Almost 6 weeks. More like 5 and a half. I’m finally starting to crack. Honestly I lasted a lot longer than I thought I would. So I guess that’s something to be proud of. Nothing in my internship is going right. I want to start ordering parts so I can actually do stuff, but every time I show my final design there’s something wrong. Either I put to much focus on something I shouldn’t have or didn’t think something through. I’m told to just go and do it fast, but when I do I’m told that I didn’t think somethings through. Then when I try to really focus on something I’m told that I shouldn’t bother looking that hard into it and should just go with a “gut” feeling. Today it was very obvious that my frustration was showing. A part of me is afraid that my mentor sees me as a screw up that needs his hand held. Another part of me wonders why would I bother caring what he or anyone at that company thinks. I know I’m a disappointment and that’s all the affirmation that I need. So like I said, really impressed that I managed to last this long. I guess I’ve finally managed to fail without having a nervous breakdown about fearing failure.
I tried to talk to my dad today. I haven’t talked to anyone in a while. Besides work stuff. I tried to explain my problem to him. He didn’t really understand, but I think he tried to. So I guess that’s ok. Honestly when he was giving me advice I was sort of tuning him out. He does tend to go on and on and on about the thing I wasn’t even talking about. He talked about the plan for when he comes up here to help me move and after I told him it wouldn’t be much of an issue, he wondered if he even needed to come at all. I want to see some family. I do. But if they don’t give a shit about coming here, why should they. I told him I could do it myself and he said he already bought the ticket so there’s that. My mom and brother couldn’t be bothered to come. It comes down to money like it always does. I wanted to see my mom for her birthday. I doesn’t matter. Whenever I get like this my parents immediate assumption is that I’m off my meds. As if I am incapable of feeling anything negative when I’m on them. I hate when they bring it up. I hate it so god damn much.
I’m not sure what I’m working towards. I don’t really find any joy in the career I’ve chosen. I believe there are wonderful things being done in the field, but I’m too stupid to contribute anything meaningful. The company that is sponsoring is learning more and more that I was a bad choice. My dad says that’s not a bad thing that it doesn’t work out, but I’m not sure he meant it the way it came out. I think the thing that frustrates me the most about all this is that you can pin this all on one person. Before all this some guy sitting at a desk a zillion miles away from Texas saw some numbers on a computer screen and said “This guy”. So they come up to me and offer me a deal that just can’t work out. I know I share the same amount of blame for accepting it, but I already hate myself enough so I choose to blame the other guy. The thing is, if I knew then what I know now, would I have made a different choice? I don’t think so. Because as much as I hate it, as much as I keep falling on my face over and over and over again, I still can’t help myself but try. Even when I know it won’t work. I don’t know what compels me to, but I do. Or at least half assed-ly.
Out side of my “career” what else do I have? What else am I working towards? My family? Aging parents who can’t even bother to even seem like they want to come visit? A brother who’s practically a stranger? Extended family who are even more so a strangers? Not a single god damn person to share a fucking meal with at the end of the day? What does it matter any way? I like being alone. But I don’t like the way it makes me feel. So what am I working towards? What at the end of the day can I say “Hey I’m glad I got to see this right here” and point to something tangible. What difference would it make if I blew my brains out right here versus dying decrepit and old? In either instance I have nothing.
1 comment
It’s less than spectacular, that’s work for you… I know you are very bright, and have high standards for yourself, I can relate, but there are many levels of not great before you hit failure….. IDK….. The way you talk about work makes me think you’ve slipped into black and white thinking. I’d look at that if I were you.
There must be a place in this world for people who are only okay at what you do. If it isn’t where you are at, maybe finding where it is is your purpose.
Your job is being of best use where you are. If you’re trying your best, that’s the best anyone can expect.