Born and raised in fear, trained to hide my truth, never knew who I was, only the mask I wore. But they always saw through it after a while. The seams in my human suit exposed by some abnormal question or behavior. Eventually, the only way to safety was to hide. I spent most of my childhood hiding and crying from isolation and the abuse of family and peers. No siblings, no one to learn how to be normal.

I entered adulthood a twisted person trying their best. I’d become a martyr to justify my suffering to myself, I tried to rise above want by way of meditation and esoterica. I began to fool people but the lie was that I had not cast off want. I wanted so much and became more angry at the injustice my life was the product of.

Everything was from my own effort in solitude. And now I am middle aged with no one in my life except the woman I betrayed, the one person who actually knows me, and it’s too late to fix anything. I want nothing more than to die. I live only as a promise to her and a determination to not further traumatize her. But the pressure is building and I feel impatient. All day every day I face my failures and regrets. I live in constant shame. And I don’t even have anything waiting for me on the other side of finding peace. Just more isolation. It was cruel to bring me into the world and I shouldn’t be here but I don’t want her to suffer more than I’ve done already. Fate kill me please so she doesn’t feel I’ve abandoned her again. Someone else take the blame and responsibility for me for the first time in my life.