I feel a void in myself. I feel so numb lately. I’m missing something from my life. Life feels so empty. There’s no excitement in it for me anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I just feel lost. I’m not happy or sad. I just feel emotionless and I think that’s worse. Although from a former perspective I should feel sad but I can’t even shed a tear some days because even that’s too much work. Just one tear today and it was from looking at a beautiful picture someone had taken and posted online. Maybe it was a reminder of what I am missing out on in life. I suppose it’s quite obvious what’s wrong with me. I spend too much time working, sleeping, and staring at a screen. I wanna get out there and try new things but I can’t exactly just stop working. I don’t know…..maybe I’m overthinking it. Perhaps I’m just afraid I’ll feel the same even after I go out there and try new things. But that picture made me feel otherwise so perhaps I should just go out there within the next couple days. The thing is, I can actually go to that exact same spot in the picture I saw and it’s less than 30 miles away from me. I just wanna feel human again. I feel like a robot in front of my screen. I just want to disconnect and start connecting with nature and the beautiful things in life…..I’m gonna do just that here in a couple days. Something just tells me I should go there to find some peace so that’s what I’ll do. And I’m gonna start learning how to play the piano already. I’m so afraid to try for some reason. But I’m done watching life on the sidelines. I want to experience life in all its cycles even it’s unpleasant ones. Any feeling is better than my current one. Heck I’m not even feeling anything right now. I feel like I’ve been dead inside for years now…like I’ve wasted my early years of life. Ever since I was in sophomore year of high school till now I’ve progressively gotten worse and worse. At first I felt really sad and at times could even feel anger but now I’m just so numb. I’m now 23 and the years seem to be disappearing right before my eyes almost like I’ve been on autopilot for the past 7-8 years. I wanna feel alive again.
I feel this way all thr damn time! I’m sicken tired of having to use the booze to calm down. I’m so damn scared all the time. I don’t think i can ever heal. The pills don’t fucking work! I need the harder stuff thats actually legal like Xanax. My situation is so bad because I get all tense and people think I’m pissed at the world due to my facial muscles. When I’m super nervous my face gets tense too and so i end up looking like im mad….but im not. I hate my body for this but if my mind could simply stop thinking stupid things all the damn time then this wouldn’t even be an issue. My mind just wont shut the fuck up. I’m paranoid all the time unless I drink alcohol. The pills they gave me only worked once and after that it seemed like my body became immune to its effects. I feel like I have the worst biological make up on this planet. Whats the point of living if I can’t even interact with other humans or if I make people uncomfortable! Life is a *****! I’m a bad apple. I’ll never be good enough for this world because I’m such a fucking *****. I hate myself.
I hate it because people want to celebrate a day for someone as trashy as me. They shouldn’t bother to do anything for me. I really don’t understand why they even celebrate it and insist I come over for dinner. I haven’t been over to theirs because I always forget or I’m always too broke to even buy them a gift. Oftentimes I am too busy at work to go to their celebrations. Honestly I always feel awkward when people start calling me and texting me to wish me a happy birthday. I’m glad that they remember but this is exactly the reason why it bothers me. I should know their birthdays. I need to memorize the dates.
I’m an alcoholic. I hate it so much because I feel like have no control over my feelings and how I react to certain things. I only drink because I’m so anxious all the time. I wish I could just relax but I take everything so negatively. People like to tease me at work and so I use alcohol as a way to relax and laugh it off but its starting to get pricey as well as unhealthy. I haven’t gone a day without drinking in months now…maybe a couple years. Its every day. And my tolerance keeps getting greater and greater. I know what I have to do but I’m scared. I feel like having a panic attack when I dont drink. I figure everyone belittles me and ridicules me because I’m just a scrawny single cashier. It sucks because so many people like to say horrible things to me and laugh at me for being a weak man. I should be stronger than this at my age but I’m not. I could’ve graduated college by now if I had gone on like the rest of the people my age. I’m a failure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a man. I notice that scrawny men get picked on more. Do I seriously have to get big and huge just for people to quit f***ing with me? So animalistic! I guess I won’t fight the truth anymore. If getting muscular is what will lessen trash talk then so be it. The physical pain is nothing compared to the constant insults I receive.
I’m done. I’ve had enough of Arizona. This place is literally my own personal version of hell on earth. I was born in AZ but it doesn’t mean I have to love it. My skin hates it so much. Triple digit temperatures all week are no fun when you gotta walk 15miles just to get to work. The careless peeps who run my side of town won’t build or expand public transportation in many neglected areas out here. I have a car now but I remember when I didn’t have one and arriving to work smelling like shit from sweating on my way there. Besides the weather, I have nothing but painful memories here. I hate seeing certain places that remind of bad memories. I guess I can thank my broken family for that. I’m abandoning them and unfortunately I can’t tell them where I’m going because I don’t want them to follow. There’s a few that I will miss so much but I know if I tell them where I’ll be going then they’ll just pass the word around to the rest. I’m doing this for me and hopefully for my future children if I ever get the opportunity to have some of my own. I’ll be moving to New Mexico. I don’t have much to lose. All I need is me and my car. Obviously it would be wise to secure a job over there first as well as an apartment. I’m not that naive to think I can just get up and go without any roadblocks. This is why I will be preparing for 1 year. I’ve done my research on communities and the environment over there. I’m well aware that I will be needing a new driver’s license as well. I can go on and on about how much I’ve thought this through just to prove that I have in fact researched enough. But my decision has been made.
Everything I own can fit in my small car so theres one less roadblock most people face when moving. The minimum wage may be lower over there but so is their housing prices. $9 an hour will be their minimum wage starting next year. Found many studio apartments for $500-$700. That’s an easy price to pay in my opinion. A little over a weeks worth of work and I have enough to rent a studio apartment already with the income tax rate in between 1.7% – 4.9%. In comparison to Arizona’s 2.59% – 4.54%. And many decent apartments out here cost a lot more between the ranges of $775-$950. People say that’s cheap in comparison to other places but if I can go cheaper without sacrificing safety and quality then WHY NOT?! And yes there are cheaper apartments out here that only charge $500 per month but those are the ones located in areas populated with gangbangers, drunk college students and crackheads as well as prostitutes. I’m sure this happens in every state but the key is knowing which areas to stay away from. Anyways I’m absolutely certain that I will love New Mexico. I’m tired of being trapped in Arizona aka satans fiery asshole. This place is getting too crowded anyway with the high rates of population growth every year here. And the natural formations out there look beautiful….at least based on what I can see from the pictures. I’ll be going out for walks, hikes more often once I get out there.
Yeah there might be a handful of racists out there but I don’t give a shit. I may be a Chicano but I wont give into fear. I don’t want to think that every white and black dude is out to get me simply because they’re a different color than me. The racist peeps are only a minority found in every race. But I refuse to build a defensive mechanism of “being on the lookout” all the damn time around people who look different than me. I know reality doesn’t care about my feelings. But the only way I know how to stay sane is by giving all humans a decent chance. As long as we can respect each other then we’re cool. Other Chicanos are always questioning my mentality because they fear being able to share a meal with others who look or talk different from them. I can assure you that it’s not impossible for people to get along simply because they’re different in appearance. It’s children of immigrants that understand what it’s like to live two different cultures at once never really understanding why this thing creates so much divide. It’s like I do understand but I dont at the same time because I’ll be watching all these American tv shows while eating tamales or listening to Linkin Park while playing a game of Loteria or arguing with my mom in English while she replies in Spanish. Sometimes my parents will say things like “you’re whitewashed” simply because I prefer nu-metal music over some Spanish music. Oh and don’t get me started on how much my diet differs from theirs. I’ll be cooking lasagna or Pho(vietnamese food btw) for dinner and they’ll ask me why I didn’t cook menudo, chilaquiles, etc instead. I don’t know what the fuck I am at times but I just know that i have my likes and dislikes just like everyone else. But I refuse to quit playing Halo and watching American football simply because its “not Mexican”. Like I don’t give a shit. This is all I’ve known. You decided to have kids in a different country so dont be so surprised that I prefer Hershey’s over Pelon pelon Rico or donuts over pan dulce. A part of me hates them for separating me from a world that they insist is my true heritage but a part of me is glad too because the only brown brothers I have a real connection with are my blood brothers. The ones who came out of the same woman as I did. I have my own mind, I refuse to be part of a collective thinking. At the end of the day every human technically has their own culture. All of my brothers grew up in the same family yet we all different tastes in food, clothing, friends, music, games, etc. Life is too complex for me to not wanna try a little of everything enjoyable in this world. Imagine going through life never seeing the beach once in your whole life in person with your own two eyes or one if that’s your case. Many humans die with many experiences but we also die with many inexperiences as well. So why limit our ability to experience enjoyable things in life simply because the culture is a little different? I just don’t get that mentality. I may be odd but I often catch myself wanting to understand people who are very different from me despite being one of the minorities in my country.
I cut people off when they start getting close to me because I’m afraid of how great our companionship can be. I feel like I’m afraid of happiness because I know it doesn’t last very long. I refused to talk to anyone who was “gaining on me” today for this reason. I feel regretful for letting them in this much but I’m also glad at the same time. Does this make me a sociopath? Am I too fucked up to ever give friendship a chance ever again?
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately but I like it. I am such a nervous wreck usually but lately I’ve been able to keep my cool. I recently stopped drinking. Its been 4 days so far. I know it’s not long but its a step in the right direction. I was drinking every day for 4 years and some of this year. The odd thing about this is that I didn’t go through withdrawal after going cold turkey. I don’t even care what people think of me anymore….at least not a ridiculous amount. I still treat people kindly and with respect but now I don’t take myself too seriously anymore and so that helps me be happy. I suppose I learned something from my alcohol abuse. I learned that nobody’s opinion of me really actually affects me in any way most often. And so I sort of kept this part of my old drunk self. Its almost as if it was all just one giant experiment. I learned how to stop overanalyzing my mistakes and shortcomings as well as how people perceive me. But I also learned why I should quit drinking. Its because the negatives outweigh the positives. It took me 4 years to realize that I’m not the center of the universe and that it’s okay to make mistakes and laugh at yourself. It’s okay if I’m not the tallest, rich, most athletic, most well spoken human. All that matters is that we continue bettering ourselves for ourselves and those we truly care about like family and friends. Although I must say that I’m not completely quitting on drinking. I’ll still have a drink or two on special occasions like parties. I won’t demonize alcohol. I will however demonize the abuse of it. I don’t need to use it as a crutch anymore and it feels pretty good. No more heartburn, vomiting, headaches, or dizziness. It feels awesome and so energetic to be sober again. It’s time to move on and grow some more. Come at me again life! I’ll keep swinging until I’m dead so what’s next?!
Yeah I was drunk but I still did my job better than all of my coworkers despite being under the influence of alcohol. The truth is they’re just jealous that I’m a drunken master. My skills actually improve when I’m drunk so I guess you can say I’m a high functioning alcoholic. Of course I’m using a cheat code. It just sucks how xanax and other prescription drugs are considered the “right” way to fight social anxiety and alcohol is demonized. I made it a point to not hold back once I got back to work all drunk. The looks on their faces were worth getting drunk. Of course they ended up nitpicking the fuck out of every small mistake I made because they could tell I was trying really hard to do things above and beyond. They don’t have to worry however, I ain’t trying to one up them. I did all this for the customers and my paycheck of course. I don’t care about making 25 cent raises at a grocery store. They don’t have to worry about me using alcohol as liquid courage to flirt with all the taken ladies at work who are just looking for attention. It’s amusing how many desperate men actually think these women are single. On top of that they most likely ain’t trying to date a grocery store hall-of-lame clerk. Single lonely pathetic men in these low end jobs are better off bettering themselves as much as possible so that they can actually have some decent qualities to offer to a woman once they move up in the world. Money ain’t everything but it is pretty damn important in most people’s lives. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking there’s such thing as a free meal economically speaking.
I actually became employee of the month after my first two weeks of work because I just outworked all these crybabies bitching about cashier work. One of the easiest jobs out there if you ain’t an overly sensitive *****. Try construction or working out in the oilfields for a day then you’ll know what hard work is. Cashier work is like playing Halo on Easy mode. All these other cashiers are softies. All they do is complain about how shitty they think they have it but a lot of them have never really had a tough job. Anyways I’m just ranting off some steam. Most of this is just gibberish but I believe I made a couple valid points here and there throughout this post even if it hurts somebody’s feelings.
I’m sicken tired of search results on YouTube being so biased. Everytime I look up physical abuse, I see results pop up mostly only involving women. Like wtf, women aren’t the only ones affected by this! How about we give the children some attention for once! It affects the children way more in my opinion. The mother had more power to end it than the child and YouTube wants to be biased?! As if the wife or girlfriend is the only one affected by the piece of shit husband or boyfriend! I take it as an insult on my pain. It’s as if YouTube is trying to say that women are the only ones affected by this.
I recently entered adulthood…I mean it wasn’t that recent but I’m 22yrs old now so I’m still kinda new. It seems the older I get, the more innocence I lose. I start learning more and more horrible truths about this world and it’s inhabitants. I can sense the negativity every waking second nowadays. I ain’t innocent from doing some horrible things myself but at least I make a conscious effort to sway away from negativity. I treat people with kindness and I really try my best to not judge people so harshly. And yes work can suck but I actually try to make the best of my time at work, even have fun with it sometimes. Yet when I try to stay positive there always seems to be a handful of people who will always try to bring me down. I don’t understand why people gotta be so bitter about life. I have had some horrible days and some horrible treatment but I wont let that negativity consume me. I have forgiven all my 10 bullies and my once physically abusive father. I live happier because of my ability to forgive. Some of these bullies didn’t even deserve my forgiveness but I did it for me, so that I don’t become that bully someday or feel like a victim for the rest of my life. I know revenge and anger won’t make me feel better…those two concepts are empty and meaningless. We like to think we’re so advanced with all of our technology nowadays, upgrading our cars, phones, video games, tv’s, and houses but we neglect our ability to upgrade our human kindness. It is possible, I’ve met some pretty negative people who have changed their lives because they’ve learned to forgive and not carry so much hate in their hearts. Children may not know much about creating businesses, selling houses, fixing cars, or even speaking in many instances but they are a reminder of how gentle we humans can be and should be for the better future of mankind. Anyways I just wanted to speak my mind.
I haven’t felt this way in a while. It happens very rarely with me even when I should feel this way but i think I’ll let it have it’s expression for a change. I rarely get angry. I’m always really calm and easygoing but after cowering in my room for 5 days straight and not doing anything but sitting on my bed all day and napping here and there with a couple sides of deep thought…..I’ve had enough of just simply existing. I have 2 job interviews tomorrow so I guess that’s something to look forward to. I suppose it’s healthy to release some pent up energy. I feel like I haven’t existed for my past 4 years. This isn’t the first time that I’ve locked myself in my room for days on end. I once stayed inside for 8 months. It sucks when this happens. Luckily for me I have a caring family who understands my illness but still, I mustn’t keep this up. I refuse to just give up. I have to get back out there again. I’m a pathetic man. I’ve got no balls! I need to grow a pair and face the world. It’s the only way I will leave my dad’s home. It’s the only way I will ever have a chance at finding my purpose in life. First I must admit my setbacks. I am a scrawny college dropout with $300 in debt to LA fitness (soon to be $750), I am a nervous wreck with severe social anxiety, I am an alcoholic, and I’ve pushed away most people who have tried to help me. I need to change right now. If I keep this up….fuck that, I won’t let it keep going like this.
Man it sucks living with 4 siblings who don’t like the music you listen to. I listen to Disturbed, Linkin Park, Korn, Drowning Pool, Pantera, Static-X, etc. But they listen to rap and hip-hop so whenever we hang out that’s all they listen to because the majority gets to pick the whats playing like 95% of the time. I need to find some friends I can relate to on the music side of things. It sucks when they’re having these rap conversations and I’m just sitting there sippin on my brew silently while they conversate about a bunch of rap stuff they like. Everyone tells me that I just haven’t heard the right artists yet or the right songs but I swear I’ve heard thousands of rap songs and I still can’t enjoy more than like 9 songs. I’ve tried mainstream and underground and still nothing pleases my ears in this genre all that much. I don’t hate rap but I hate how lonely it feels to be the only one who listens to the stuff I listen to. It’d be nice to have a homie that I could listen to some nu-metal while drinking beers or something.
My dad is such an angry bastard sometimes. It drains the fuck out of everyone around him. He’s scary when he’s angry. And all this grunting and cussing over 1 dirty dish that my dumbass brother didn’t clean. He starts acting like an animal sometimes when he gets like this. He’ll punch holes in the wall, scream, smash random things, slam doors, and do everything else the Incredible Hulk does when he’s angry. What’s even more pathetic is that I’m a broke 22 year old college dropout still living with the likes of him. It’s scary because he’s done worse in the past. He’s kinda physically abusive. In the past he was worse. And no it wasn’t due to alcohol….as a matter of fact I wish he would drink more often because that’s the only thing that calms him down besides ESPN. Should I just pack my shit and leave soon? I’m already a lost cause. It’s too late to make anything out of myself even if I’m not paying any bills around here. I’d rather have my own place away from crazy angry animals then suffer emotionally. I figure if my mind ain’t right then nothing else can work out right and so far that philosophy has proven to be true. I’d rather pay bills then be someones punching bag. At this point I’m so traumatized that simple things bring me great happiness. I could have my own apartment room with little to no ‘things’ inside and I’d be at peace just as long as I’m not having to avoid stepping on eggshells all day. If anything it’s like avoiding stepping on land-mines. And no it’s not one of those simple slaps on the wrist or simple raise of voice, this man gets FURIOUS over the most petty things. He’s thrown me, scratched me, kicked me, screamed in my face while shaking me violently, etc. I’m a pathetic dumbass for moving back in here.
I just fought off my urge to watch porn and I feel a little better. I can feel less ashamed of who I am today and hopefully tomorrow. I don’t know if others feel the same way as I do about porn but personally I don’t give a fuck anymore. I want to rid myself of this habit. I’m doing this for me despite what others may think of it. I KNOW that this stuff is fucking my mind up. The longest I ever ‘detoxed’ from porn was 2 weeks and I remember how much that helped my self-esteem. I remember feeling very comfortable in my own skin. The man I saw in the mirror looked happier and more attractive somehow. Then I relapsed and then that man in the mirror wasn’t very attractive anymore. I felt disgusted with myself, and it’s how I’ve felt lately until just 4 hours ago when I finally resisted my urge once again. I hope this time I at least last longer than 2 weeks. I know sheer willpower wont get me very far with this type of addiction but that’s okay because as long as I have a burning desire to rid myself of this perversion then I know someday I’ll be free. I don’t care how much I get ridiculed for feeling this way about it, I wont have it anymore. If i fail again then I’ll just keep getting back up. I now know that I’m probably gonna fail plenty more times but I’m not giving up. I want to feel that pure pride again.
I recently told my crush that I thought she had beautiful eyes. I introduced myself first of course but up until this point I hadn’t ever talked to her in the past. I was reading articles online about how NOT to talk to your crush and it turns out that I made a mistake by telling her this according to the masters of dating. Now I was a little drunk when I told her but it was by no means a mistake. I meant to get drunk in order to loosen up in order to tell her that I thought she was beautiful, it was no accident. She giggled and smiled when I told her this and I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing. I’ve read that some women just do that because they think your kidding but I really meant it. I’m afraid that i was a bit too upfront but i get contradicting advice online. Some sites say you should be upfront others say that you shouldn’t so I’m a bit confused on how to move on from here. I know for sure that I fucked up when I told her that I was a little drunk…..however I did also tell her that I was only drunk because “I needed some liquid courage”. So I’m hoping she understands that it was by no means a mistake. A lot of other guys kept trying to get in my way while I was talking to her. It’s as if they didn’t want me to talk to her. It’s like I was pursuing some chick they wanted to pursue. What should I do now that other dudes know I like her? Will they be “on guard” next time i go to work? Will they be ready to cock-block me when I try to talk to her again? I seriously think they have a “If i can’t have her then you can’t either?” mentality and so i figure this is why they cock-block. I seriously hate the term ‘cock-block’ because it almost implies that all i want to do is get in her pants but that’s not the case so don’t get it twisted. All I’m saying is that I’m starting to realize that this is like a competition. Other single guys are seemingly trying to stop me from talking to her and not in an upfront way. They wont admit it but that’s the vibe they are giving out, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out when it’s happening.
I’ve had female advice and some are saying I should just be upfront with this crush of mine. They think I made the right choice by talking to her and complimenting her eyes others don’t think so however. I’m thinking that the blushing and gigling was a good sign. I was even cut off mid-sentence by a cock-blocker when I was talking to her at work and she came back to me and asked what I was trying to tell her earlier.
I’m sorry if there aren’t many clues in this post to fully examine the situation but I’m typing things as i think about them which is noobish (i know). Oh I also asked if she wanted to eat lunch with me during break and she said yeah.
I find it bizarre how you’re considered weak for using alcohol as a means of fighting social anxiety and yet taking Xanax is encouraged. I think there’s something else at work here when you’re allowed to buy alcohol without a prescription but you can’t get Xanax without one. I know I have social-anxiety so why do i have to pay an extra amount of money in order to have some guy/lady verify that I do in fact have social anxiety before I can get that prescription? Something tells me that it has to do with milking patients wallets.
Oh and back to what’s socially frowned upon…..
I think it’s unfair for somebody to discourage me from consuming alcohol and tell me it’s weak when they eat nothing but fast food or they smoke weed or they play too many video games or they jack off to porn or they have anger issues so they punch walls.
I have to admit that my social anxiety is more crippling than my alcohol usage. Here’s another red pill for you; I was getting verbally bullied by some fat older lady at work yesterday because she saw how nice and shy I was. She picked up on that and used it against me. She started ridiculing me and poking fun at me….45 minutes later I come back to my work area and she starts doing it again but to her surprise, I’m not displaying any signs of embarrassment or discomfort anymore. She started talking about how everyone picks on me in a sarcastic way with a smile on her face in front of my other coworkers. I reply “ha….it’s because I’m so scrawny”. She looked shocked that I said that because she was expecting me to defend myself in an offended form. Instead, the spectators start laughing with me. She wanted to be the comedian but I stole the show from her. Her face went from sarcastic smirk to shit face syndrome in seconds. I can’t remember all the mean things she was saying but I just remember how immune I became to all her shit-talk. Eventually, she gave up and just stopped trying anymore. During my 45min break, I took 2 shots of Tanqueray to ease my nerves, particularly the ones in my face. This allowed me to react in a calm manner and have a facial expression that spoke “nice try but it doesn’t humiliate me”. It’s as if she was throwing bullets at me but I was the one arming my gun with those very same bullets and giving them back to her…..fully automatic.
People hate it when shy guys like me get alcohol in them because they love using us as punching bags. They wont tell you this so bluntly, however. They’ll tell you some shit like ‘alcohol is bad for you’…..to which i usually reply “no shit genius! did you just discover that? or did you really think I didn’t know that?” ….oh but the truth is more something like “I hate how now I can’t intimidate you to exercise my power over you anymore” and my inner voice is saying “I just got this cool new barrier where anything you try to intimidate me with gets blocked and so now you’re not able to exercise your dominance over me and now I can have a nice day.”
It’s like a cheat code that i wish I discovered sooner. It ain’t so bad that I drink on occasions like this. The way I see it is like this; I showed her today and even if I do come back sober tomorrow she’ll still remember how I laughed off all her sarcastic remarks and so she will think twice before trying that again. Similar to the two couples who first met at the bar a little buzzed. Call it a crutch or whatever but it WORKS just like a crutch works for cripples. I’d rather call my booze a ‘potion’ and my whole experience with it an ‘experiment’ where I can then conclude whether or not what people say about me actually matters. I concluded that this fat ***** can say some horrible things but it can be laughed off and I can still walk back into work sober and with a smile on my face. This was a fun experiment with an awesome conclusion.
I know its obvious that if i only focus on the negatives of this world then I will feel depressed all the time but as of lately it seems like that’s all that I’m running into. I understand some of you don’t see it as simple as light and darkness but that’s how i like to visualize it. Pretty much I keep noticing and feeling all the darkness or negativity if you will and it feels like thats all that exists in this world at times like today where everyone i ran into seemed angry, or violent. It could just be my shitty luck but i have a feeling that everybody around me is being consumed by negative thoughts and emotions lately. It’s scary because these negative emotions can cause people to do horrible things and i feel like somebody is about to snap. I know I sound like a wuss but i have to admit that i am actually afraid as of lately. I try my best to cheer people up but sometimes nothing cheers them up. And i ain’t trying to say that I’m some saint who never feels angry or anything like that but when others feel this way i get scared. Its almost like you can feel other humans wrath before its actually unleashed. My body can’t help but feel this negativity lurking around at work, the road, at the grocery store, etc.
It’s tough when your going through changes. It seems everyone wants to hold you back. As somebody with social anxiety it can get exhausting when others hate on you for breaking your shell. Many of these people are not even the social ones but rather the other quiet ones. They give me dirty looks that seem to be saying “You’re a loner, don’t even try!”. They may have given up hope but I still haven’t. I know i can overcome i Social anxiety. These days i just embrace all the weird feelings that come along with getting out of my comfort zone. And although I’ve been fighting this for 4 years now….I’ve made some pretty dramatic improvements. People keep trying to disencourage me but I keep trying everyday. I’ve been ridiculed, I’ve made many social interactions awkward, but i learned something each time and i continue learning. I’ve actually learned enough to the point where on somedays i don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable with my behaviour. And it’s not like I’m forcing myself to do this. I don’t like being in a shell, I actually love conversating with people. I am willing to admit that social situations terrify me sometimes. And i believe that’s what has allowed me to make progress. I started being honest with myself and i quit pretending like i didn’t want to join in on chats. I quit pretending like i was too busy on my smartphone to talk. I quit wearing earbuds as a defense mechanism. Today i was sitting alone at a table and i felt lonely so i got up and joined another group of people at a different table. I didn’t die, nobody told me to fuck off or respond in any negative way. But in my mind i was thinking “everyone knows I’m a loser for sitting alone” and that’s the kind of negative self talk that has trapped me in isolation for so long back in high school. Yeah it’s tough but i ain’t giving up. Somedays i feel like crying from all the embarrassment but i keep going. Somedays people make fun of me but then i come back the next day with a big smile on my face like it didn’t faze me. I know i ain’t the only one with SA so if you have SA i just wanna tell you that it is possible to overcome this. I ain’t there yet but I’m seeing drastic changes in myself. If somebody as socially anxious as me can heal then you can too. I used to be too scared to come out my house. I was so afraid of people. But i just took that first step and the rest followed afterwards. It ain’t easy but it’s worth it. You will feel like giving up, people will piss you off, people will make you sad, but that don’t matter because that’s just part of the process. It sounds simple but just don’t give up.