to structure and personalization. taking medication for personality disorder. studying personality psychology and seeing how convoluted it all is. feeling abnormal/not in touch with reality, maybe it has to do with academia. questioning personal agency, not understanding how the world actually works, as in, not being around relatable people. i see a bunch of smart highly literate people online but underestimate people in real life due to their lack of heavy speech, causing a rift in reality processing.
i need a job where i feel competent and inoculated from the outside world. i don’t seek freedom, i seek consistency.
i need to stop being so addicted and use my talents for something. i was thinking i could maybe get over myself and write songs. something with communication. something just like how i’m writing here. it’s always better as a song right? the ennui.i need to stop looking at my dark side so intently. i’d have nothing to write then. a good story is complicated and has drama. i just want to focus on the humdrum goals of life now. how do i secure a partner? scratch that. how do i find someone to date? let’s not talk like dwight schrute. how do i work as part of.a team? it’s just not healthy to go it alone. i need work and some friends. romance can be unhealthy. i’d love to get laid too. i’m so fucking inexperienced when it comes to life’s basics. i don’t have anything together. if anybody actually cared, they would have helped me through my loser phase, but they’re too fucking busy for me! self esteem issues fr. even though it comes naturally to people like me to sit back and watch, everyone needs goals for their minds to remain healthy. my mental health has suffered for forgetting how to be a normal human being. what’s the economy like? what are the steps i can take to achieve something? while that isn’t all we are, we need some of that to appeal to other people sometimes. I won’t push myself too far, but with my mental illness, it seems like I need to push myself a little harder to be mentally ok. i know i’ll never be fully ok, i’ll probably always be a narcissistic little weirdo but I can try to be less of that. my mental peace demands it.