all of it are social ills. i once thought that people committing suicide over words or bullying/harrassment had to be some form of narcissist. but narcissist doesn’t mean bad. in a way, it almost does. i guess bad just means killing people over it, i don’t know, like a school shooter. there was a recent shooting in iowa. but i hear about people who have done things like this and still, some people don’t condemn them. what i hate the most about society is our lack of forethought. i consider myself to be a considerate individual. i think people need to pay more attention to people and their personality traits. they also need to stop moralizing. i guess it’s easier said than done. maybe i live in a world of narcissists. who are into retribution, eye for an eye, and social status. maybe the poor victims of life, are the ones who are interested in social status. at that point, are you really a victim? the only reason i call myself a narcissist is because i feel that reflects the truth. people keep coming up with words like “social anxiety,” is that not an excuse for needing praise? doesn’t that get in the way of you doing good? does someone who does nothing to help others even deserve to live? well, i guess you were wondering what my verdict is: yes. and i think the narcissists on the site don’t really mean to ask that question. it’s an underhanded attempt at getting what they want. you think you want acceptance from people? no, you don’t. you want your life to be a little easier. it’s not that you don’t deserve to live. there is no shame in you. … i don’t really know if i want to look over what i’m typing. i’ve tried to be thoughtful all my life, and it just caused me pain. like i said, i’ve been playing a game. and i think a lot of others also enjoy and play the game. the game of, are humans innately bad or good, or other totally useless questions. to know an individual is enough. to know the story they’re telling you, and themselves, and whether or not it can be an achieved story. to aid them, or to tell them how you feel/to communicate. do not disengage.
i am the way i am because of (quite possibly perceived) social ills, and my own dishonesty. i’m actually thinking of killing myself again, because i was triggered again. for the most part, it was a personal issue. but when you have a personal issue, you start to see others’ issues..you want to see others’ issues. and i have no clue what has been happening around me for my entire life..mostly out of convenience. being ignorant about issues around you doesn’t really help. i’ve been around avoidant people my entire life. i’m the only “warm” person i really know. anyway, i’ve become psychotic. we all make decisions in our lives. i didn’t know people would sympathize with me wanting to kill myself. i really didn’t know. because the people around me sure don’t. they don’t show care. well, it’s really tiring when people don’t share how they feel. because i don’t know, for what good reason, why they wouldn’t, other than self-interest. fine, ignore the person saying they want to kill themselves over, and over, and over again. ask no questions. don’t get a therapist for them immediately. i knew we were all alone in this world, sure, but no one knows how to be an emotional support nowadays, if they ever did.
here’s a question: how many of you are social animals? WHY are you warm towards others? why do you expect them to treat you nicely? is it because you’re a people pleaser? do you need that? people keep telling me i don’t need it. do you only do things, or are things only real to you, when they’re spoken aloud? when you’re with other people? do you let them define you?
4 comments
In regard to the first part it makes me think of the song Faster Horses, particularly the lyric; “He said it don’t do men no good to pray for peace and rain, peace and rain are just a way to say prosperity, and buffalo chips are all it means to me”
I’ve often referred to myself as a recovering people pleaser. I try to be satisfied with the amount of people in my life, regardless of quantity or the time I spend with them. Whether that makes me a social animal is in question. I don’t think I’d ever go in for total isolation
as to why I’m so warm towards others though; I’m lazy, it’s so much easier. I can be abrasive and difficult, it tires me out, but if it’s needed I’ll do it. But being sweet and gentle is easy to me. It’s who I want to be.
I don’t know that I expect them to treat me nicely, just with a basic respect. If someone isn’t willing to treat me with respect, then me staying around them is a form of self degradation. It destroys my self esteem because I start believing I deserve it. My expectations are also in line with what I know a person to be capable of. I don’t expect a toddler to understand social subtleties, or a drug addict either.
It’s an interesting point, about whether others define us. I think observation and description does effect the thing being observed, whether it knows it or not.
At the end of the day though, I care most about my own respect and regard. It was hard to write that pre interview, because vulnerability is hard and so was that. If I can meet my own standards and goals, others are going to give me positive feedback anyway. The standards of the average person are lower than mine though, I could have stopped trying over a decade ago if it was just about what others think of me.
I am who I am, there were times I tried to hide it, but not anymore, or at least that’s the goal.
you seem to comment on a lot of posts. i’m a lurker on here. just wanted to say that i’m not really suicidal per se. i’ve been sensitive to others “stories” or identities my entire life. part of the reason i type the way i do is because of a worry or fear that i lack depth compared to others. it’s pretty easy to ape “depressed person.” in fact, there are a lot of identities I have tried on to size. one could argue they ARE in fact a part of my identity. all i know is that i am fascinated by depression and antisocial tendencies in people. i don’t really have a reason to be depressed myself, in terms of “emotional” content. as far as i know, i’m not experienced enough to have had strong emotions or ups and downs in life. i’ve never been particularly self reflective either, don’t really care about my own pleasures too much, all i know is things need to get better. i’m not really sure that i’m happy, but honestly i think i’ve always been “ok” and assured of my success in life. i came to this website as a result of being around loners or outcasts my whole life, both in my family, and the only friends i sought out to make. i did, in fact, from the beginning, have the capacity to be a social person and get into social rituals. i just abstained. you are all a lot more interesting than me. and i’m not really sure if some of you do it for attention, ie are lying like me. i have my own reasons to be “discontent” but it is all made up. as in, i am not happy with my situation, but it is not a strong emotional feeling like it seems to be with people on this site. you all feel like you are alive and breathing. i am 24 and i have been dead to the world my entire life, creating personas to avoid reality and/or hopefully avoid the mistakes other people have made. reading this site made me learn a couple things. since i don’t really have friends, or people i care about, my theory of mind has gone up a little. i’ll confess i have doubted others’ intelligence for some reason, but when i read some posts i see a logic which, obviously, means sentience. my siblings and my old friends were loners, but the rest of my family is normie. i am a strange individual, without empathy and completely misguided, but this website makes me feel normal because it reminds me that people besides me are actually thinking and operating. it may sound weird to hear, but i thought that i completely owned “type.” like, text on a screen. that that was my identity. but i read the character in the type on other people’s posts, and i learn, that i’m not original. i still don’t really understand the people on this site, or myself. i know, (but have not admitted to anyone around me) that i have lots of opportunity, and that the things i am currently going on about, are mere figments of imagination, just my inventions to fit in with the “troubled”, no REAL emotional identification. the reason i would see a therapist is to figure out what emotions i even have. i seem to have no remorse making other people miserable with my gripes. i am here, also, because it feels real. i know i’m ranting about my life to you, but i need to tell the truth some day. even if it’s inappropriate as a reply. i am a person who is 100% able to get what they want. it’s the people who are unhappy that puzzle me. and i know that there are things that are possibly going to upset me in the future, and saying i’m suicidal gets a point across and gets me attention. so there is a degree of suffering i’m going through that makes me want to reach out. but i (if i’m not totally deluded) get the sense that it’s a very mild suffering compared to how many years of posts on this site. i’m also here because i should really be talking about how much i’ve wasted my life by now, but i don’t. seriously – no experiences in my life. not much at all. internet since 9/10, minimal social contact. all that’s been on my mind is why are people so unhappy, and what the fuck can I do? i guess, first, i gotta start my own life. i’m going to tell you something – i’m very attractive. above average. and i don’t mean this lightly. people have asked me, how the fuck are you not doing anything with your life? you have good looks, you are intelligent (i mean, i’d say i’m average, but what i like about myself is that i am willing to make a positive contribution, and learn..not afraid of looking stupid), you are talented artistically. i’m just going to say it was social pressure. everybody around me has been needlessly misanthropic, and i wanted to fit in. on some level. my sister is one of the most attractive people on this planet, and she sits on her computer, games all day, and has social anxiety. I just have to tell the truth now – anyone who finds me relatable, i’m not the real deal. i’m barely depressed. sorry if i’m being conceited, but it’s the fucking truth. i’ve been a socially confident person since i was a child. i at least want to write down what i really feel on the internet, because i can’t stand the cognitive dissonance. i can’t stand my lying to myself and other people. i’ve been lying since i was around 10. i don’t feel “unhappy.” i come on this website to learn. because you people just seem a lot more knowledgeable about the world. and i was tricked, somewhat, into thinking being happy or fine is a lie. because people are either unhappy with something about life or themselves that has not befallen me *yet* (that’s where the fear comes in), or the media pushes conflict and suffering as the only interesting story to tell. just want to state my motive for being here. i would honestly like to debate or discuss emotion, but if that’s uncomfortable for people and just makes them feel like i’m doubting their experience (because that’s the reality of my mind right now), i would just like to make myself useful or have them give me some guidance on what to do. i personally like you because it seems like you are effecting positive change in the world. not something my misanthropic/normie friends or family are doing. i don’t get people’s up and down emotions, or their pleasure seeking either. my goals in life are pretty simple, and if i died tomorrow, i wouldn’t really consider it a tragedy. i don’t get why people pursue their meaningless little pursuits (probably a faulty view, i’ll work on it), when if you’re anything like me – able bodied, middle class, decent looks and problem solving ability, you can put your focus onto making things better for the worst off. but nobody talks about that shit, it’s not part of popular culture. and yet, it’s the only reasonable thing to do. ah…leave it to me to finally reveal my true colors at age 24. maybe i’m not as altruistic as i think i am, but only time will tell. hey, let me ask you, does doing good feel good? and what does “feeling good” feel like? is it a feeling in your chest? or is life all an invention? in other words, people go about life saying, “i am this” or “this is my nature” and yet.. i’m still at that point in my life where i really don’t think there’s anything fixed about me. i could study anyone on this site, and ape their behavior or text pattern. a lot of this has to do with having old friends who lived in the suburbs who were seemingly upset for no reason, and then when i asked them why years later (i knew the reason why), they gave me the reason i had already known and lowkey despised them for, but the thing that was the worst about it was that they were passing it off like they didn’t know why they were acting that way in the past. like it was this unconscious thing, and not like a conscious choice they made that i saw in real time back then. i think disingenousness has fucked me up real bad. i just don’t want to live a social lie. or an emotional one. i think that one cause i might fight for is making euthanasia legal. i’m fed up with everybody doing whatever the fuck they like with their time, and people pleasing me to death. my friends and family aren’t toxic, but you know what they are? passive as hell. and it’s frustrating to be around people that feel the need to be desirable to other people. i guess i don’t have the real picture. and i’m not saying everything on my mind either.. i guess i’m just tired of not connecting with anyone. and fuck it if my reply has nothing to do with your reply. i’m trying to get a need met here. if you want to respond, you’ll respond, if you won’t, then that’s fine too!
and, like i said (partly fueld because i feel a little bad that i’m being positive about myself on a suicidewebsite), i really do mean it when i say i’d like to do something for a truly depressed person. if you feel like you need some help with something, let me know. and i’m not saying all of you depressed people are all the same. just going to say i might even come on here in the future once i’ve actually made some cash or have an opportunity and help one of you out. i don’t know if it’s because of schadenfreude, but i don’t really think it matters anymore. i’m tired of putting myself down. i’m not even trying to brag, my image is just self positive. and i know that words don’t really matter to any of you on SP, and/or i couldn’t fathom why they would. the main reason i think most of you are on here is poverty. maybe there are other reasons, but i think that’s the most popular one. honestly, my fear is that it might just be whining. that i could help make people’s lives be better, and that this website would still run. i need help discerning the real suffering from the fake. since i am such a talented purveyor of the latter (seemingly. like i said, it’s still a form of discontent, just a smaller one, i’m interpreting). i just really want to stop coming on this website and doing this shit. i guess the question comes down to, again, does doing good feel good? does anything feel good? because i don’t think i’ll ever feel good. and i almost like that idea, because then it forces me to never really be selfish and just focus on making the world a better place, if happiness is a lie. i’m kind of worried i just can’t feel emotion in general. that i won’t ever be “normal.”
honestly also really interested in befriending people from this site. kind of weird to have it as a social hub, but this place represents “sentient” people to me.
i hope whoever looks on this reply in the future can also see a level of ignorance they identify with. i know all of what i’m saying is mostly likely due to inexperience. it’s not often we see posts on suicideproject that are from a place of ignorance or indifference, usually there is some hint of an emotional issue. i’m the personality type that complains a lot, appears really negative on the outside, but on the inside i am more optimistic and positve than most people. i kind of want to apologize for this, but it was what i was around for most of my life, peer-wise. it’s probably also really cringe or ignorant to say, but i sometimes worry i’m a psychopath. not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just that i would like to know what i am and operate from that than be a person who doesn’t know what they’re capable of. i talk in very “cause and effect” fashion most of the time. there’s some distance between me and my actions. in contrast to that, though, lying is not something i really understand or can do well.
part of me thinks that some of the suffering on SP isn’t “real” and moreso has to do with culture. a culture that does not have the right ideas distilled into it in the sense of meaning of life. i don’t really know that is a particularly offensive statement, honestly just tired of the troubles that are more manmade than tangible ones, like social ills.
also wanted to state my exact brand of suffering that led me to SP is pretty niche. not going to really relate to any of you on here, i’m hammering that into my brain.
I’m starting to realize that I’m attracted to pain and outcasts, it’s what’s interesting to me. It came up yesterday in my interview, I’ve been watching a lot of true crime and I realized that I want the details from inside the investigation, details the public will never know, details no normal person wants to know. Real life horrors are the most potent, I’ve found.
I’ve tried to be “normal”, or at least something close. Like you, I’m considered above average intellect, appearance, socially and economically. I come from a two parent household both of whom are relatively healthy adults, it has been a lifetime of coming to terms with how abnormal that now is. If it weren’t for my emotional and authority issues…… well I guess I’ll never know. I managed to stop committing major offences by age 18, and my family’s status means that everything that happened before then will never come out.
but I just seem to need to be in the middle of a whole bunch of people who’s lives don’t work. I’m hoping that I found the way to monetize that, because little else motivates me to the point of putting up with a system of authority. My friend’s and family’s greatest flaw is passivity as well, by my observation most humans are too passive……
but maybe I’m too assertive and rebellious. I tried to beat that down and failed. It would be easier to kill myself, not that I’m in that particular mood at present.
so perhaps my greatest flaw is that I try to relate to everybody, but the reality is that I’m nothing like them, and can never be.
I tend to relate to things in songs most of all, it’s like that song “common people” about a working class guy dating a middle to upper middle class girl, and he tells her she can never be like him, never be like common people because with one decision she can stop living the working class life, she’s putting on being poor because it interests her. I guess that’s where I’ve been, I’m trying to take advantage of my obvious good fortune, because from what I understand that is the most respectful thing I can do for people really in suffering.
I can’t have anything I want, but there’s plenty I can have that others suffer and die trying to get. Unfortunately it isn’t transferable, they’re likely more deserving.
As for me, I still haven’t come to terms with how abnormal my background is. I’d rather talk about it off the internet, though, in private. I also do have some legitimate mental health concerns that are cropping up and inhibiting my progress. I don’t think you should beat down your questioning nature. I thought that because of my good fortune, that I would act like this, but I look at my siblings, who do not act like me really much at all. I’m almost sure it’s dunning-kruger on some part from me. I’m still taking the time to understand myself. And as for people being passive – hey, I’ve been passive too. I’ve been a little misleading in my comment, not purposely, but I’m able to figure things out slowly. There’s a filter over my eyes when it comes to my actual behavior because like I said, mental issues. Unlike you, I do believe that on some level I am like other people. It is the choices we make and what we are exposed to. Maybe that’s what’s holding me back. But I don’t think being passive is inherently bad – actually, it can be better than taking action. About the song thing, kind of reminds me of that artist Grimes. She was born into a good family, but I think she lived in she lived in squalor for a while for interest purposes. Think she tried to explore communism or something without really knowing what she was talking about. I think on some level I don’t want to think about self-interest triumphing over the correct thing. I’ve disassociated a lot. I think it’s great you are taking advantage of your good fortune. You didn’t really answer my question, about if it was fulfilling or not, but I’m sure it increases dopamine or whatever to be useful. Most of the friends I grew up with aren’t as selfish as I think. They’re doing some of their part.
I have my eye on a lot of media, popular and not. One show I like is Beef, on Netflix. A movie I like right now is The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. It’s kind of annoyingly philosophical. But I think it’s cool to see the human population in it. You got your Coriolanuses, your Lucy Gray Bairds, your Sejanuses, and the ones in the arena. I recommend you watch it.