Week 2 is over. Week 3 starts tomorrow. The second week was a tad bit rough. Kept making dumb mistakes and tripping over myself in front of my mentors and other engineers. Still trying to chip away at it. Still not entirely sure how this is going to end. Any of it. Been going to lab on Saturdays to try to chip away at the other stuff. Making a tiny bit of progress, but I want to be in there more to work on it. I can’t with my current commute. Get up at 5 and get back at 8. Brutal. My folks are sending up one of their cars so that I can use that instead. I did a test run with a rental on Thursday and Friday. It was great. It’s so nice to be able to grocery shop and not have to wait for the bus or walk home. But the van isn’t getting here until next week so I have to suffer the commuter rail again. Hopefully when I get a car I can start spending time in the lab after work at least 2 or 3 hours maybe twice or three times a week. Maybe. I still can’t see any of this ending well. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always.
My grandmother died Friday. I guess it’s kind of fucked up that I didn’t make a post about it the same way I made one about my grandpa. I wasn’t very close to either of them, but I have a bit more happier memories with him than I did her. There were definitely happy memories, but a lot of them also involve how poorly she treated my mom. I know my mother has mixed feelings about this, but I imagine some of it involves relief considering what she was put through because of her. The thing is I know why she was the way she was. Life was incredibly cruel to her. The things she went though when she went through them would have broken anyone. She had no chance at a healthy and normal life. And that ended up screwing up her kids too. Each of them has their own unique broken tick to them. Thankfully that trauma didn’t reach my generation. Overall my cousins, brother, and I aren’t too messed up. My mother is under the impression that she screwed me up even though I insist she didn’t. Overall she did a good job. If she screwed up anywhere, it was probably spoiling me too much. You never realize it until you have hindsight, but the way you were as a kid and your problems seem so dumb now. Either way I do hope that my Grandmother found rest. She was devoutly religious, to a concerning degree, but you would probably cling to it too if you went through what she did. Hopefully she is with the God she believed in, wherever that may be.