Where have I been the last couple of days, you (do not) ask?
This is not a threat, this is a statement. I have been successfully pushed over the brink/the edge.
At the same time, I’m fucking insane. My suicide is an attempt to make others feel pain. I have been wronged, but I could have read the room and set realistic expectations for myself/I could have never developed the expectations I had in the first place/I could have done my level best to adapt to my environment.
My suicide is essentially me telling life it doesn’t deserve me. I said something similar a while ago, that “this was it” and apparently, someone said that people killing themselves over minute things not going their way is becoming more common recently.
But I’m also vindicated because that in itself is a wrong mental health statement. There is no “minor” reason for committing suicide, or making the decision you made. No one can tell me what I’m doing is “wrong.” If it’s true that I’m selfish for making others feel bad, then, I still don’t care.
Unlike “depressed” people, I am committing suicide because I am a narcissist. I’m not entirely sure how I got here. I could say it was upbringing that reinforced my personality, and I am correct. I may be making choices that fail me, but other people failed me too. I don’t think I’m a bad person. I just think that taking myself out is the way to go. Life isn’t good enough for me. I’m appreciative of what I got, and I lived long enough. I’m doing this to make others see that they didn’t acquiesce to my needs/wants and so it results in this happening. Does that make me a bad person? I’ve been reading up, and people who “manipulate” like this are not approved of, and ultimately dismissed, no matter what they do. But manipulation is everywhere. At least, around me it is. The only reason the other people I knew/know are surviving now is because they have a better manipulation strategy. For them, it’s being more prosocial, or reading the room and staying in their lane. Like I said, I’m insane, have been since I was a child. I socialized, always expecting people to meet my needs. It’s not common, but I also could have showed my disregard for people and still expected them to meet my needs. My life has not gone the way I wanted it to. Why would people feel sad for me? They didn’t want to accomodate me. They see me as an exhausting facet of their own life. I never should have asked for people to support me, but for some reason I could not help myself. I feel like I am not truly a narcissist, but more a sociopath roleplaying one. I don’t really think I feel like hurting people because they didn’t cater to my whims. I think I just liked living on the edge, and now I don’t like the results.
I don’t like most people around me because they get upset or they might cry at me choosing to kill myself. But all I wanted was a friend. I want someone to say, “Ok, this is what you/re going to do? Alright.” I think that this is my entire life’s mission. I just wanted someone to agree with me at the end of the day, and I grew up around peers and family that seemed to be unlike me at all. But you could say I could have been like everyone else too. I made a choice to be different, and I embodied that difference, without knowing the consequences. I’ve heard that there are other people like me. Again, we call these people insane. I also don’t feel completely insane. But this is the illusion underpinning my entire life: that we are all not the same. All of us make these choices to create identities. When someone creates an identity similar to the society or circle they are brought into, their survival is more assured. An insane person goes against the constraints, and expects the world to follow suit, the people to follow suit. An insane person makes their identity or self consciousness too much for their surroundings. My death will be futile and vain. And I’m okay with that. No one is better than me. Just more invested in this life.
I’m tired of making other people displeased. Not because I care about them, but because it exhausts me, and puts me at risk. What do I think killed me? The people with so called “empathy.” The people pleasers. Not the people who generally care ( those people go away eventually, it is not all there, however) but the conformists. The “nice ones.” For a narcissist, I’m a people pleaser too. I told myself that I needed to make sure people were pleased, no matter what. I wouldn’t let them kill themselves. I would do what people wanted. I would put other people before myself, at all costs, or at least more than others, because I needed them to be okay. But I was selfish. I did that because I was also needy. I’m not capable of putting others’ needs before my own. I am a person who really looks like they genuinely care, but I do not. I am a narcissist, with a complex about these things. And I don’t really hate those people like myself, because it does come from empathy. All empathy is reducing the suffering to alleviate your own. However. Who I really dislike are the nice ones. The ones that know their boundaries, are not narcissists, but simply put themselves first. They make me feel wrong. On the one hand, I am more caring than them, I do more. On the other hand, they are more realistic. They play by society’s game. They are the ones who will succeed, and not me.
I know I have so many opportunities to turn back from my ways of thinking. But there’s a pull to end my life to show other people, briefly, that I needed more emotional support. At the end of the day, it might have never worked out.
But in my head, while I know I’ve been living on the edge, I’m not sure it had to be this way. I could have been alone for my entire life, and not bothered anyone. I guess my death is because I’m just tired of being a person. I’m tired of everyone. I’m tired of all of us creating these wants and needs that ultimately we cannot obtain, especially me. I’m so fucking insane I don’t even know how I lived this long. If other people have to support me for me to stay alive, it’s not that I don’t think I deserve it or accept it, it’s more like it’s just not sustainable. When I see therapists they say they cannot help me or call me interesting. Everyone calls me interesting. But if someone had told me back then that my personality traits are killing me, if they took me aside and told me, you need to be careful…and the weird thing is that these people did try. I was always going to kill myself. The one thing I could think of that might save me, again, is other depressed people. I see all of you on here and I’m not sure I can relate to you. I know people told me my problems matter. I don’t have to be like anyone else. But one thing everyone has in common is that life is not going their way. I would especially like to help people who are narcissistic. Everybody doesn’t approve of the people who commit suicide over “smaller” issues, like bullying. Over words. These people are called snowflakes, or at worst, dictators. And I won’t say it’s completely untrue, I know where these people come from. But to me, growth isn’t everything. Existence as one chooses is fine. I am suspicious of people who would cry over my death, and I also dislike people telling me to get stronger. I just want someone to tell me that it’s ok. Because it fucking is. Being dead is okay. I’ve already lived a good life, why more? So I can travel, so I can learn something, so I can get involved in a relationship where there is no surprise, but just about pleasing another person so that they can affirm my ego? What is there to need?
I wanted to be alive, but the world has let me down. So why not show it. Everybody tells me about my appearance, my “high intellect” (which I’m sure is just about literacy, because I do not make “good” decisions) and I am somewhat emotionally mature. But I’m surrounded by people who are not conscientious, and who are less driven by their ego. I say good for them. I wish I could make use of what I apparently have, but my personality is not good enough. I don’t know how to describe myself other than evil. But it’s not evil towards others, it’s evil towards myself. I don’t want the best for you and me. I don’t like the world the way that it is. All of this so fake. Since when did I care about the world? Why? Why do any of us lie to each other that we care? It’s just a project to us all. Why do all of us act like life is sacred? Life isn’t always happy. I think…I just wish I were around people that did focus on the worst off, on a matter of principle. Not because they “care” but because reducing suffering is just the most interesting thing to do. The most obvious thing. The reason I want to kill myself is I don’t have it in me. I don’t want to save the people who aren’t like me. I want to save the people who are like me. But these people cannot be saved. People like me are always going to die, because something is going to kill them inside. I just want to rest. And I thank everyone who tried. But I also want them to hurt. Because they didn’t try hard enough. If that’s not being good to them, then, it’s even better that my existence is no longer thriving. It’s the way I think that has caused this. I don’t know what caused me, or causes people, to move away toward what works and towards the “ideal.” It’s dangerous and a death wish. The only message I wish to leave to people is, if you have a “bright,” “articulate” or “eloquent” friend, maybe even a “theater kid,” they seriously need to be redirected, because it’s a minority group. These people tend to rely on others and are social to the point where it’s dangerous, can be preoccupied with themselves in more elaborate ways. I, unfortunately, am surrounded by pragmatic loners or shitheads who did not notice my obvious death flags as a young child. And why? Because my existence is not meant to be. In the end, I don’t want anyone to be upset. Suicide is useless just as life is. I will no longer be here at some point, and there is no point thinking about what could have been.
12 comments
well my immediate reaction, if you read nothing else of it is that professionals are surprisingly adept at pulling people back from the edge. This is my warning, I’ve been pulled back and seen it many times.
I find your musings on ego, self and narcisism interesting. I’ve never met a narcissist that admits to it, though that might be a failing in me. But what it appears to me is that your self, your ego has been starved of attention, of meaningful outlet.
Everyone craves validation, but most people have a low standard for it. Most people I could say “okay, I hold you no ill will for your beliefs” and that is more compassion than they’ve ever had.
You are the captain of the ship of your life. If you are determined to die, you’ll find no one can stop you. Certainly not me.
I wish I could find a way to help you find your footing, at least enough to live out the rest of your days and die when it takes little effort. Some people can never fit, and that’s not an easy thing to live with. It still seems to me that a lot of us drive ourselves mad with trying to fit, trying to belong.
It may be awful of me to say, but I like people most when they’re ready to give up on fitting in. When they find their lives lacking, and the status quo insufficient, because that is the rational response.
Interestingly, I was thinking about this earlier today before I read this, I wonder if we are inspired to suicide. I didn’t start out suicidal for one. Years and years, doctors office after doctors office, I kept being asked about it. It was thus suggested to me as an appropriate out. I don’t know that I would have come to that conclusion, lacking such constant reminder that killing myself was an option.
Eh, just another of my uninspired pscyhology hypothesis, is it any wonder I didn’t make much of a splash in the research world?
It’s sad because I’ve been typing for maybe over an hour and I lost all of it. it was a lot. I’ll respond to what you have to say as best as i can remember it.
you’re calling me interesting again. it’s not interesting. i’ve been surrounded by snark all around me. i call that narcissism. i call people who are more experienced than me holding it over me narcissism. i don’t know why people do that shit. my naivete is natural. what’s the bad societal construct that makes people act more mature than you while thinking they’re helping? why lie to yourself and me? it’s fully believing in society’s idea of success, which is hollow. i clocked you as narcissistic by the way that you type. “making a splash” and all that. why do you need to do that?
if you go back to social work, you’ll see how uninteresting the narcissism of young people is. a lot of narcissists are “self aware.” it’s just that i’m more extreme and ironic about it. i’ve been playing a game since i was a kid, a dangerous game. i started escalating it about 10 years ago.
“everyone needs validation” – i don’t know where this came from. i challenged this a kid. people’s assessments most of the time do not make sense. i think i was just confident at a young age.
i’m interesting because mostly all of my actions are inspired. i am an actor, and get lost in a role. i am fascinated with the differences between people and which of those are societal constructs, and why some people fall for societal constructs in the first place. i am fascinated with my own power. and there is no reason to be. we all have different experiences in life. i was always interested in what i was predisposed to be like, whether or not i have “more” of something like natural intuition, intelligence, like a comparison addict. i think knowing what attributes i was born with would help my mental health somewhat, but because i have been so idiosyncratic, i have fixated on things that have gone wrong that other people don’t and i’ve found meaning in the drama of portraying that loss to other people. i was musing in my lost post about influence. i think i am very fascinated by misguided people. understanding what most people don’t. understanding emotionally. but i sometimes wonder if sometimes nothing is particularly important or significant about emotion. about maybe things just going wrong because they can. i was trying to study why people make bad decisions, and the answer that i could come up with is that it’s a manifestation of putting themselves over you. why do people act antisocial when being prosocial is the better decision when it comes to being selfish? no idea. i said it doesn’t pay to be antisocial and i’m right. i know better than to be doing what i’m doing, but i did it anyway and i know that i was inspired. and i think i thought that being inspired gave me a pass, but no one will.
i have a desire to cease existing, and cease the search for more. it’s comforting to be senseless. i’ve always wondered why we do anything at all. and it’s truly not that deep. most people find things to do because there is no societal way to die. we don’t really have a choice, unless we’re brave enough to cause ourselves some major physical pain in the process. so we find things to do. and i’ve not been wise in that regard. what’s wrong with me is that i think about things much less than other people, maybe people like you do, and as a result, my affect is shallow and i do not understand you. i make decisions that possibly hurt me, but then it’s almost like i can take it or leave it. my will to survive is low. the sad thing about it is we are not taught why we are alive, which results in some people being sociopathic, and i don’t know why others make better decisions, but it probably has to do with the people around them. and it also has to do with the fact that we think it has to do with the people around us. some of us do not know we can choose. i was told i was mildly psychotic by a professional. i think it’s because i’ve always acted as if i had no free will, and treated myself like what i think others would act like in a certain scenario. that’s fucking weird, and i think a lot of people do it too. you start to wonder if people are roleplaying or genuine. i think my death was kickstarted by being out of touch with emotion, and being surrounded by people who seem to operate based on stories. i feel like everyone does this, and it makes me devalue everything and everyone. i wonder if any of us are doing things based on what we feel. i certainly feel like killing myself is not a strong desire, but i told myself i had to anyway based on certain things in my head that i want to see through. i think i want someone to save me, not from death, but from my confusion. i think as long as i understand what i’m doing, i can go through with it. i don’t get the sense i fully do.
error to correct, I had no intention to call you interesting. I was interested on the abstract musings on narcisism, it’s a clinical fascination and part of why I ended up in mental health to begin with. If it was just you flailing, that wouldn’t be particularly unique or of note. That’s the thing, people tend to confess to things when they are in heightened emotional states that no “rational” or “sane” person would.
as to my sick ego, no doubt, no one with a healthy ego goes down the roads I went down. More often though my sickest moments have been when I stop remembering that “I” exist. Ego is easier to work with, self interest being what capitalism is all about. I think of myself as more of a humaniod spider type of monster, if I had to choose. Encapsulating and prodding things I think I might get more out of. So if that comes off offputting in my manner, I apologize for my nature. It fundamentally can’t be personal.
Why am I like this? Maybe my parents didn’t give me enough hugs. Maybe they gave me too many hugs.
I apologize for my dark humor, as well, but it is probably the reason humanity evolved laughter, to deal with death and disease. We definitely didn’t develop it for Jeff Dunham.
Kids…. kids, I’ve already met more than I could count that I couldn’t save. Now parents, there’s a case of wasted resources. Our society does a lot for parents, most of them don’t deserve it. Maybe the kids don’t either. If I do go back to doing it, the primary reason is that it doesn’t turn my stomach. Gross huh? Most work turns my stomach, as does quite a lot of food. Put me among misfits and freaks and I’m a person with projects, the happiest kind of person.
heh, a lot going on with the rest. I particularly identify with the desire to understand why people make bad decisions, though mine specifies as why people hurt others. The core issue (as I understand it) is that we have research and we have objective data on how to make high functioning people, what we lack is the will. Which is what Husk and I were talking about earlier. The innate tribalism of humanity means that everyone has those “less valuable” people. Mine are moderately healthy rich people, why should anyone care about them?! They’re doing damn fine by most objective measures, and yet they demand attention because they fear that all they worked for is meaningless, and it is.
Don’t feel bad for being confused by me at least, plenty of people with lots of specific training on the issue still didn’t manage it.
I don’t know how else to help, so I resort tomy artsy means, one of the greatest poems I ever read;
“Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder ‘why, why, why?’
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand.”
– Kurt Vonnegut, Cat’s Cradle
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Woah Woah Woah, you said something I feel a need to natter on about, but can promise nothing as to the helpfulness of it.
”
i think my death was kickstarted by being out of touch with emotion, and being surrounded by people who seem to operate based on stories. i feel like everyone does this, and it makes me devalue everything and everyone
”
We do, don’t we? I’ve never found a better argument against narrative psychology, which is part of my weird specialization. People do tend to dissociate, from emotion as much as anything else. That’s the outcome of trauma supposedly, but given how common it is in “healthy” people, somehow I doubt that’s how it works.
So would you abandon your story, for honest emotions? That is an argument for death.
Now at least I am able to understand some of your distaste towards me, I’m a creature of narrative. I started dissociating young. Lately I’ve been leaning into it, spending most of my time dissociated. The only solid reason I’m alive is I want to control the end of my story, because it is “noble” to resist.
That’s how I understand. I don’t believe in a varifiable afterlife. As far as I can tell dead is dead. All that will be left of me is memory, so what those memories are…. seems like the most important thing in this world. I’d like to be remembered like Dickens or Poe; tortured but with an interesting take on the world.
I’m trying to remember which philosopher said it; whether a life is of value can’t be found out until it is over. My solution to that is to pack my remaining days with what appears to matter. I’ll never know if I’m wrong.
so maybe that justifies your approach; “Judge me for who I’ve been, this is all there will be” in a way?
Now that’s confidence, if I’m right, which I’m often not.
“The core issue (as I understand it) is that we have research and we have objective data on how to make high functioning people, what we lack is the will.”
This stuck out to me, and “The innate tribalism of humanity means that everyone has those “less valuable” people. ”
It might be helpful if you tell me what that research is, because I’d find it a worthy cause I might want to take part in, but it also sounds like you think the research will fail to be put into action forever because of some aspect of human nature.
I don’t dislike being a creature of narrative, I dislike being a creature of narrative that is not authentic. I guess some of what is going on now with me is authentic, but I feel like I am not dying the strongest version of myself, or the most understanding one. I would say we are probably perceived similarly by people in the sense that people also believe I have an interesting take on the world. But you picked up on my distaste, and it is because of two things: 1) I don’t want an interesting take, I want a strong one (whatever that means) and 2) You are someone I feel like I have been roleplaying. Your personality itself is a meme to me. I was told by someone I resembled someone like you, and then I leaned into it. So while I guess it is me right now, it doesn’t really feel like me. And I think you must have emulated/copied, too. And I just find the whole thing disturbing. Maybe not. I don’t know how real you are, aka how justified you are in your story. Maybe you wanted to be interesting.
I think on some level I don’t want to die. I won’t be able to answer that except in my private time, because there ARE reasons I do, but I’m not talking about myself too openly. I think I became depressed, in a bid to both understand and spite other people who have the depressive temperament. I am genuinely for all intents and purposes, depressed. But I did it to myself. I get the sense that you are the “real” thing. And by understand the people who are depressed, I’m talking about the people who are depressed in terms of the lack of meaning. I think I was always annoyed at this depressive tendency in others, because it feels like they shouldn’t have been depressed in the first place. And the reason for a lot of my bad decisions is because I don’t make decisions if I don’t see it first around me. I put the responsibility onto other people to live well. It’s frustration with other people, but I don’t know why – it must have been a narrative of “person fed up with annoying people” type story, and then I followed it. But why would I be fed up? It’s not my life. I acted like the straight man in peoples’ lives, and for what? Why am I reacting to their lives? I guess I just didn’t know I had an option not to. You watch TV, you see people bouncing off other people all the time, and getting into some emotional business. There are no TV shows where people are minding their own business. We have a name for that as young people now. People might say you have “main character energy.” But see, all the terminology from my peers has rotted my brain. You might be trying to do something genuinely helpful in the world, and people with say you have “main character energy” genuinely believing you are a harmful person. I’m not going to lie, I’m one of those people that might think taking a selfie indicates you’re narcissistic, so don’t take me too seriously obviously. Taking a selfie might mean they value sharing with others their life. In any case, I’m among company on SP. But I’m a bit of a shapeshifter. I look and talk like a depressed person, but it is once because I met someone who was depressed (for whatever reason), I thought it was unfounded and annoying, and I also outdid them in that aspect to get them to tell me off. But they never did. And I leaned into the narcissism, the pessimism, and my thought processes actually steered into seeing things more negatively than I was predisposed to. And now I’m undesirable. That pessimistic friend? Once their situation turned around, they left me behind, after saying they would be there for me. It’s probably a bit more nuanced, and I probably became more negative in their lives. I think I was always a lot more pessimistic than I told myself. But when I was a kid, I was very bubbly. Very much so. And it’s laughable but I remember telling myself one day I was going to be antisocial, as if that wouldn’t have negative consequences for me. Well, what you act like can actually affect you. I cried for help as a kid, and I kept crying for help, but nobody did anything, and now I’m in the position I’m in. It’s weird that at a young age, I decided to make my life into a mental health cautionary tale, but it must have been because I saw ignorance in my environment that I wanted to punish. Which doesn’t make sense, because it can’t be punished. I didn’t self preserve.
I don’t want to disassociate. It might be that I kill myself, but I need to know first if that would really make sense to do.
I think I can chalk it up to a lack of imagination on my part that my life is going so poorly, poor understanding of consequences.
I’ve never really been one, but on the spectrum of bully to tortured, I’m going to say I’m a lot closer to “bully” than the more honestly depressive people on this site. The confidence I’m talking about is the pride in the wrong things. I still can’t believe how bad this world is, on both sides of the spectrum. But maybe quaero is right. Maybe there’s something else to “self.”
I’m honestly kind of worried for you if you’re going to disassociate, but rationalization is what everyone does. I’m saying that I feel like my suicide is out of disassociation and if it’s not genuine, then I’m not sure I want to do it. I feel like the saving goal I might have is to put my all into recognizing the emotion I had. What am I feeling, and how does that relate to others? What is the name for my life pattern, and did people have the same idea? The trouble is that people think recognizing your emotions will lead to possibly committing a crime. People insinuate that if you had honest emotions, you would hurt people more often. Another idea that makes people purposefully unhappy. I don’t know that this is true. I think great helpers and pessimistic people are possibly two extremes. What went wrong is that I think we live in a culture that primes us to be unhappy, and I really dislike that. It treats being unhappy or pessimism as the realistic option, the smarter option, when I think problem solving and being positive is a lot more difficult than people realize, and not simply foolish. But it’s not like I can say anything, because at a young age I chose the opposite. The sad thing about it is I think I did that thinking that that was novel, and that people would tell me otherwise, but it’s not novel at all. It’s not novel from the people I meet, and it’s not novel in a lot of society. It’s real, and I was playing at it. And I made my life worse.
I’m honestly kind of detached from all this. I could move on and do other things with my life. This is a game that I have lost, anyway. If I want to be upset about it, I can. If I want to take my life over what I’ve lost, I can. I guess I’m just stunned that other people are not doing well, too. And probably in more tangible ways. I hear the people here on SP, and I’ll be honest and say that if I came into contact with a certain type of person, I might be the one that gets them on this site. Both of us on here for different reasons, but here all the same.
The research bit is relatively simple; a child if given enough food, nurture and education will unavoidably be a positive member of the community. The same applies to adults, give them realistic expectations, a path to improvement and decent living conditions they tend to be kind.
What’s screwed up is most people agree, for their in-group. Heck, I’m no better on the surface, I want it for those I identify with, the left behinds, the ignored and forgotten. But I have to admit, I’d rather everybody have it than very few. I’m not afraid that someone else succeeding will mean less success for me. That’s my countercultural thing.
“I don’t say I’m no better than anybody else, but I’ll be danged if I ain’t just as good”
heh, I’ve certainly done my share of immitating and copying others. I chose to study those I identified with, supposedly to help them but now I wonder if I wasn’t trying to figure out how to better game the system. I honestly wonder and can’t know if something I do is out of kindness or a subtle exploitation anymore. You get low enough, they look the same.
I think I’m haunted by the people and personalities that wouldn’t let me die. I tried to give up on myself. I tried to die. This last time was the least I’ve held myself back. But no matter how clever the plan, how subtle the exit, someone stands in front of it. So I’m alive at any cost. If that cost is relative insanity, that’s a price those that stop me would rather pay than let me go.
I think attachment is the greatest illusion, the idea that anything needs to behave in any particular way, that anything will last, it’s an irrational belief. Everything rots and everything dies, it’s in the nature of things. That’s not a negative in my book, rotting organic matter is essential for new life.
But I want to let other people learn that for themselves. I’ve been waiting on death a long time, but I’m not the one who will pay the price for the attachments of others. I’m the outcome, what happens when people get sentamental about old things that have lost their purpose, their place in the world.
Pickled and preserved, that’s what I am. Shelved in hopes of better days, or worse ones, I can’t tell.
I was not able to update my post without restarting my computer, but I was going to add an addendum before I respond and view your reply. It was weird because it would be addressed to people like you:
I want to say that to the people who are surviving through pessimism and their understanding of the realities of the world, that I applaud them. I knew people like that, or I think I did, and I think they tried to help me. I eventually lost them. I read stuff on here and think about how you are all so much better than me, and I feel a little bit better about my death each time. It almost seems like it’s okay, because we are all born different. The gap between you and me is wide enough that it somewhat reminds me that it wasn’t just my choices or circumstances that shaped me, it was also a predisposition.
Just read this and realized how similar it is to my comment. You’re highly self aware, it’s amazing. Why do you want to die? My guess is you lack purpose. Thus you get involved in stagnant state of feelings and are frustrated by their existence. I guess I’m projecting my own state and finding on you. Ok I’ll be honest and state things as they are in me, in the hope that you may find something relatable or useful in it.
I think what saved me from labyrinth of lies and kept me alive so far is faith in Truth. I cannot convince myself of existence being a prison or a hopeless state. Back then, when I used to live with others, and found all kind of lies in my interaction with others and their interaction with me, and yet feeling the feelings, it frustrated me to no end. I would think “I’m fake, they’re fake, Why am I still compelled to do things? Why do I still feel all these emotions when I interact with them?” I wanted perfection. And being non-perfect gave so much suffering.
Now to talk about faith. I had faith that things cannot be just as they are. One might say that was my purpose: to BE at place where things are as they are. To be at Truth. That’s still my purpose. I cannot be a nihilist because world and myself exist right in front of me, and potential of change is there.
A book recommendation, if I may: Notes from Underground
It helped a lot in my younger years, not because it gave hope or provided solution, but because of relatability. We all want to be understood and I felt like I’m understood by it or by the author that wrote it, which was a relief like no other. Or a part of me.
You’re making the mistake of letting your personality, actions, thoughts define you. Self is deeper than all of that. All these, the way you interact with others, what impact it has on others, what impact it has on you, are plays of self according to its predisposition. That predisposition is not you, nor are you creating it. It’s dust of the journey, journey of you, of your parents, of society, of organisms, going all the way back to that first molecule that replicated itself, whose ‘event’ became our ‘feeling’, setting in us deep rooted needs of food and reproduction which morph into all kind of other needs.
While I can’t say I fully comprehend each strand (my lack of reading comprehension), the frequent truth-bombs are stunning for me. A lot of them articulated for me vague clouds of ideas I’ve struggled to translate into words, so thanks for that.
Only two-bits I’d like to chip in; whenever I consider weaponizing my suicide against the world at large, the thought of whom it’d specifically target stops me cold in my track. The problem with self-destruction as a statement is that you merely end up hurting those very few who love you, no matter whether you love or hate them back. The rest of your immediate society is either indifferent or condescending about the ‘non-event’, even jubilant if you count the sadists/two-faced snakes in your life. I find suicide a philosophical dead-end; a point where there’s just nothing left to say, not even a broad nihilistic comment. We can’t expect closure when we finally decide to act on the idea. But wait I guess your point is that that’s irrelevant since you identify as a pure narcissist in which case excuse my obtuse angle.
i hope You’re safe & okay Cara <3xo
thanks farah. doing a little better, but staying vigilant. hope you are taking care of yourself.