it was just a bet that turned out to work out. It takes an external series of events going my way. I’d have to have some degree of control over my life, some degree of appreciation in those who can provide my material well being.
I don’t doubt my capability. I doubt the world’s. I may reach contentment again, that seems relatively certain. Joy? Happiness? Satisfaction? It’d be nice, but there are no signs it’s coming.
“I honestly don’t know what conditions would be when depression starts to recede…It takes an external series of events going my way.”
—
-Exactly. That’s why I hate when ppl say shit like “work on your trauma” and your depression will go away and you’ll live a happy life. Like, HOW does one “work” on their trauma? Like someone who was abused, physically or emotionally, or someone who was raped, or insert whatever bad thing- how does one “work” on their trauma?
There is nothing I have read in any self-help book or heard from a therapist/psych/counselor that helped in any way. What does “work” on your trauma even mean? Maybe since you were sort of therapist/counselor/social worker you might agree with all that “work on your issues” stuff- but like- how does one even “work” on issues?
I had an absolute shitty childhood. I quit crying when I was 9 and did what was necessary to make something of myself and have a better life- worked my ass off in school/uni/etc, got myself a job at a prestigious place (at least on paper) but the job turned out to be a sham, just like the rest of society. Full of lies and bullshit.
I am very aware of what was done to me. I know it wasn’t my fault I was abused. I know it’s bc I was born female, it was bc we were poor, it was bc my father was abusive, which in turn made my mother stressed and abusive towards me. Like, what is there to “work” on? And HOW? I just don’t understand what ppl mean when they say “work” on your trauma.
I am a thinker. I am always in my head. I know WHAT happened and WHY. I know I am not stupid nor did I deserve any of this. I got screwed in having 2 shitty parents. Like WHAT is there to “process” and “work” on?
Serious question bc I get told that by some ppl- usually ppl who have NEVER lived through any REAL trauma. Like, what the hell do they mean “work on your trauma” and “process your trauma”? What is there to “process”?
Like I’m super depressed now BC of the fact that you can work your ass off, be super nice and sweet, and intelligent, and do all the “right” things, and you still don’t make it in this life bc of shit like economic inequality, unfair and depressed living wages, shitty work conditions, etc. Like just WHAT tf do ppl mean when they say “work on your trauma”? And HOW?
Are they just full of shit? The last lady that said all that to me was a narcissist. And yes, she is full of shit. But the narc aside, what the hell do they mean “work” on your trauma? I don’t see how there is a way of “working” on trauma. I’ve read so many self-help books, watched so many YT videos, went to see therapists, drs, tried everything that was suggested- and it did DIDDLY SQUAT. And that shitty narc lady kept digging at me saying it’s my fault bc i’m not “trying” and that i haven’t read EVERY book or watched EVERY video. which is just stupid bc they all pretty much say the same thing.
Going back to your statement at the top- “it takes EXTERNAL series of events going my way” in order for happiness to possibly occur. Which is what I believe as well. We can’t be happy if we don’t have good decent paying jobs that treat you like a human, we can’t be happy if we’re poor or not rich enough to have true freedom and do what we want. We can’t be happy if our economic or social situation isn’t good. Or our physical environment. So all that “work on your internal trauma” crap just sounds like bullshit. Like how does someone with trauma NOT have worked on it??
the whole concept of working on trauma assumes you can escape constant reminders of it. If you are being traumatized faster than you can process, which is the essential problem of trauma that your brain can’t process fast enough, you’re screwed.
It’s possible to launch yourself into a false hope recovery. Things look good, and you get just good enough at lying to yourself to buy into that. It’s temporary though, no one can persist against reality for very long. When you fall back from that though, that’s where I am. I can never trust myself again when I think “maybe it’s getting better” because I think being that dramatically wrong is part of the trauma.
I can be a talented liar, especially to myself. what I ran out of is self hatred. I stopped feeling like I deserved the punishment of false hope
So, I’m capable of getting back up, but I’m not the decision maker here. Someone with a reasonable amount of power has to decide it’s worthwhile to rehabilitate rejects like me. We are disposable, as long as there isn’t any realistic kind of used up people recycling.
but never trust someone saying it’ll get better, unless they can back it up with some form of proof. I’d rather be depressed than delusional.
I think everyone here needs some form of external help to get better- whether it’s a better job, more money, someone to love them, a friend to care and listen, etc.
The whole concept of self-help is bullshit. If self-help helped, we wouldn’t all still be here, would we? How many ppl have listened to videos, read all the books, did all the exercises, and is STILL depressed? All of us here.
I found this site after I flunked my 2nd? year of college and went back home to try to catch up. Been just on and off since. I’m at a very low point atm though, being that high school was 10 years ago and I have nothing to show for the life I have lived so far.
Not really sure where I’m going but just trying to get myself together to not be in a worse situation.
I was happiest in my 3rd and 4th grade years. I had a friend named Ben and Pokemon was brand new back then. We used to play that all the time. I spent a lot of time with Ben. I miss what we used to have.
When did I get sad…does someone actually want to know? It seems like whenever I’ve told this story on my own people get uncomfortable or feel emotionally drained after. I usually keep this to myself nowadays.
A number of things happened. I watched my father become violent towards my mother. He would throw tantrums and breaks things and yell so loud the neighbors would call the police. He was angry at my mother because my mother was depressed. She had begun hurting herself, and there were some mornings when I woke up before everyone else to find her unconscious in our living room, having taken a bottle of pills. She attempted suicide many, many times growing up, and it all made me just so sad. I’d go to school crying, and the other kids would make fun of me for it because boys aren’t supposed to cry and all that shit and I was being a little ***** according to everyone else.
I found out that my Mom was so depressed not only because of my father, but because of her own father, who had repeatedly raped her as a young teenager. I grew up idolizing my grandfather, because for some reason all the adults decided to sweep all that under the rug and pretend like none of it ever happened. Just keep it in the family.
And I felt so angry and sad and betrayed to learn what my grandfather actually was, on top of everything else.
And I grew up not only sad and angry, but frustrated and violent. But I’ve worked on the violence and anger a lot in therapy.
I’ve never been able to feel like I belonged in this world, except for those early days with Ben. I feel like I live in a nightmare. I hate myself too much, and I hate other people just as much and my mind is just fucking broken! God, I can’t fucking take it!
But yeah. That’s my story. All of that is why I’m so sad.
I’m sorry both your father and grandfather were such shitty ppl. Your mom just never had a chance at life- ppl who were victimized when they were young tend to never recover, which i know all too well in my own life.
“I hate myself too much, and I hate other people just as much and my mind is just fucking broken! God, I can’t fucking take it!”
-Same, bro.
My parents divorced right before high school. My mother is alive, and at least better than she used to be. She often finds herself in psychiatric hospitals. My father and grandfather are both still alive as well. My grandfather had a stroke though and he’s basically a vegetable in a wheelchair.
From birth to around age 9 I was pretty damn happy (although I only have memories from 3 onwards.) By which I mean I was largely content with my place in the world.
9-18 I had a growing sense of anxiety and social isolation, though I still held on to an overall hope that everything would work out.
19 was when depression started to hit, as I realised I couldn’t see a way out of my anxiety.
20 was when I realised I had gone so far in trying to escape my anxiety that there was no way back, and the despair really got a grip of me.
27 was when it became clear that I was growing old and no one was coming to save me. And I started to think about suicide. And I’ve been here ever since (9 years.)
I don’t think it’s in me to be content anymore. I have too much internal conflict.
12 comments
hey, havent been here awhile..
happy to see some people i knew from before are still alive, hang in there.
happy: when im with my girlfriend, yes, i know, how are you depressed? you got it so good??
but that doesnt really help, when i have diagnosed fucking depression.
when something happened? when i was eleven, i got raped. im a guy btw.
and since then, to now.
now what would make me happy, would be becoming the person she deserves, to help her, be there for her more..
well, i dont know about getting lasting happiness.. but i hope you guys get there,
AND DONT FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. LIFE IS A HILL. THE HARD PARTS GETTING UP. THE FUN PARTS GOING DOWN. EVERY TIME SOMETHING SHIT HAPPENS, IF YOU GET THROUGH IT, YOU WILL BE REWARDED. SO STAY FUCKING ALIVE.
THE WORLD NEEDS YOU, NO MATTER HOW SHIT OF A PERSON YOU ARE. THERE IS ALWAYS ONE PERSON. EVEN IF YOU DONT KNOW WHO, EVEN IF YOURE ALONE.
hang in there.
Happy: last 2 years of school. No particular cause. Must be divine intervention. My mind was born anew.
Depressed: Start of college. I got separated from my school friends and found myself all alone. Guilts of slightest weakness and fears of future sucked the life out of me. It lasted 7 years. Things got better after I moved out of house, went to another city, left office job and began freelancing online. I was finally free from people. It definitely improved me.
I seek lasting happiness. If I have no doubt, if my state of mind remains unaffected from any external incident, I will call that lasting happiness.
Three years, god where does the time go? It’s not a binary, but there are states of complete happiness, just as there are states of complete unhappiness/depression. Three years ago my happiness was relatively complete, the closest I can remember it being. I was almost up to a 4.0 in school, vice president of the psychology club, just presented my research in my second professional conference.
What happened? I think the joy started to leak out of my life the moment I applied to grad school. I started risking my feeling of sufficiency in hope of getting into grad and continuing on my path. I didn’t even get a single interview. From there, it was all downhill.
A few weeks later the pandemic hit. Around there I decided to graduate instead of fighting for my double major. It took me six months to get a job which….. didn’t work out. From there it was majority unhappiness.
I honestly don’t know what conditions would be when depression starts to recede. The last time it was just a bet that turned out to work out. It takes an external series of events going my way. I’d have to have some degree of control over my life, some degree of appreciation in those who can provide my material well being.
I don’t doubt my capability. I doubt the world’s. I may reach contentment again, that seems relatively certain. Joy? Happiness? Satisfaction? It’d be nice, but there are no signs it’s coming.
“I honestly don’t know what conditions would be when depression starts to recede…It takes an external series of events going my way.”
—
-Exactly. That’s why I hate when ppl say shit like “work on your trauma” and your depression will go away and you’ll live a happy life. Like, HOW does one “work” on their trauma? Like someone who was abused, physically or emotionally, or someone who was raped, or insert whatever bad thing- how does one “work” on their trauma?
There is nothing I have read in any self-help book or heard from a therapist/psych/counselor that helped in any way. What does “work” on your trauma even mean? Maybe since you were sort of therapist/counselor/social worker you might agree with all that “work on your issues” stuff- but like- how does one even “work” on issues?
I had an absolute shitty childhood. I quit crying when I was 9 and did what was necessary to make something of myself and have a better life- worked my ass off in school/uni/etc, got myself a job at a prestigious place (at least on paper) but the job turned out to be a sham, just like the rest of society. Full of lies and bullshit.
I am very aware of what was done to me. I know it wasn’t my fault I was abused. I know it’s bc I was born female, it was bc we were poor, it was bc my father was abusive, which in turn made my mother stressed and abusive towards me. Like, what is there to “work” on? And HOW? I just don’t understand what ppl mean when they say “work” on your trauma.
I am a thinker. I am always in my head. I know WHAT happened and WHY. I know I am not stupid nor did I deserve any of this. I got screwed in having 2 shitty parents. Like WHAT is there to “process” and “work” on?
Serious question bc I get told that by some ppl- usually ppl who have NEVER lived through any REAL trauma. Like, what the hell do they mean “work on your trauma” and “process your trauma”? What is there to “process”?
Like I’m super depressed now BC of the fact that you can work your ass off, be super nice and sweet, and intelligent, and do all the “right” things, and you still don’t make it in this life bc of shit like economic inequality, unfair and depressed living wages, shitty work conditions, etc. Like just WHAT tf do ppl mean when they say “work on your trauma”? And HOW?
Are they just full of shit? The last lady that said all that to me was a narcissist. And yes, she is full of shit. But the narc aside, what the hell do they mean “work” on your trauma? I don’t see how there is a way of “working” on trauma. I’ve read so many self-help books, watched so many YT videos, went to see therapists, drs, tried everything that was suggested- and it did DIDDLY SQUAT. And that shitty narc lady kept digging at me saying it’s my fault bc i’m not “trying” and that i haven’t read EVERY book or watched EVERY video. which is just stupid bc they all pretty much say the same thing.
Going back to your statement at the top- “it takes EXTERNAL series of events going my way” in order for happiness to possibly occur. Which is what I believe as well. We can’t be happy if we don’t have good decent paying jobs that treat you like a human, we can’t be happy if we’re poor or not rich enough to have true freedom and do what we want. We can’t be happy if our economic or social situation isn’t good. Or our physical environment. So all that “work on your internal trauma” crap just sounds like bullshit. Like how does someone with trauma NOT have worked on it??
the whole concept of working on trauma assumes you can escape constant reminders of it. If you are being traumatized faster than you can process, which is the essential problem of trauma that your brain can’t process fast enough, you’re screwed.
It’s possible to launch yourself into a false hope recovery. Things look good, and you get just good enough at lying to yourself to buy into that. It’s temporary though, no one can persist against reality for very long. When you fall back from that though, that’s where I am. I can never trust myself again when I think “maybe it’s getting better” because I think being that dramatically wrong is part of the trauma.
I can be a talented liar, especially to myself. what I ran out of is self hatred. I stopped feeling like I deserved the punishment of false hope
So, I’m capable of getting back up, but I’m not the decision maker here. Someone with a reasonable amount of power has to decide it’s worthwhile to rehabilitate rejects like me. We are disposable, as long as there isn’t any realistic kind of used up people recycling.
but never trust someone saying it’ll get better, unless they can back it up with some form of proof. I’d rather be depressed than delusional.
I think everyone here needs some form of external help to get better- whether it’s a better job, more money, someone to love them, a friend to care and listen, etc.
The whole concept of self-help is bullshit. If self-help helped, we wouldn’t all still be here, would we? How many ppl have listened to videos, read all the books, did all the exercises, and is STILL depressed? All of us here.
I found this site after I flunked my 2nd? year of college and went back home to try to catch up. Been just on and off since. I’m at a very low point atm though, being that high school was 10 years ago and I have nothing to show for the life I have lived so far.
Not really sure where I’m going but just trying to get myself together to not be in a worse situation.
I was happiest in my 3rd and 4th grade years. I had a friend named Ben and Pokemon was brand new back then. We used to play that all the time. I spent a lot of time with Ben. I miss what we used to have.
When did I get sad…does someone actually want to know? It seems like whenever I’ve told this story on my own people get uncomfortable or feel emotionally drained after. I usually keep this to myself nowadays.
A number of things happened. I watched my father become violent towards my mother. He would throw tantrums and breaks things and yell so loud the neighbors would call the police. He was angry at my mother because my mother was depressed. She had begun hurting herself, and there were some mornings when I woke up before everyone else to find her unconscious in our living room, having taken a bottle of pills. She attempted suicide many, many times growing up, and it all made me just so sad. I’d go to school crying, and the other kids would make fun of me for it because boys aren’t supposed to cry and all that shit and I was being a little ***** according to everyone else.
I found out that my Mom was so depressed not only because of my father, but because of her own father, who had repeatedly raped her as a young teenager. I grew up idolizing my grandfather, because for some reason all the adults decided to sweep all that under the rug and pretend like none of it ever happened. Just keep it in the family.
And I felt so angry and sad and betrayed to learn what my grandfather actually was, on top of everything else.
And I grew up not only sad and angry, but frustrated and violent. But I’ve worked on the violence and anger a lot in therapy.
I’ve never been able to feel like I belonged in this world, except for those early days with Ben. I feel like I live in a nightmare. I hate myself too much, and I hate other people just as much and my mind is just fucking broken! God, I can’t fucking take it!
But yeah. That’s my story. All of that is why I’m so sad.
I’m sorry both your father and grandfather were such shitty ppl. Your mom just never had a chance at life- ppl who were victimized when they were young tend to never recover, which i know all too well in my own life.
“I hate myself too much, and I hate other people just as much and my mind is just fucking broken! God, I can’t fucking take it!”
-Same, bro.
did your mom successfully sui-? or is she still alive with your pos dad?
My parents divorced right before high school. My mother is alive, and at least better than she used to be. She often finds herself in psychiatric hospitals. My father and grandfather are both still alive as well. My grandfather had a stroke though and he’s basically a vegetable in a wheelchair.
From birth to around age 9 I was pretty damn happy (although I only have memories from 3 onwards.) By which I mean I was largely content with my place in the world.
9-18 I had a growing sense of anxiety and social isolation, though I still held on to an overall hope that everything would work out.
19 was when depression started to hit, as I realised I couldn’t see a way out of my anxiety.
20 was when I realised I had gone so far in trying to escape my anxiety that there was no way back, and the despair really got a grip of me.
27 was when it became clear that I was growing old and no one was coming to save me. And I started to think about suicide. And I’ve been here ever since (9 years.)
I don’t think it’s in me to be content anymore. I have too much internal conflict.