i don’t know if posting confusion on a suicide forum is worth it but i feel comfortable here. i feel so confused. i look at people engaging in things and getting involved in things and i just can’t see a reason to. the only things i do day to day are eat and sleep. i don’t care about reading/intellectual work, i don’t care about “emotional expression,” bc nothing i experience is that fantastical or interesting, i don’t understand why people romanticize anything, i don’t really even care about eating or doing anything like that, i don’t know what relationships or other people are even for, i mean the only person that made some sense is when heartlessviking says he doesn’t really mind if people make the decision to die, i really think about my life and how people aren’t perceiving me correctly at all, they say people care about you, and why you shouldn’t die and stuff like that and i just don’t know why. the only reason i’m not ending my life is because it would hurt. and when i really think about it i think i’ve lied to myself all this time that it would hurt, because some methods wouldn’t.
i know once i have an objective it’ll change, but did i already master detachment at a young age?by not feeling “strongly?” if i’m not fearful i guess it’s not a bad thing
hoping by experiencing i’ll get the chemicals in my brain that make me value life. but what if the chemicals never happen? guess i’ll have to find out but i’m so doubtful that anything leads to anything new.
the fact that misinformation is also spread and that nobody knows what’s going on, or it doesn’t seem like there are clear answers to anything…has made me give up. i just want a solution, but people keep on saying there are no solutions to anything that’s going on and i don’t think i can handle that. i don’t like being ignorant but it’s almost like i’m content to be. why exert effort when i can just die? hard to imagine any effort as enjoyable
i guess at the root of it all is i just don’t understand other people. people seem so much more complicated than me. they have all these things going on. all these processes they identify with. a whole story. even people on here. i just don’t know how the fuck they have formed such identities. maybe if i put myself in more situations the necessity to understand would be a thing but i’m here, probably solidifying my identity even more as being a rando
i am feeling kind of annoyed i think, overall. when i think about people enjoying any part of this life, enjoying anything “uncritically” or just existing i feel like i should feel shame and i feel like existing is … like affecting my self esteem negatively. that’s what i mean when i felt like others were a joke. even things like goodwill, emotions.. it all makes me annoyed. why anyone cares about existing or puts effort into it, builds an identity into it, or tries to be noble about it all, or even puts effort into being “evil” when you could just be neutral. i don’t know. feel like this doesn’t make any sense. i don’t like others if i see them as lame, but then sometimes i’ll think about me being the lame one. getting interested in things just doesn’t seem worth it. i guess that’s because i don’t believe in anything really giving me a big return. and maybe that’s okay. and normal. now i am using this place as my diary, apparently
2 comments
Not valuing life or not being attached to worldly things is one thing, to give up life is another. If you don’t really care, why care about ending life, unless something from life is bothering you?
Or if it’s other people, well that’s an issue. It’s no wonder monk and hermit type individuals leave society and go into solitude of jungles and mountains. Presence of others would keep bothering them. We have this connection with others which makes us care about their words. It’s probably a good thing from social perspective but it has negative implications too.
You don’t have to feel shame because others are engaged in weird things. They have their reasons, you don’t have to equate yourself with them. Actually it’s not reasons, it’s feelings and needs. Everybody is trying to fulfill those needs. If you don’t have those needs I would say you saved yourself lots of trouble and effort.
I remember when i was young, in relatives marriage functions all my peers would be dance all around me like there is no tomorrow. I didn’t understand why they’re dancing so much. I would feel ashamed not having that in me which is making them dance. Or like I’m doing something wrong by not dancing, something I ought to do. Now I understand most of them were just drunk and were just using dance as a means of enjoying themselves which they probably learned by watching others. There was no obligation, no “should”. Just an incident but everything is like this.
“everybody is trying to fulfill those needs”
i’ve been watching this youtuber, “healthygamergg”
watching him makes me understand that there is a collective and that personality/life strategy can be changed. my strategy has been to develop a “unique” personality, but i’m slowly learning that as a human being, i do have emotions and needs. i have just not uncovered them and have preferred acting extremely random out of a sense of spite. i look at everyone, as a human being, striving for something and i’m not sure if it’s genuine or a borrowed idea, but there is some disgust at the level of attachment to life displayed.