Does anyone else ever feel too numb to cry? It sucks. I feel like crying often but it’s like I don’t have the energy to do so.
I’m a weirdo. Totally just quoting a song by Radiohead but that’s exactly how I feel when I just got rejected by my crush and I still live with my mom at 23 years of age. I’m a pathetic man. ????
I was so drunk recently that I actually reached out to an old bully. He was really cool but I wonder if he could sense how drunk I was. I’m about to go to jail for a DUI accident too. My life is a joke.
My father won’t control me anymore after this. I have had it with him. I admit I am the one responsible for my DUI accident back a couple months ago but if he wants to know what was going through my head that night then I would tell him that I was out driving because I wanted to stay away from him as soon as he got home so I drove down to the gas station to buy some alcohol. On my way back home to the place I dread I opened up my drink and started drinking because the guy scares me and I wanted to numb my fear and what happened next is self explanatory. I take full responsibility for my actions but I also take full responsibility for my decisions even further back before the day of my accident. I was doing just fine on my own. I didn’t have the nicest place or the nicest things but I had my own damn place and I was proving to him and everyone else every month for 7 months that I was capable of surviving on my own. I was paying my own bills, I was buying my own food, water, auto insurance, car was mine, etc. Then one day my father shows up in his car begging me to come stay at his place again. I made the worst decision that day by listening to him and his bullshit. I should’ve stayed where I had finally gotten. He tempted me and eventually manipulated me into going back to live with him. He promised he would change his ways and was acting all decent for the first two months and then he was back at it with his anger and his douchebaggery. He became a control freak once again and used that same playbook excuse of “as long as you live here you will do as I tell you”. See that wasn’t my problem. I WAS doing everything he asked of me but his anger was what got me going insane again. I was back to my old habits of drinking everyday as soon as I woke up because I was gonna have to be in his angry presence every morning and he’d always question the fuck out of everything I did. From what I’m doing today to why I’m cooking eggs the way I’m cooking them. It feels like im being questioned by the FBI over why I chose to cook eggs sunny side up over scrambled. It feels like that’s all we do. It’s nothing but a series of the same fucking questions every day and it’s usually with a tone that suggests he’s about to aggressively suggest I do things a different way and it usually ends up being exactly that with him also aggressively cussing me out or calling me an idiot and treating me like I’m the dumbest guy in the world and making me feel like less than a human being for simply not being as wise as him. He can turn something as simple as not eating lunch into a whole hour long argument on why I didn’t win some track race back in high school due to skipping lunch. He’ll combine today’s problems with yesterday’s and even further than that at times and he’ll re-express his anger towards me over that mistake I made years ago. It’s always about how I fucked up something and he’ll put on the most Shrek looking face while doing so but that’s putting it lightly. My dad is like Shrek x 5 ^ Hulk x 9 = ????? Insanely angry over me not knowing where his watch is when he asks me to go get it for him from his room and I tell him it’s not there. He’ll then proceed to call me an idiot and that I need to look better and use my brain but when he goes and sees for himself it’s not there. He’ll get angry over petty things. Like one time we were at the movie theaters and we finished watching a movie, afterwards he wanted to go directly to another room without paying for the tickets for that rooms film. So pretty much he was about to walk into another room where another film was playing without having paid for the ticket after we walked out of our theater where we had finished watching our film. He was explaining this to me and my brother and I immediately responded out loudly with “Don’t we have to pay for our tickets first?!” I was younger then and I had no idea that he wanted to cheat the system that day. My dad got angry with me over this and even grounded me for it and said I had no street smarts over that and ridiculed me for the rest of the ride home and even partially while we had dinner later that day. Of course this was when I was younger but I’m explaining this memory so that you get a better idea of what he’s like. If I had to list the most memorable terrible things he’s done throughout my life to make me terrified of him they’d be this; beat up my oldest brother in the kitchen (he cried and wept, was bleeding once), hit my mom on multiple occasions and even made both of them bruise or bleed sometimes, thrown me across my room for waking up late for a football game screamed in my face like a maniac in the car after we arrived to my game late because I made him look bad, scratched me, speaking of scratching he accused me of letting bullies pick on me because one day while I was in the shower I scratched myself lightly due to an itch I had on my back naturally and when I came out I had red marks on my skin that disappeared within minutes due to my condition that he didn’t know I had called Dermatographia although this is ridiculous because my mom later explained that he should have known of this already but he must’ve carelessly forgotten when they told him at the hospital where I was born….guess he just forgot but yeah if I scratch myself like when I have a natural itch then it leaves red marks on my skin that disappear within minutes of doing so due to this condition I was born with. Makes me wonder why the I’m the hell he begged me to come back “home” or hell. My mom speculates that it had something to do with tax breaks he got a couple years ago when he begged for me to come back and live with him. He’s lied to the IRS before so it’s not hard to consider that as a possibility. I don’t know his intentions but surely they’re not beneficial to me. He’s expecting me to stay with him after I get out of jail later in June but his expectations are wrong. I WONT be coming back. I’m 23 years old and I’m barely starting to realize that I don’t have to do everything he says. I would’ve rather lived in a cheap apartment then live with him. My DUI accident is a good example of how he drives me crazy quite literally! I can’t keep lying to myself….I can’t stand living with him. The idiot still wants me to stay with him for some reason even after this. Well I don’t care what he says anymore. He’ll try and stop me from leaving but he won’t. As soon as I get back from jail. I’m packing my stuff and leaving. I don’t care anymore. I’m not afraid anymore. Something tells me he wants me to doubt myself and have no confidence so that he can maintain control over my life. Again I don’t blame him for the DUI accident. I blame myself and my own reasoning for this. I was selfish that night. Even with the chaos I was going through it still wasn’t right.
Why? Well because I won’t be around very long for me to even bother creating a connection with anyone. All you are is a coworker….nothing more. It’s not that you’re a bad person or that I find you annoying. I don’t think I’m better than you or anything like that. I just know myself too well. I know I’m too broken inside to allow myself to partake in companionship. I truly believe this and so you won’t see me making an effort to sneak a joke in or start a conversation. It honestly feels foreign to me. You see I’ve been broken for a while and sometimes for some people like myself the damage is too much to repair. I’ve been like this for a while so it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve accepted this as my reality. I don’t believe in companionship anymore….not for me. Sounds grim I know but I’ve decided to restructure my philosophy on my personal life. I’ve done it in such a way that happiness is still an option for me where I can still have some form of a connection with society and others without having to partake in “ordinary” chit chat, parties, and all other non essential social events. Strangely I am fairly comfortable speaking in front of crowds as I recently discovered at an AA meeting and I also find it easier to start conversations with strangers than I do with coworkers or classmates and I realized this has to do with the fact that I know that I won’t ever have to establish a connection with them because we both know we likely won’t see each other again like the people on public transportation or at the DMV. I truly feel like a robot, Broly or like Edward Scissor Hands. My face definitely shows it that’s for sure. I suppose I often just feel numb to emotions like they just pass right through me of something. So yeah it’s no wonder why people think I’m a freak. I don’t even feel human sometimes. I can definitely laugh, get angry, smile, and be sad or excited. I still feel these things but it’s just not as frequent as those who question my odd behavior. I mean no offense when I’m silent but unfortunately it’s inevitable that some will take offense to it or come to negative conclusions about me with very little evidence. I’ve been called all kinds of names because of this from “future school shooter”, “Freak”, “mute” etc….it doesn’t even offend me anymore. I’m always inside my head and I always wanna know how things work more so than how people work. I love learning new things and staying busy working on things. I have obsession with learning more about this world and the universe and so I’m always inside my head because of this. Maybe that’s a bad thing. I think my purpose in life is to create something useful or just simply serve my community and my fellow human beings. That’s what makes me happy and the outdoors are nice too. I’m slowly learning how to enjoy my own company. Companionship is a trap for me and I’m not talking about “love” necessarily but rather just the simple concept of companionship. At most I’m more like an ally to people. I’ll offer my time, and work but please don’t get too close to me….. I won’t “open up” to you.
So the title is pretty self explanatory. I’ll be brutally honest here….I’m a piece of shit! I am selfish loser who will have to do his time in jail. A couple of days ago I got arrested for a DUI that involved two other innocent people. They’re cars were messed up and especially the one that was directly in front of me when I crashed. Thankfully no one was hurt despite how crowded it was however that could of very easily turned deadly. In Arizona it is law that you go to jail at least for 10 days (which is nothing) and can expect time lengths of 6 months up to 5 years in jail. What I did was foolish and selfish so now I will have to do the time. I am not looking for any forgiveness but I just wanted to get this off my chest first and I will be apologizing to those people who I have caused damages to. Any apology won’t mean shit so I’m gonna do whatever I can to pay up for those damages plus some. I know now that I absolutely have a drinking problem. I would deny it anymore because next time it can mean the end of somebodies life.
The next couple of years are going to be some of the most intense and challenging in my life but you know what!….I should’ve thought about the consequences before making a stupid decision. Now I will have to live with it for the rest of my life. What’s done is done and I must become mentally strong so that I can own up to what I’ve done. It all felt like a really bad dream that I just couldn’t wake up from ever since I crashed about 3 days ago. I felt like I could just pinch myself and I’d wake up from this nightmare but no this is my reality now. From here on out it’s sink or swim. I have decided that I will swim. I’m especially gonna need this attitude in jail. I will be challenged and I’ve already assumed the worst will happen in there so mentally I have around 30 days before I will be booked in. For now I will have to do everything I can to prepare myself mentally and physically because it will be one of the most challenging experiences I will go through. There’s always that possibility that I could end up dead in there but hey there was also that possibility I could’ve killed somebody 3 nights ago so really I shouldn’t be bitching about this! That lady had no idea what was coming just like I have no idea what will be coming in my future so if you ask me I say this is exactly what I deserve. Knowing this brings me some peace of mind like that’s where I belong because I do. Acceptance is important because until I do that I won’t be able to change. I accept that I am a weak pathetic timid selfish embarrassment of a man but I also accept the challenge to turn things around not just for me but for everybody. I need to realize that I live in a society of people and I need to learn that there are rules that I must follow for the safety and equal treatment of everybody. I have accepted that there will be no time for comfort in the next couple of years. There’s no time to take it easy anymore and the more I think about it the more I realize that should’ve never been my mentality in the first place. So this is actually exactly what I need to change. This is my life now.
I was wondering if anyone else has truly given up on trying to find a lover/soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. Is that too much for you to accept? That you’ll be alone for your short lifespan. I know I’ve made peace with it and I’m only 23 years old. But I know where I stand in this. I now live for a different purpose than the one most suburbia people strive for. I don’t want to have that relationship anymore…..I never had one and I don’t care anymore. I’m not turning into an incel….I refuse to think that way. To become an incel you have to feel like the world did you dirty. Well I don’t feel that way. I simply realize and accept that I will be alone forever. I’m okay with that. After I’ve always had a deep desire for something else in this life. The urge to truly commit my life to contributing something to society before I leave. I know nothing lasts forever. This planet will be gone someday and so long term nothing really matters but short term I can at the very least do something for those of you who succeeded in being human. I am here for you all. My happiness is selfish so I refuse to try anymore. All that does is create more heartache but I’ve found an escape to that madness. If I refuse deep connection, if I refuse to desire then there will never be anymore heartache in me. No I now live to better this world in my own way. I have a mission to complete and there’s just no time for love. That’ll be my perfect excuse. I’m too broken of a man that even if women take interest in me or show signs nowadays I immediately ensure that I don’t even make the slightest response. I don’t deserve that and I don’t want that kind of thing anymore. I’ll never feel that way ever again. Call me a loser if you wish it really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve tasted ridicule and taunting like it’s all I’ve ever known. I’m numb to that stuff. Some people don’t like to hear this because they still believe in it for themselves but it’s my life….I can choose this route if I wish. After all it is only in our DNA to desire a “partner”….but that’s precisely my point. I don’t feel human anymore.
I’m asking this not because I got dealt a bad hand but rather because I just don’t understand the purpose of life. Even when things were going right in my life I still asked this question and so I’ve always kinda been depressed about life in general. What are we here for? What’s my purpose and whats the purpose of other peoples lives? If this planet will be gone someday then what’ s the point? No one really leaves their mark. That’s just way to make oneself feel better about themselves. 50 years is nothing, 100 years is nothing, 2000 years is nothing, 500,000 years is nothing in comparison to how long this universe has been around….so the smart people say. And if that’s true then that makes me feel insignificant. It doesn’t matter how much I learn or how strong I become physically. I don’t know of a human that can lift 4,000 pounds. Humans like to think we’re so mighty and great but we’re just flesh and blood. it doesn’t matter how tough you think you are….in the end we all perish. In the end even if you Bench Press the Guiness world record there are still more powerful forces than you. This concept of always competing seems like such a waste of energy. Always trying to be the best worker at your job, always trying to be the best partner in a relationship, always trying to be the healthiest, always trying to be the most attractive, always trying to be the most wealthy, etc. It’s all just too much for me. I don’t think I want to be human anymore. It’s such a ***** to live. Why keep going? It’s always gonna go me against the world just like for everyone else. Some love competition but I don’t. I guess it really goes like the saying….only the strongest survive. The weak suffer the burden of feeling like nothing while the strong feel the burden of always having to work their ass off for something that wont last forever. Whether you leave your mark or not it all disappears someday and even when your mark is still here there’s no guarantee anyone will give a shit about what you did in your lifetime. Everything will be gone someday and no one will remember anybody. What’s all the fear about being forgotten if it’s only natural? Everyone will be forgotten eventually someday. And at the end of our life we’re nothing but a lump of disgusting flesh and bone. If you’ve ever seen a dead body before then you know what I mean. It’s a horrible and pathetic sight of our nature. You can be the most attractive live person in the world but as soon as you die and nature decides to take your flesh back……You look like disgusting filth and you stink.
I won’t subject myself to anymore ridicule and shame. I have decided that I don’t wanna pursue a relationship anymore. Why? Well because I hate that feeling of rejection. I hate it so much that I will avoid the possibility of it happening at all costs. I have discovered that I can actually still live a fulfilling life even without a significant other, gf, wife, soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. I know why women have rejected me. I will admit and own up to my flaws. I will work on my flaws and this will be an ongoing process from now on. But I won’t ever allow myself to connect with women anymore even after I’ve become a stronger version of myself. Instead I will focus on my other purposes in life. I don’t hate women, I’m simply so hurt that I’m in a permanent defensive mode. I don’t ever wanna feel the pain again. I’d rather die then feel that pain of rejection. I’m just not a dateable person. The truth is that even if I did become rich and strong I’m still a trash of a man in my own eyes. And I suppose if that did happen and i did become rich and strong I’d have more attention but I’d honestly ignore it because it just feels shallow to me. Nobody cares about you until you become that big popular rich new famous guy on the block and that’s just a real turn off for me. If I did become somebody like that Id honestly have less fish in the sea to find because I’d purposely ignore all the fame from women. I will be a virgin till death and I’m okay with that. What I’m depressed about is how I can’t rewind time and make a few different choices that would’ve allowed me to develop into a normal man. Everyone says there’s no such thing as normal but I know damn well what’s crazy and that describes me. I’m a crazy man who refuses love. Im ignoring something that’s built into my DNA…..now that’s crazy! But humans are able to do that somehow. I’m my case it’s not really choice but I have the ability to be okay with it in my mind and stop desiring. If I desire then I will always feel empty so I must default to feeling nothing. No instead my purpose in life is to serve those who are not fuck ups like me. I will be working in the background but I will still be contributing to society. I will still have a purpose in life. I may never meet someone but I will for damn sure have a purpose in this life. Pity me all you want, I still won’t change my mind. I’m too fucked up to change. I’m too scarred. And when I say this I’m not referring to relationships. I’m referring to something darker that is preventing me from even allowing myself to form a romantic bond with anybody. I am seriously too scarred and I know it. No one can heal me except me. Not a woman, not a friend, not a brother….no one….just me. I am suicidal because of something else that eats me up everyday until I die.
Anyone else feel it? It feels like there’s more and more horrible things happening as time passes recently. People seem more angry and egotistical lately. My only escape from this reality has been booze and comedy. It’s like you can feel their negative energy. It’s scaring me to be honest. I’ve been hiding inside all day today because of this feeling. I have to go to work tomorrow but I guess I’ll just have to make the best of it and hopefully not piss anyone off on the road or at work. Maybe it’s due to Winter…..I don’t know maybe it’s just random or it’s all in my head. Perhaps I’m only seeing the negatives because I’m only focusing on the negatives. I kinda got caught up in the mess myself for a day before Christmas. I even almost went to jail because of it. Luckily it reached its peak when I got into a road rage incident with some dude. Surprisingly it ended up with us going out for lunch and becoming friends. I was almost gonna spend Christmas Eve in jail. Good thing we both told our egos to fuck off.
I stood up for myself a couple weeks ago with a passive aggressive coworker of mine and it felt pretty good. At my job there’s a lot of physical work to be done and it often requires more than 1 person to get it done as it’s sometimes impossible to do it on your own and it’s more time consuming even if you can do it on your own. But anyways me and this coworker of mine were loading huge storage unit doors onto a pallet. This particular coworker always seems to be in a bad mood or always trying to prove how tough he is to everyone by being passive aggressive and grabbing people’s arms when he wants to say something to them. He had done it to me before because he figured I was a nice easy going guy which I am. But 2 weeks ago I had enough with him and his testing. He kept asking me why I never reacted much to any of his taunts or ever replied to any of his trash talk and I simply said “I don’t feel like saying anything”. For some reason this pissed him off and started being more passive aggressive the rest of the day. When we pick up the doors at work we have to usually carry them over other things that get in the way and force us to sometimes extend our arms so that we can create more space and walk around these things. I noticed he started cheating more on his side and making me extend my arms more during these situations so as to show who was boss. He kept jerking the door more towards his way so that I had to struggle more by extending my arms straight in front of me. So I was pretty much doing front raises like at the gym but unlike the gym I’m not aloud to just simply drop this door and damage it or else. If I wanted to bring my body closer to the door then I’d risk losing my balance and falling over due to all the railings right below our knees in front of us. This kept going on for a while until he made it very obvious that he just had a bad case of ASMS(Angry Skinny Man syndrome). He started asking me why I didn’t wanna make eye contact with him while we were moving the doors and I just simply said that I didn’t want to because we weren’t really talking much. Then he took this as a sign of weakness and started asking why I was afraid of him. So I decided I’d show him how strong I really was and how 2 can play his game. I started doing exactly what he was doing to me at first and pulling the door more towards me so that he had to extend his arms. Only there was a difference this time. He couldn’t pull back whenever he tried to get the door closer to him again. And when he did try to I’d sometimes let him have it back closer in an obvious way and look him straight in the eye only this time without my usual smiley face that I tend to have everyday. I wasn’t looking angry but I made it obvious that I wasn’t having any of his shit anymore. Subtle signs of weakness that I usually displayed were replaced with subtle signs of strength that day. Instead of movin around sluggishly I moved around with energy and motivation. Instead of opting for lighter doors I started lifting heavier doors. Instead of letting people invade my personal space I started holding my ground and letting them move instead of me. Eventually he started letting off and although there wasn’t a physical altercation between the two of us he eventually learned that I wasn’t weak like he had thought at first. And I wasn’t as weak as I thought I was. I’m not saying I could’ve kicked his ass but I had comfort in knowing that I would be down to do so if it came to that. I had comfort in knowing that I did give a shit about me. It’s just little things like that people do to see if they can mess with you. The more you show signs of weakness the more they will try and test your patience.
I feel a void in myself. I feel so numb lately. I’m missing something from my life. Life feels so empty. There’s no excitement in it for me anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I just feel lost. I’m not happy or sad. I just feel emotionless and I think that’s worse. Although from a former perspective I should feel sad but I can’t even shed a tear some days because even that’s too much work. Just one tear today and it was from looking at a beautiful picture someone had taken and posted online. Maybe it was a reminder of what I am missing out on in life. I suppose it’s quite obvious what’s wrong with me. I spend too much time working, sleeping, and staring at a screen. I wanna get out there and try new things but I can’t exactly just stop working. I don’t know…..maybe I’m overthinking it. Perhaps I’m just afraid I’ll feel the same even after I go out there and try new things. But that picture made me feel otherwise so perhaps I should just go out there within the next couple days. The thing is, I can actually go to that exact same spot in the picture I saw and it’s less than 30 miles away from me. I just wanna feel human again. I feel like a robot in front of my screen. I just want to disconnect and start connecting with nature and the beautiful things in life…..I’m gonna do just that here in a couple days. Something just tells me I should go there to find some peace so that’s what I’ll do. And I’m gonna start learning how to play the piano already. I’m so afraid to try for some reason. But I’m done watching life on the sidelines. I want to experience life in all its cycles even it’s unpleasant ones. Any feeling is better than my current one. Heck I’m not even feeling anything right now. I feel like I’ve been dead inside for years now…like I’ve wasted my early years of life. Ever since I was in sophomore year of high school till now I’ve progressively gotten worse and worse. At first I felt really sad and at times could even feel anger but now I’m just so numb. I’m now 23 and the years seem to be disappearing right before my eyes almost like I’ve been on autopilot for the past 7-8 years. I wanna feel alive again.
I feel this way all thr damn time! I’m sicken tired of having to use the booze to calm down. I’m so damn scared all the time. I don’t think i can ever heal. The pills don’t fucking work! I need the harder stuff thats actually legal like Xanax. My situation is so bad because I get all tense and people think I’m pissed at the world due to my facial muscles. When I’m super nervous my face gets tense too and so i end up looking like im mad….but im not. I hate my body for this but if my mind could simply stop thinking stupid things all the damn time then this wouldn’t even be an issue. My mind just wont shut the fuck up. I’m paranoid all the time unless I drink alcohol. The pills they gave me only worked once and after that it seemed like my body became immune to its effects. I feel like I have the worst biological make up on this planet. Whats the point of living if I can’t even interact with other humans or if I make people uncomfortable! Life is a *****! I’m a bad apple. I’ll never be good enough for this world because I’m such a fucking *****. I hate myself.
I hate it because people want to celebrate a day for someone as trashy as me. They shouldn’t bother to do anything for me. I really don’t understand why they even celebrate it and insist I come over for dinner. I haven’t been over to theirs because I always forget or I’m always too broke to even buy them a gift. Oftentimes I am too busy at work to go to their celebrations. Honestly I always feel awkward when people start calling me and texting me to wish me a happy birthday. I’m glad that they remember but this is exactly the reason why it bothers me. I should know their birthdays. I need to memorize the dates.
I’m an alcoholic. I hate it so much because I feel like have no control over my feelings and how I react to certain things. I only drink because I’m so anxious all the time. I wish I could just relax but I take everything so negatively. People like to tease me at work and so I use alcohol as a way to relax and laugh it off but its starting to get pricey as well as unhealthy. I haven’t gone a day without drinking in months now…maybe a couple years. Its every day. And my tolerance keeps getting greater and greater. I know what I have to do but I’m scared. I feel like having a panic attack when I dont drink. I figure everyone belittles me and ridicules me because I’m just a scrawny single cashier. It sucks because so many people like to say horrible things to me and laugh at me for being a weak man. I should be stronger than this at my age but I’m not. I could’ve graduated college by now if I had gone on like the rest of the people my age. I’m a failure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a man. I notice that scrawny men get picked on more. Do I seriously have to get big and huge just for people to quit f***ing with me? So animalistic! I guess I won’t fight the truth anymore. If getting muscular is what will lessen trash talk then so be it. The physical pain is nothing compared to the constant insults I receive.
I’m done. I’ve had enough of Arizona. This place is literally my own personal version of hell on earth. I was born in AZ but it doesn’t mean I have to love it. My skin hates it so much. Triple digit temperatures all week are no fun when you gotta walk 15miles just to get to work. The careless peeps who run my side of town won’t build or expand public transportation in many neglected areas out here. I have a car now but I remember when I didn’t have one and arriving to work smelling like shit from sweating on my way there. Besides the weather, I have nothing but painful memories here. I hate seeing certain places that remind of bad memories. I guess I can thank my broken family for that. I’m abandoning them and unfortunately I can’t tell them where I’m going because I don’t want them to follow. There’s a few that I will miss so much but I know if I tell them where I’ll be going then they’ll just pass the word around to the rest. I’m doing this for me and hopefully for my future children if I ever get the opportunity to have some of my own. I’ll be moving to New Mexico. I don’t have much to lose. All I need is me and my car. Obviously it would be wise to secure a job over there first as well as an apartment. I’m not that naive to think I can just get up and go without any roadblocks. This is why I will be preparing for 1 year. I’ve done my research on communities and the environment over there. I’m well aware that I will be needing a new driver’s license as well. I can go on and on about how much I’ve thought this through just to prove that I have in fact researched enough. But my decision has been made.
Everything I own can fit in my small car so theres one less roadblock most people face when moving. The minimum wage may be lower over there but so is their housing prices. $9 an hour will be their minimum wage starting next year. Found many studio apartments for $500-$700. That’s an easy price to pay in my opinion. A little over a weeks worth of work and I have enough to rent a studio apartment already with the income tax rate in between 1.7% – 4.9%. In comparison to Arizona’s 2.59% – 4.54%. And many decent apartments out here cost a lot more between the ranges of $775-$950. People say that’s cheap in comparison to other places but if I can go cheaper without sacrificing safety and quality then WHY NOT?! And yes there are cheaper apartments out here that only charge $500 per month but those are the ones located in areas populated with gangbangers, drunk college students and crackheads as well as prostitutes. I’m sure this happens in every state but the key is knowing which areas to stay away from. Anyways I’m absolutely certain that I will love New Mexico. I’m tired of being trapped in Arizona aka satans fiery asshole. This place is getting too crowded anyway with the high rates of population growth every year here. And the natural formations out there look beautiful….at least based on what I can see from the pictures. I’ll be going out for walks, hikes more often once I get out there.
Yeah there might be a handful of racists out there but I don’t give a shit. I may be a Chicano but I wont give into fear. I don’t want to think that every white and black dude is out to get me simply because they’re a different color than me. The racist peeps are only a minority found in every race. But I refuse to build a defensive mechanism of “being on the lookout” all the damn time around people who look different than me. I know reality doesn’t care about my feelings. But the only way I know how to stay sane is by giving all humans a decent chance. As long as we can respect each other then we’re cool. Other Chicanos are always questioning my mentality because they fear being able to share a meal with others who look or talk different from them. I can assure you that it’s not impossible for people to get along simply because they’re different in appearance. It’s children of immigrants that understand what it’s like to live two different cultures at once never really understanding why this thing creates so much divide. It’s like I do understand but I dont at the same time because I’ll be watching all these American tv shows while eating tamales or listening to Linkin Park while playing a game of Loteria or arguing with my mom in English while she replies in Spanish. Sometimes my parents will say things like “you’re whitewashed” simply because I prefer nu-metal music over some Spanish music. Oh and don’t get me started on how much my diet differs from theirs. I’ll be cooking lasagna or Pho(vietnamese food btw) for dinner and they’ll ask me why I didn’t cook menudo, chilaquiles, etc instead. I don’t know what the fuck I am at times but I just know that i have my likes and dislikes just like everyone else. But I refuse to quit playing Halo and watching American football simply because its “not Mexican”. Like I don’t give a shit. This is all I’ve known. You decided to have kids in a different country so dont be so surprised that I prefer Hershey’s over Pelon pelon Rico or donuts over pan dulce. A part of me hates them for separating me from a world that they insist is my true heritage but a part of me is glad too because the only brown brothers I have a real connection with are my blood brothers. The ones who came out of the same woman as I did. I have my own mind, I refuse to be part of a collective thinking. At the end of the day every human technically has their own culture. All of my brothers grew up in the same family yet we all different tastes in food, clothing, friends, music, games, etc. Life is too complex for me to not wanna try a little of everything enjoyable in this world. Imagine going through life never seeing the beach once in your whole life in person with your own two eyes or one if that’s your case. Many humans die with many experiences but we also die with many inexperiences as well. So why limit our ability to experience enjoyable things in life simply because the culture is a little different? I just don’t get that mentality. I may be odd but I often catch myself wanting to understand people who are very different from me despite being one of the minorities in my country.
I cut people off when they start getting close to me because I’m afraid of how great our companionship can be. I feel like I’m afraid of happiness because I know it doesn’t last very long. I refused to talk to anyone who was “gaining on me” today for this reason. I feel regretful for letting them in this much but I’m also glad at the same time. Does this make me a sociopath? Am I too fucked up to ever give friendship a chance ever again?
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately but I like it. I am such a nervous wreck usually but lately I’ve been able to keep my cool. I recently stopped drinking. Its been 4 days so far. I know it’s not long but its a step in the right direction. I was drinking every day for 4 years and some of this year. The odd thing about this is that I didn’t go through withdrawal after going cold turkey. I don’t even care what people think of me anymore….at least not a ridiculous amount. I still treat people kindly and with respect but now I don’t take myself too seriously anymore and so that helps me be happy. I suppose I learned something from my alcohol abuse. I learned that nobody’s opinion of me really actually affects me in any way most often. And so I sort of kept this part of my old drunk self. Its almost as if it was all just one giant experiment. I learned how to stop overanalyzing my mistakes and shortcomings as well as how people perceive me. But I also learned why I should quit drinking. Its because the negatives outweigh the positives. It took me 4 years to realize that I’m not the center of the universe and that it’s okay to make mistakes and laugh at yourself. It’s okay if I’m not the tallest, rich, most athletic, most well spoken human. All that matters is that we continue bettering ourselves for ourselves and those we truly care about like family and friends. Although I must say that I’m not completely quitting on drinking. I’ll still have a drink or two on special occasions like parties. I won’t demonize alcohol. I will however demonize the abuse of it. I don’t need to use it as a crutch anymore and it feels pretty good. No more heartburn, vomiting, headaches, or dizziness. It feels awesome and so energetic to be sober again. It’s time to move on and grow some more. Come at me again life! I’ll keep swinging until I’m dead so what’s next?!
Yeah I was drunk but I still did my job better than all of my coworkers despite being under the influence of alcohol. The truth is they’re just jealous that I’m a drunken master. My skills actually improve when I’m drunk so I guess you can say I’m a high functioning alcoholic. Of course I’m using a cheat code. It just sucks how xanax and other prescription drugs are considered the “right” way to fight social anxiety and alcohol is demonized. I made it a point to not hold back once I got back to work all drunk. The looks on their faces were worth getting drunk. Of course they ended up nitpicking the fuck out of every small mistake I made because they could tell I was trying really hard to do things above and beyond. They don’t have to worry however, I ain’t trying to one up them. I did all this for the customers and my paycheck of course. I don’t care about making 25 cent raises at a grocery store. They don’t have to worry about me using alcohol as liquid courage to flirt with all the taken ladies at work who are just looking for attention. It’s amusing how many desperate men actually think these women are single. On top of that they most likely ain’t trying to date a grocery store hall-of-lame clerk. Single lonely pathetic men in these low end jobs are better off bettering themselves as much as possible so that they can actually have some decent qualities to offer to a woman once they move up in the world. Money ain’t everything but it is pretty damn important in most people’s lives. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking there’s such thing as a free meal economically speaking.
I actually became employee of the month after my first two weeks of work because I just outworked all these crybabies bitching about cashier work. One of the easiest jobs out there if you ain’t an overly sensitive *****. Try construction or working out in the oilfields for a day then you’ll know what hard work is. Cashier work is like playing Halo on Easy mode. All these other cashiers are softies. All they do is complain about how shitty they think they have it but a lot of them have never really had a tough job. Anyways I’m just ranting off some steam. Most of this is just gibberish but I believe I made a couple valid points here and there throughout this post even if it hurts somebody’s feelings.