i don’t even know how i feel about anything. i also don’t like adapting to my environment, which makes other people think i cause my own problems. in the end the control factor is what i want. i feel like i’m inching toward some realization that i can’t have this. i always threaten suicide, possibly like a true narcissist, and i can’t really tell if this is the hill i want to die on or not.
i just want my decision to be my own. no pleasing people, or trying to get on their good side..
i wonder if i’m going against how i really feel. i think if i get in touch with this a little more, i might get better. but i always want to go against that stuff, and it’s also possible that i really do feel a certain way, but my environment does not want me to.
i’ve been reading, and i think i am going against how i really feel. a lot of my suffering has been because i’ve lost this common knowledge, out of a “what-if” scenario, and inviting people to care about me. i realized that in confusion, most people freeze. and they stay frozen. i’ve told people i wanted to off myself, and they’ve ignored me, happily. or in other words they didn’t want to think much about me after that. unsolvable problem. see a therapist, don’t talk to me.
the common knowledge i’m talking about being that i have emotions. i walk around like i have no emotions, and that i’m some non-entity. i’m overly interested in what my ‘personality’ is like. once i figure out what that even means, stop pretending to be other people, and understand emotions, it’s all over for you bitches. lmao
as i am now, i am incomprehensible. i cannot be with other people if i’m going to continue to ignore these questions.
wanting to die is probably such a loss. but if i do it, it’s not like it’s a crime either. the question is, do i want to lose? is that what i want to depict? in some sense, it’s okay to go away after a certain point. i’m just not sure this is the point. i just hope life isn’t just taking me for a ride.
the reason i want to die is because things go wrong in my life. and the fact that i don’t give compassion to this, the fact that i berate myself for even being upset, is probably making it worse.
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My whole life’s quest has been to not be deceived by life. And damn has it deceived me, everytime. But at a certain point I realized life and me are not separate. Life is not deceiving me. I’m just ignorant. It’s not me vs life or me vs world. It’s just me.
I can relate to losing the common knowledge of feeling. In my case I lost my beliefs and everything became chaotic. I didn’t know what I believe in so operating in world became such a task. Every mental effort to find my beliefs lead to rabbit holes of reasoning. I would walk to and fro at night for hours seeking a sense of ground. Took such a long time to be at some level of peace with belief-lessness.
The chaos, the confusion, are part of the process of liberation.
the first thing i’m trying to learn is social relationships. i rejected too many ideas. better start with some first. i need experience. life is going to deceive.