going to try to apply for assisted suicide

and advocate for it or make it more accessible. as well as the other life improving stuff, too. that’s going to be my mission. i screwed up my life out of fear and committed social suicide. this isn’t heroic. that’s what people think but it’s not that at all. i’m killing myself because i can’t stand the mistakes i made. and how they affect me. not how they affect others. people keep interpreting it that way. they only think my life is deserving if i’m of use to others. i probably projected that onto myself. oh well. 

i’ve given up on talking to chatrooms. or the remaining people in my life. i don’t care or like any of them. neither do i any of you on here, but at least some of you aren’t fighting to go on for some purpose. i have no intention of being a good person. i don’t want to live in a world where people are indifferent to my death, for whatever reason. but that’s what it is. this so-called “caring” is just the thoughts-and-prayers kind. and even if people did care about me, it doesn’t matter if I can’t get what I want from life. And I completely failed in that respect. I self sabotaged it, and then I blamed others for causing it (in a weird indirect way). I always wanted to diss life. I don’t really understand others’ pain very well, cognitively I mean, as I have erased the concept of people’s pain (well, I’m familiar with physical pain, but not emotional/social whatever else). I both wanted someone to protect me, and only me, protect my interests, however escalating they may be, but then I also rejected that self. Now my redemption, besides killing myself, is being the one to help others. But I wouldn’t want to do so if they perceived me as a nice person. I guess that’s what I technically would be, but I wouldn’t want them fetishizing that kindness, like many people often do. That would make it meaningless. I want to do so in private. I want to keep others alive. As an extension of what I could never do for myself. ….And there’s a chance I actually wouldn’t help anybody out, actually. The only thing I could do is prevent various forms of physical pain from happening to people. The strange thing about all this is.. this came about because I thought I could weather experience. Being stabbed? Fine. I really hate being mortal. I hate people dying because others bully them, because what’s the fucking point? My whole subconscious philosophy has been nonsense. Not caring about my own feelings, not caring about others’ feelings, almost to the point of not caring about bodily harm. After all, none of us deserve anything! We all only matter because we make something better! But the thought was never finished. Make what better? Why the fuck did I ever think I cared? It was just social conditioning. To get what I want. Behave a certain way. I’m a self-interested person who pretended to be selfless for their own reasons, but didn’t really even fully get there because it was also just to hold up a candle to what I thought my only friends were doing. Make enough of a problem for other people, and they will leave you. Ultimately, they would rather you die if it meant they didn’t have to mind you their entire lives. Just die already! And it’s that entitlement to other people’s attention, to their resources, that has killed me. I don’t even really see a thing wrong with having my mindset. I thought I was being honest, by being the embodiment of human nature. Selfish. You don’t serve my interests? You would be relieved if I were dead because of your own wants and desires? Well..nothing about that is pretty or normal to me. I will die because people have chosen to ignore me, not knowing how to deal with me. Because life, ultimately, to them, is not about helping others. It’s about getting what they can out of life, in an interesting and fun way. When you are no longer interesting, or become a drain on them, you’re gone. I can’t fully understand.. 

I’ll die for nothing. 

Part of it is also not understanding others’ pain. I suspect there’s really nothing for them to be complaining about, and I think..I think seeing people choose complaining over and over again, and seemingly not knowing why..made me feel like, I’ll never be adequate. Nothing I could do could make people feel positively. And I’m starting to realize, that it’s okay that people want to complain. It was me, who demanded good feeling all the time, that must have really seemed off. 

HOWEVER, there was a chance in the past, that I could have been saved. All it took was for people to be calm and detached, just ask me some questions. “Why do you do that?” Instead, for some reason, what I’ve seen from people is that they pretend that they know far more than they do. Oh, they’re acting that way because it’s just who they are! Or, “Oh, I’ll challenge them. I’ll tell them NOT to do something, or that this isn’t what it seems to them! But no explanation. Just condescension all the way through. If you really cared, you wouldn’t give unsolicited advice or act like you know more than I do. ESPECIALLY after condemning me for doing the same thing. But typing it out, here’s the thing..I could take or leave what they say. I have that choice. I just wanted to see them as someone negative. 

I’m very fussy and also lack empathy, almost in an annihilating way. Every person I meet, I don’t actually FEEL a certain way towards them, I think that I think about them. And the stuff that I think is all unreal. So whether it’s a positive thought or a negative one, I don’t believe in any of it. At the core of all of this, is that I don’t trust myself. I don’t actually know what I think about people, and positive things about people or situations, I may doubt. Because there are so many perspectives in life. I am more interested in people’s flaws, but everytime I think about a flaw, I think I am immune. When I think about myself, I want to take myself out because I am just incompatible with living among others. I live in constant fear of their perceptions, which I have already thoroughly destroyed, of my own accord, for no reason. I ask for death because I do not allow myself to be myself. I perceive my fixation on perception and my controlling nature as something possibly that cannot exist. Not really that it’s good.. What I hate about people is that they don’t see, they JUST DON’T SEE that “good” means what the survival advantage/strategy is. And then there are some people that say they are happy when someone they don’t like dies. I used to think that that was cruel but it’s the truth! Everyone’s first priority is themselves. So feeling sorry for anyone else is useless. Either you kill yourself or you don’t. But what is the worst..is that people create whole ideologies around “kindness” and keeping people alive. FOR WHAT? You don’t stick around if something doesn’t flatter or help you in your survival! There’s a limit to your empathy! All we have is sympathy. Real empathy doesn’t exist. 

And that’s why I would love to die. I hate this competitive world. I AM AWARE that it’s fucked up. NO ONE should expect others to help them, it’s not realistic. But you know what? I realized…there are so many more people out there who share this mindset. Of waiting for someone to fulfill them. And I feel nothing for those people either. This push for empathy.. it’s a killer. I was already past the point of no return when someone tried to show me what I was doing to them, possibly as a way to wake me up. What I really need is to die. Nobody can help me anymore. I don’t care about any of your sympathies. It’ll never be okay. Telling me it’s okay will never be okay. What we need is euthanasia. 

I hate moral people. “We help each other out because that’s what we’re supposed to do! :)” No, FINISH THE THOUGHT. You help people out because it’s the best survival strategy. I hate how people were never worried about me acting naively. They never asked me if I was okay. Probably just thought, “Oh, this mfer is clueless, mentally not competent, and I have to step in.” NO, you should’ve thought, “No one’s like that.” Nah, these people really thought they were more in the know than me. That level of arrogance is insane. No one being naive or delusional should be laughed at, they should be worried over. Again, people just trying to help..however what really sours it and makes me reject their notions of help, is because when I offered my perspective, it’s like, “Oh, I know that already! You really think I’m clueless?” Getting offended that I’m assuming I know better than them or something. Sorry, you don’t know everything. Am I supposed to assume that from you? Then why do you keep giving me advice? Aren’t we supposed to know everything? I just feel like something went wrong growing up. I’m tired of the one-upman ship in all areas of my life. I’m tired of it. But I guess that’s how life goes forward. I know we all learn from each other, but a person I met just seemed like they think they know better than most people, while condemning that behavior in others. I think on some level like the people of my past must have wanted me to die. And that’s okay. They can get their wish. Whether they eventually feel bad or not. Remember everyone, it’s a lie to say people will learn that they’ve done wrong. Nobody who does the shit they do in the beginning grows out of it. I don’t even really believe in empathy anymore. I just don’t think anybody really cares about anybody else, and it IS SO OBVIOUS, BECAUSE I DON’T, but we all fabricate the lie! 

None of my thinking is nuanced. I wasn’t capable of it! Or less so than others. Or geared not to have it! And I suffered. I’m not wrong, but I’m not right. The RIGHT thing to do is always life-affirming. IE, look for a solution. But there’s nothing inherently wrong in cutting your life short either. Well, it’s going to be my time. I have no need for positive regard or immortality or any of those delusional things that you all make up to stay alive.

The one thing I can do in this world that might make it all worth it is doing something really big. To affect positive change for the absolutely worst off. To prevent certain things from happening. I hate what my brain did. It made a binary. You have to give up what you want to truly serve, it said. Why? I didn’t have to do that at all. I think I wanted to do it because of all the melodrama I’ve been seeing from people. All of this negative thinking, and why? Why, if you can still be saved? I did this to myself. But I didn’t have to. I did it because other people believed in those self defeating things too. Some part of me thought, “If they did it, it must have been reasoned out on some level, so it’s valid.” BIG MISTAKE. 

I did it to hype myself up, too. Look, I’m humanity’s gift! Look, other people aren’t as altruistic! And then my mind starts to believe that whenever I desire something, WHATEVER IT IS, like food, or to talk to people, or whatever, that I’m committing a sin! I’m tired of it, but it was acceptable to me because I know some people out there do this. BUT WHY? At the core of it all, I’m just imitating some rando’s pain, some rando’s life pattern. 

The problem with me is that I needed to understand something fully before I did anything. After writing this entire post, I’m more convinced that I am autism-adjacent. If I didn’t steal that trait from some rando, anyway. 

These philosophical questions have really fucked with me. It’s a question of gullibility. There’s this video game, “Who’s Lila?” and this character, this malicious entity, I think is trying to mess up the main character or throw him off by spouting some solipsistic shit. Turns out when you don’t reason or analyze something thoroughly, when you don’t do the work, you just take it on, whether you’ve digested it or not. So it’s hard to say you’re really a victim when in reality you’re just not doing your part. 

Ignorance is basically evil. And I was ignorant! So my friends must feel justified in deserting me! Just desserts! If it’s not relief, it’s just desserts. No need to cry for me. No need for me to pity myself. It’s all logical. It’s all a procession of events. The thing is, when somebody stops making sense, you just gotta look out for them. And too many people just let you flail, and flail, and flail. And I brought upon myself what is killing me, and they did basically many things right no matter how much I try to find fault, and it’s still like this. I still stabbed myself (metaphorically), I keep stabbing myself, and they realized that I’m going to die, and now they just can’t see it. They could do nothing for me. And if I said I love these people, it’s just another expression of affirmation. – “I love them because they help me.” Maybe it’s dumb that I’m looking for death to other people, but dumb just means against self interest. And what if you no longer want self interest? 

This is all really strange, I know. SELF INTEREST ISN’T MEANT TO BE EVIL, but that’s what my brain did. What it saw. But this is how it will be. I already know that people on this website are more honest than most. They really don’t care. In the sense that there’s nothing they can do. The only person who can do something now is myself. It’s all up to me now. 

I thought beating yourself up after doing something wrong meant you really cared. But it’s just improvement. The people who have hurt me and moved on are better now, and I still judge them. Because I’ve always been consistent, it’s hard to think that they changed. By not beating themselves up, it really looks like …

just realized I should probably be writing this to myself.