I was wondering if anyone else has truly given up on trying to find a lover/soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. Is that too much for you to accept? That you’ll be alone for your short lifespan. I know I’ve made peace with it and I’m only 23 years old. But I know where I stand in this. I now live for a different purpose than the one most suburbia people strive for. I don’t want to have that relationship anymore…..I never had one and I don’t care anymore. I’m not turning into an incel….I refuse to think that way. To become an incel you have to feel like the world did you dirty. Well I don’t feel that way. I simply realize and accept that I will be alone forever. I’m okay with that. After I’ve always had a deep desire for something else in this life. The urge to truly commit my life to contributing something to society before I leave. I know nothing lasts forever. This planet will be gone someday and so long term nothing really matters but short term I can at the very least do something for those of you who succeeded in being human. I am here for you all. My happiness is selfish so I refuse to try anymore. All that does is create more heartache but I’ve found an escape to that madness. If I refuse deep connection, if I refuse to desire then there will never be anymore heartache in me. No I now live to better this world in my own way. I have a mission to complete and there’s just no time for love. That’ll be my perfect excuse. I’m too broken of a man that even if women take interest in me or show signs nowadays I immediately ensure that I don’t even make the slightest response. I don’t deserve that and I don’t want that kind of thing anymore. I’ll never feel that way ever again. Call me a loser if you wish it really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve tasted ridicule and taunting like it’s all I’ve ever known. I’m numb to that stuff. Some people don’t like to hear this because they still believe in it for themselves but it’s my life….I can choose this route if I wish. After all it is only in our DNA to desire a “partner”….but that’s precisely my point. I don’t feel human anymore.
I’m asking this not because I got dealt a bad hand but rather because I just don’t understand the purpose of life. Even when things were going right in my life I still asked this question and so I’ve always kinda been depressed about life in general. What are we here for? What’s my purpose and whats the purpose of other peoples lives? If this planet will be gone someday then what’ s the point? No one really leaves their mark. That’s just way to make oneself feel better about themselves. 50 years is nothing, 100 years is nothing, 2000 years is nothing, 500,000 years is nothing in comparison to how long this universe has been around….so the smart people say. And if that’s true then that makes me feel insignificant. It doesn’t matter how much I learn or how strong I become physically. I don’t know of a human that can lift 4,000 pounds. Humans like to think we’re so mighty and great but we’re just flesh and blood. it doesn’t matter how tough you think you are….in the end we all perish. In the end even if you Bench Press the Guiness world record there are still more powerful forces than you. This concept of always competing seems like such a waste of energy. Always trying to be the best worker at your job, always trying to be the best partner in a relationship, always trying to be the healthiest, always trying to be the most attractive, always trying to be the most wealthy, etc. It’s all just too much for me. I don’t think I want to be human anymore. It’s such a ***** to live. Why keep going? It’s always gonna go me against the world just like for everyone else. Some love competition but I don’t. I guess it really goes like the saying….only the strongest survive. The weak suffer the burden of feeling like nothing while the strong feel the burden of always having to work their ass off for something that wont last forever. Whether you leave your mark or not it all disappears someday and even when your mark is still here there’s no guarantee anyone will give a shit about what you did in your lifetime. Everything will be gone someday and no one will remember anybody. What’s all the fear about being forgotten if it’s only natural? Everyone will be forgotten eventually someday. And at the end of our life we’re nothing but a lump of disgusting flesh and bone. If you’ve ever seen a dead body before then you know what I mean. It’s a horrible and pathetic sight of our nature. You can be the most attractive live person in the world but as soon as you die and nature decides to take your flesh back……You look like disgusting filth and you stink.
I won’t subject myself to anymore ridicule and shame. I have decided that I don’t wanna pursue a relationship anymore. Why? Well because I hate that feeling of rejection. I hate it so much that I will avoid the possibility of it happening at all costs. I have discovered that I can actually still live a fulfilling life even without a significant other, gf, wife, soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. I know why women have rejected me. I will admit and own up to my flaws. I will work on my flaws and this will be an ongoing process from now on. But I won’t ever allow myself to connect with women anymore even after I’ve become a stronger version of myself. Instead I will focus on my other purposes in life. I don’t hate women, I’m simply so hurt that I’m in a permanent defensive mode. I don’t ever wanna feel the pain again. I’d rather die then feel that pain of rejection. I’m just not a dateable person. The truth is that even if I did become rich and strong I’m still a trash of a man in my own eyes. And I suppose if that did happen and i did become rich and strong I’d have more attention but I’d honestly ignore it because it just feels shallow to me. Nobody cares about you until you become that big popular rich new famous guy on the block and that’s just a real turn off for me. If I did become somebody like that Id honestly have less fish in the sea to find because I’d purposely ignore all the fame from women. I will be a virgin till death and I’m okay with that. What I’m depressed about is how I can’t rewind time and make a few different choices that would’ve allowed me to develop into a normal man. Everyone says there’s no such thing as normal but I know damn well what’s crazy and that describes me. I’m a crazy man who refuses love. Im ignoring something that’s built into my DNA…..now that’s crazy! But humans are able to do that somehow. I’m my case it’s not really choice but I have the ability to be okay with it in my mind and stop desiring. If I desire then I will always feel empty so I must default to feeling nothing. No instead my purpose in life is to serve those who are not fuck ups like me. I will be working in the background but I will still be contributing to society. I will still have a purpose in life. I may never meet someone but I will for damn sure have a purpose in this life. Pity me all you want, I still won’t change my mind. I’m too fucked up to change. I’m too scarred. And when I say this I’m not referring to relationships. I’m referring to something darker that is preventing me from even allowing myself to form a romantic bond with anybody. I am seriously too scarred and I know it. No one can heal me except me. Not a woman, not a friend, not a brother….no one….just me. I am suicidal because of something else that eats me up everyday until I die.
Anyone else feel it? It feels like there’s more and more horrible things happening as time passes recently. People seem more angry and egotistical lately. My only escape from this reality has been booze and comedy. It’s like you can feel their negative energy. It’s scaring me to be honest. I’ve been hiding inside all day today because of this feeling. I have to go to work tomorrow but I guess I’ll just have to make the best of it and hopefully not piss anyone off on the road or at work. Maybe it’s due to Winter…..I don’t know maybe it’s just random or it’s all in my head. Perhaps I’m only seeing the negatives because I’m only focusing on the negatives. I kinda got caught up in the mess myself for a day before Christmas. I even almost went to jail because of it. Luckily it reached its peak when I got into a road rage incident with some dude. Surprisingly it ended up with us going out for lunch and becoming friends. I was almost gonna spend Christmas Eve in jail. Good thing we both told our egos to fuck off.
I stood up for myself a couple weeks ago with a passive aggressive coworker of mine and it felt pretty good. At my job there’s a lot of physical work to be done and it often requires more than 1 person to get it done as it’s sometimes impossible to do it on your own and it’s more time consuming even if you can do it on your own. But anyways me and this coworker of mine were loading huge storage unit doors onto a pallet. This particular coworker always seems to be in a bad mood or always trying to prove how tough he is to everyone by being passive aggressive and grabbing people’s arms when he wants to say something to them. He had done it to me before because he figured I was a nice easy going guy which I am. But 2 weeks ago I had enough with him and his testing. He kept asking me why I never reacted much to any of his taunts or ever replied to any of his trash talk and I simply said “I don’t feel like saying anything”. For some reason this pissed him off and started being more passive aggressive the rest of the day. When we pick up the doors at work we have to usually carry them over other things that get in the way and force us to sometimes extend our arms so that we can create more space and walk around these things. I noticed he started cheating more on his side and making me extend my arms more during these situations so as to show who was boss. He kept jerking the door more towards his way so that I had to struggle more by extending my arms straight in front of me. So I was pretty much doing front raises like at the gym but unlike the gym I’m not aloud to just simply drop this door and damage it or else. If I wanted to bring my body closer to the door then I’d risk losing my balance and falling over due to all the railings right below our knees in front of us. This kept going on for a while until he made it very obvious that he just had a bad case of ASMS(Angry Skinny Man syndrome). He started asking me why I didn’t wanna make eye contact with him while we were moving the doors and I just simply said that I didn’t want to because we weren’t really talking much. Then he took this as a sign of weakness and started asking why I was afraid of him. So I decided I’d show him how strong I really was and how 2 can play his game. I started doing exactly what he was doing to me at first and pulling the door more towards me so that he had to extend his arms. Only there was a difference this time. He couldn’t pull back whenever he tried to get the door closer to him again. And when he did try to I’d sometimes let him have it back closer in an obvious way and look him straight in the eye only this time without my usual smiley face that I tend to have everyday. I wasn’t looking angry but I made it obvious that I wasn’t having any of his shit anymore. Subtle signs of weakness that I usually displayed were replaced with subtle signs of strength that day. Instead of movin around sluggishly I moved around with energy and motivation. Instead of opting for lighter doors I started lifting heavier doors. Instead of letting people invade my personal space I started holding my ground and letting them move instead of me. Eventually he started letting off and although there wasn’t a physical altercation between the two of us he eventually learned that I wasn’t weak like he had thought at first. And I wasn’t as weak as I thought I was. I’m not saying I could’ve kicked his ass but I had comfort in knowing that I would be down to do so if it came to that. I had comfort in knowing that I did give a shit about me. It’s just little things like that people do to see if they can mess with you. The more you show signs of weakness the more they will try and test your patience.
I feel a void in myself. I feel so numb lately. I’m missing something from my life. Life feels so empty. There’s no excitement in it for me anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I just feel lost. I’m not happy or sad. I just feel emotionless and I think that’s worse. Although from a former perspective I should feel sad but I can’t even shed a tear some days because even that’s too much work. Just one tear today and it was from looking at a beautiful picture someone had taken and posted online. Maybe it was a reminder of what I am missing out on in life. I suppose it’s quite obvious what’s wrong with me. I spend too much time working, sleeping, and staring at a screen. I wanna get out there and try new things but I can’t exactly just stop working. I don’t know…..maybe I’m overthinking it. Perhaps I’m just afraid I’ll feel the same even after I go out there and try new things. But that picture made me feel otherwise so perhaps I should just go out there within the next couple days. The thing is, I can actually go to that exact same spot in the picture I saw and it’s less than 30 miles away from me. I just wanna feel human again. I feel like a robot in front of my screen. I just want to disconnect and start connecting with nature and the beautiful things in life…..I’m gonna do just that here in a couple days. Something just tells me I should go there to find some peace so that’s what I’ll do. And I’m gonna start learning how to play the piano already. I’m so afraid to try for some reason. But I’m done watching life on the sidelines. I want to experience life in all its cycles even it’s unpleasant ones. Any feeling is better than my current one. Heck I’m not even feeling anything right now. I feel like I’ve been dead inside for years now…like I’ve wasted my early years of life. Ever since I was in sophomore year of high school till now I’ve progressively gotten worse and worse. At first I felt really sad and at times could even feel anger but now I’m just so numb. I’m now 23 and the years seem to be disappearing right before my eyes almost like I’ve been on autopilot for the past 7-8 years. I wanna feel alive again.
I feel this way all thr damn time! I’m sicken tired of having to use the booze to calm down. I’m so damn scared all the time. I don’t think i can ever heal. The pills don’t fucking work! I need the harder stuff thats actually legal like Xanax. My situation is so bad because I get all tense and people think I’m pissed at the world due to my facial muscles. When I’m super nervous my face gets tense too and so i end up looking like im mad….but im not. I hate my body for this but if my mind could simply stop thinking stupid things all the damn time then this wouldn’t even be an issue. My mind just wont shut the fuck up. I’m paranoid all the time unless I drink alcohol. The pills they gave me only worked once and after that it seemed like my body became immune to its effects. I feel like I have the worst biological make up on this planet. Whats the point of living if I can’t even interact with other humans or if I make people uncomfortable! Life is a *****! I’m a bad apple. I’ll never be good enough for this world because I’m such a fucking *****. I hate myself.
I hate it because people want to celebrate a day for someone as trashy as me. They shouldn’t bother to do anything for me. I really don’t understand why they even celebrate it and insist I come over for dinner. I haven’t been over to theirs because I always forget or I’m always too broke to even buy them a gift. Oftentimes I am too busy at work to go to their celebrations. Honestly I always feel awkward when people start calling me and texting me to wish me a happy birthday. I’m glad that they remember but this is exactly the reason why it bothers me. I should know their birthdays. I need to memorize the dates.
I’m an alcoholic. I hate it so much because I feel like have no control over my feelings and how I react to certain things. I only drink because I’m so anxious all the time. I wish I could just relax but I take everything so negatively. People like to tease me at work and so I use alcohol as a way to relax and laugh it off but its starting to get pricey as well as unhealthy. I haven’t gone a day without drinking in months now…maybe a couple years. Its every day. And my tolerance keeps getting greater and greater. I know what I have to do but I’m scared. I feel like having a panic attack when I dont drink. I figure everyone belittles me and ridicules me because I’m just a scrawny single cashier. It sucks because so many people like to say horrible things to me and laugh at me for being a weak man. I should be stronger than this at my age but I’m not. I could’ve graduated college by now if I had gone on like the rest of the people my age. I’m a failure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a man. I notice that scrawny men get picked on more. Do I seriously have to get big and huge just for people to quit f***ing with me? So animalistic! I guess I won’t fight the truth anymore. If getting muscular is what will lessen trash talk then so be it. The physical pain is nothing compared to the constant insults I receive.
I’m done. I’ve had enough of Arizona. This place is literally my own personal version of hell on earth. I was born in AZ but it doesn’t mean I have to love it. My skin hates it so much. Triple digit temperatures all week are no fun when you gotta walk 15miles just to get to work. The careless peeps who run my side of town won’t build or expand public transportation in many neglected areas out here. I have a car now but I remember when I didn’t have one and arriving to work smelling like shit from sweating on my way there. Besides the weather, I have nothing but painful memories here. I hate seeing certain places that remind of bad memories. I guess I can thank my broken family for that. I’m abandoning them and unfortunately I can’t tell them where I’m going because I don’t want them to follow. There’s a few that I will miss so much but I know if I tell them where I’ll be going then they’ll just pass the word around to the rest. I’m doing this for me and hopefully for my future children if I ever get the opportunity to have some of my own. I’ll be moving to New Mexico. I don’t have much to lose. All I need is me and my car. Obviously it would be wise to secure a job over there first as well as an apartment. I’m not that naive to think I can just get up and go without any roadblocks. This is why I will be preparing for 1 year. I’ve done my research on communities and the environment over there. I’m well aware that I will be needing a new driver’s license as well. I can go on and on about how much I’ve thought this through just to prove that I have in fact researched enough. But my decision has been made.
Everything I own can fit in my small car so theres one less roadblock most people face when moving. The minimum wage may be lower over there but so is their housing prices. $9 an hour will be their minimum wage starting next year. Found many studio apartments for $500-$700. That’s an easy price to pay in my opinion. A little over a weeks worth of work and I have enough to rent a studio apartment already with the income tax rate in between 1.7% – 4.9%. In comparison to Arizona’s 2.59% – 4.54%. And many decent apartments out here cost a lot more between the ranges of $775-$950. People say that’s cheap in comparison to other places but if I can go cheaper without sacrificing safety and quality then WHY NOT?! And yes there are cheaper apartments out here that only charge $500 per month but those are the ones located in areas populated with gangbangers, drunk college students and crackheads as well as prostitutes. I’m sure this happens in every state but the key is knowing which areas to stay away from. Anyways I’m absolutely certain that I will love New Mexico. I’m tired of being trapped in Arizona aka satans fiery asshole. This place is getting too crowded anyway with the high rates of population growth every year here. And the natural formations out there look beautiful….at least based on what I can see from the pictures. I’ll be going out for walks, hikes more often once I get out there.
Yeah there might be a handful of racists out there but I don’t give a shit. I may be a Chicano but I wont give into fear. I don’t want to think that every white and black dude is out to get me simply because they’re a different color than me. The racist peeps are only a minority found in every race. But I refuse to build a defensive mechanism of “being on the lookout” all the damn time around people who look different than me. I know reality doesn’t care about my feelings. But the only way I know how to stay sane is by giving all humans a decent chance. As long as we can respect each other then we’re cool. Other Chicanos are always questioning my mentality because they fear being able to share a meal with others who look or talk different from them. I can assure you that it’s not impossible for people to get along simply because they’re different in appearance. It’s children of immigrants that understand what it’s like to live two different cultures at once never really understanding why this thing creates so much divide. It’s like I do understand but I dont at the same time because I’ll be watching all these American tv shows while eating tamales or listening to Linkin Park while playing a game of Loteria or arguing with my mom in English while she replies in Spanish. Sometimes my parents will say things like “you’re whitewashed” simply because I prefer nu-metal music over some Spanish music. Oh and don’t get me started on how much my diet differs from theirs. I’ll be cooking lasagna or Pho(vietnamese food btw) for dinner and they’ll ask me why I didn’t cook menudo, chilaquiles, etc instead. I don’t know what the fuck I am at times but I just know that i have my likes and dislikes just like everyone else. But I refuse to quit playing Halo and watching American football simply because its “not Mexican”. Like I don’t give a shit. This is all I’ve known. You decided to have kids in a different country so dont be so surprised that I prefer Hershey’s over Pelon pelon Rico or donuts over pan dulce. A part of me hates them for separating me from a world that they insist is my true heritage but a part of me is glad too because the only brown brothers I have a real connection with are my blood brothers. The ones who came out of the same woman as I did. I have my own mind, I refuse to be part of a collective thinking. At the end of the day every human technically has their own culture. All of my brothers grew up in the same family yet we all different tastes in food, clothing, friends, music, games, etc. Life is too complex for me to not wanna try a little of everything enjoyable in this world. Imagine going through life never seeing the beach once in your whole life in person with your own two eyes or one if that’s your case. Many humans die with many experiences but we also die with many inexperiences as well. So why limit our ability to experience enjoyable things in life simply because the culture is a little different? I just don’t get that mentality. I may be odd but I often catch myself wanting to understand people who are very different from me despite being one of the minorities in my country.
I cut people off when they start getting close to me because I’m afraid of how great our companionship can be. I feel like I’m afraid of happiness because I know it doesn’t last very long. I refused to talk to anyone who was “gaining on me” today for this reason. I feel regretful for letting them in this much but I’m also glad at the same time. Does this make me a sociopath? Am I too fucked up to ever give friendship a chance ever again?
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately but I like it. I am such a nervous wreck usually but lately I’ve been able to keep my cool. I recently stopped drinking. Its been 4 days so far. I know it’s not long but its a step in the right direction. I was drinking every day for 4 years and some of this year. The odd thing about this is that I didn’t go through withdrawal after going cold turkey. I don’t even care what people think of me anymore….at least not a ridiculous amount. I still treat people kindly and with respect but now I don’t take myself too seriously anymore and so that helps me be happy. I suppose I learned something from my alcohol abuse. I learned that nobody’s opinion of me really actually affects me in any way most often. And so I sort of kept this part of my old drunk self. Its almost as if it was all just one giant experiment. I learned how to stop overanalyzing my mistakes and shortcomings as well as how people perceive me. But I also learned why I should quit drinking. Its because the negatives outweigh the positives. It took me 4 years to realize that I’m not the center of the universe and that it’s okay to make mistakes and laugh at yourself. It’s okay if I’m not the tallest, rich, most athletic, most well spoken human. All that matters is that we continue bettering ourselves for ourselves and those we truly care about like family and friends. Although I must say that I’m not completely quitting on drinking. I’ll still have a drink or two on special occasions like parties. I won’t demonize alcohol. I will however demonize the abuse of it. I don’t need to use it as a crutch anymore and it feels pretty good. No more heartburn, vomiting, headaches, or dizziness. It feels awesome and so energetic to be sober again. It’s time to move on and grow some more. Come at me again life! I’ll keep swinging until I’m dead so what’s next?!
Yeah I was drunk but I still did my job better than all of my coworkers despite being under the influence of alcohol. The truth is they’re just jealous that I’m a drunken master. My skills actually improve when I’m drunk so I guess you can say I’m a high functioning alcoholic. Of course I’m using a cheat code. It just sucks how xanax and other prescription drugs are considered the “right” way to fight social anxiety and alcohol is demonized. I made it a point to not hold back once I got back to work all drunk. The looks on their faces were worth getting drunk. Of course they ended up nitpicking the fuck out of every small mistake I made because they could tell I was trying really hard to do things above and beyond. They don’t have to worry however, I ain’t trying to one up them. I did all this for the customers and my paycheck of course. I don’t care about making 25 cent raises at a grocery store. They don’t have to worry about me using alcohol as liquid courage to flirt with all the taken ladies at work who are just looking for attention. It’s amusing how many desperate men actually think these women are single. On top of that they most likely ain’t trying to date a grocery store hall-of-lame clerk. Single lonely pathetic men in these low end jobs are better off bettering themselves as much as possible so that they can actually have some decent qualities to offer to a woman once they move up in the world. Money ain’t everything but it is pretty damn important in most people’s lives. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking there’s such thing as a free meal economically speaking.
I actually became employee of the month after my first two weeks of work because I just outworked all these crybabies bitching about cashier work. One of the easiest jobs out there if you ain’t an overly sensitive *****. Try construction or working out in the oilfields for a day then you’ll know what hard work is. Cashier work is like playing Halo on Easy mode. All these other cashiers are softies. All they do is complain about how shitty they think they have it but a lot of them have never really had a tough job. Anyways I’m just ranting off some steam. Most of this is just gibberish but I believe I made a couple valid points here and there throughout this post even if it hurts somebody’s feelings.
I’m sicken tired of search results on YouTube being so biased. Everytime I look up physical abuse, I see results pop up mostly only involving women. Like wtf, women aren’t the only ones affected by this! How about we give the children some attention for once! It affects the children way more in my opinion. The mother had more power to end it than the child and YouTube wants to be biased?! As if the wife or girlfriend is the only one affected by the piece of shit husband or boyfriend! I take it as an insult on my pain. It’s as if YouTube is trying to say that women are the only ones affected by this.
I recently entered adulthood…I mean it wasn’t that recent but I’m 22yrs old now so I’m still kinda new. It seems the older I get, the more innocence I lose. I start learning more and more horrible truths about this world and it’s inhabitants. I can sense the negativity every waking second nowadays. I ain’t innocent from doing some horrible things myself but at least I make a conscious effort to sway away from negativity. I treat people with kindness and I really try my best to not judge people so harshly. And yes work can suck but I actually try to make the best of my time at work, even have fun with it sometimes. Yet when I try to stay positive there always seems to be a handful of people who will always try to bring me down. I don’t understand why people gotta be so bitter about life. I have had some horrible days and some horrible treatment but I wont let that negativity consume me. I have forgiven all my 10 bullies and my once physically abusive father. I live happier because of my ability to forgive. Some of these bullies didn’t even deserve my forgiveness but I did it for me, so that I don’t become that bully someday or feel like a victim for the rest of my life. I know revenge and anger won’t make me feel better…those two concepts are empty and meaningless. We like to think we’re so advanced with all of our technology nowadays, upgrading our cars, phones, video games, tv’s, and houses but we neglect our ability to upgrade our human kindness. It is possible, I’ve met some pretty negative people who have changed their lives because they’ve learned to forgive and not carry so much hate in their hearts. Children may not know much about creating businesses, selling houses, fixing cars, or even speaking in many instances but they are a reminder of how gentle we humans can be and should be for the better future of mankind. Anyways I just wanted to speak my mind.
I haven’t felt this way in a while. It happens very rarely with me even when I should feel this way but i think I’ll let it have it’s expression for a change. I rarely get angry. I’m always really calm and easygoing but after cowering in my room for 5 days straight and not doing anything but sitting on my bed all day and napping here and there with a couple sides of deep thought…..I’ve had enough of just simply existing. I have 2 job interviews tomorrow so I guess that’s something to look forward to. I suppose it’s healthy to release some pent up energy. I feel like I haven’t existed for my past 4 years. This isn’t the first time that I’ve locked myself in my room for days on end. I once stayed inside for 8 months. It sucks when this happens. Luckily for me I have a caring family who understands my illness but still, I mustn’t keep this up. I refuse to just give up. I have to get back out there again. I’m a pathetic man. I’ve got no balls! I need to grow a pair and face the world. It’s the only way I will leave my dad’s home. It’s the only way I will ever have a chance at finding my purpose in life. First I must admit my setbacks. I am a scrawny college dropout with $300 in debt to LA fitness (soon to be $750), I am a nervous wreck with severe social anxiety, I am an alcoholic, and I’ve pushed away most people who have tried to help me. I need to change right now. If I keep this up….fuck that, I won’t let it keep going like this.
Man it sucks living with 4 siblings who don’t like the music you listen to. I listen to Disturbed, Linkin Park, Korn, Drowning Pool, Pantera, Static-X, etc. But they listen to rap and hip-hop so whenever we hang out that’s all they listen to because the majority gets to pick the whats playing like 95% of the time. I need to find some friends I can relate to on the music side of things. It sucks when they’re having these rap conversations and I’m just sitting there sippin on my brew silently while they conversate about a bunch of rap stuff they like. Everyone tells me that I just haven’t heard the right artists yet or the right songs but I swear I’ve heard thousands of rap songs and I still can’t enjoy more than like 9 songs. I’ve tried mainstream and underground and still nothing pleases my ears in this genre all that much. I don’t hate rap but I hate how lonely it feels to be the only one who listens to the stuff I listen to. It’d be nice to have a homie that I could listen to some nu-metal while drinking beers or something.
My dad is such an angry bastard sometimes. It drains the fuck out of everyone around him. He’s scary when he’s angry. And all this grunting and cussing over 1 dirty dish that my dumbass brother didn’t clean. He starts acting like an animal sometimes when he gets like this. He’ll punch holes in the wall, scream, smash random things, slam doors, and do everything else the Incredible Hulk does when he’s angry. What’s even more pathetic is that I’m a broke 22 year old college dropout still living with the likes of him. It’s scary because he’s done worse in the past. He’s kinda physically abusive. In the past he was worse. And no it wasn’t due to alcohol….as a matter of fact I wish he would drink more often because that’s the only thing that calms him down besides ESPN. Should I just pack my shit and leave soon? I’m already a lost cause. It’s too late to make anything out of myself even if I’m not paying any bills around here. I’d rather have my own place away from crazy angry animals then suffer emotionally. I figure if my mind ain’t right then nothing else can work out right and so far that philosophy has proven to be true. I’d rather pay bills then be someones punching bag. At this point I’m so traumatized that simple things bring me great happiness. I could have my own apartment room with little to no ‘things’ inside and I’d be at peace just as long as I’m not having to avoid stepping on eggshells all day. If anything it’s like avoiding stepping on land-mines. And no it’s not one of those simple slaps on the wrist or simple raise of voice, this man gets FURIOUS over the most petty things. He’s thrown me, scratched me, kicked me, screamed in my face while shaking me violently, etc. I’m a pathetic dumbass for moving back in here.