I’ve been sober for 73 days. Lately I’ve been getting nightmares where someone I love is shaking their head in disapproval of my relapse. During the dreams I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack. When I wake up, I feel my heart rate beating really fast. Sometimes the dreams feel so real that I have to double check that I really didn’t relapse before getting out of bed.
I don’t know why but I get this mentality that if I were to relapse then I’d be a failure. I feel like I’d be hopeless if I did relapse. I feel like I’d probably burn it all down ( so to speak) and it’s because in the past I really would burn all of my progress down after relapsing even though I can just put the drink down and get back on the horse. I have to admit that I wasted money on however many drinks I bought and then throw them away. I have to admit that the damage was already done the moment I decide to buy the drinks. I think throwing an unopened drink away would be better than drinking it despite having paid for it.
I can say and type this acknowledgement down but I fear I may not be able to do so when I do relapse. I don’t plan to relapse but I know it’s always a very real possibility that I may have to face somewhere down the road. I met a guy in jail who was in his 40’s who ended up back in jail after being sober for over 17 years. He said all it took was 1 night of drinking to screw everything up. He was a lawyer, had a wife and kids and now he’s in prison serving a 3 year sentence because he drank and drove again.
I think the key is to remind myself where I came from and where I can end up again if I think about drinking again. I now see why the guys in the treatment centers advised me to continue attending AA meetings and working the 12 steps.
I tried making excuses for myself, saying that I wasn’t alcoholic because I was only drinking to self-medicate my Avoidant Personality Disorder but now I see that regardless of why I drink when I do, alcohol must never enter the picture again. I am an alcoholic even though the core problem is my AVPD.
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2 comments
Keep up the good fight. Personally, I think even if someone relapses it’s still better to have x days or weeks of being sober than be an alcoholic the whole time. Having that all or none mentally makes ppl not try anymore.
Say for example someone was trying to diet and lost 20lbs. But one day he binges and eats a ton of junk food. Well, should he say fuck it, I messed up so I won’t stay on the diet anymore? Or should he say, I fucked up, but ok, lemme try again, and if I fuck up, I still did more good than fuck up. And he continues to diet and loses another 10lbs. Then he binges again, gains 5lbs back. Then he decides to try again. and loses another 10lbs.
Personally, I think relapses happen to most ppl, and if you do, the logical thing is to pick yourself back up and go back on the horse, instead of giving up entirely. I know, easier said than done.
Congrats on 73d. If you fuck up, get back on and try again.
I just wanted to say, it’s a hard journey you’re on, so kudos for 73 days of sobriety.
With any kind of addiction, those nightmares and temptations remain and it’s challenging. It sounds like you’re already taking a lot of the right steps as is, and I wouldn’t have the best advice as is, but I will say, I understand the nightmares, the weird dreams that feel real and that mess with you when you’re awake. They’re dreams and they aren’t real at the end of the day. I’ve had to force myself to acknowledge that and have actual real life pressing things wipe the effects of those dreams from my head, even though it’s hard sometimes.
I think you’re doing well as it stands though. Avoid alcohol like the plague as well, so the temptation isn’t there. I genuinely believe in you, you can keep this good progress going.
Be well,
T, the trulymindless1